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The dial that controls my creative output has not been cranked to the max lately and Iāve been getting upset at myself for it. Its felt like Iāve been wasting my free time by doing things that I like instead of things that are productive, and in turn enjoying those things less because Iām thinking about how I should be bettering myself or my world in some way.
I know there will be a time when the juices flow again because they have once before, and while I am in this dry spell Iām trying not to crucify myself too rigorously for not doing much writing and instead trying to make it to the end of the day without telling myself that I need to kill myself too many times to be deemed socially or even asocially acceptable.
Maybe a less prideful individual would just call it being depressed, but I must convolute around taking the easy way out and chalking it up to some misfiring neurons to instead convince myself that I am a cog in some unknowable cosmic engine and I simply must wait for some 7th dimensional machine elf to power me back on before Feeling Like Myself Again
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@VALOORIE Thank you for the reassurance I totally felt like I couldāve worded it better when posting it
1d ago
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Because I am the one fooling myself. I have a terrible depressive episode every once in a while where I get all s*icidal and shit, but all it takes for me to get back to normal is making art. I end up wasting so much time doing absolutely nothing when all I need is a cup of coffee and a hyperfixation.
Talk about being dramatic LMAO
Apr 9, 2025
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These past few weeks my mind has felt so all over the place, up and down constantly where I struggle to understand if Iāve made any progress. Consumed by a constant need to keep my mind occupied coupled with a deep sense of loneliness when people donāt respond, I end up scrolling through social media to take up my time only to question if what I feel is justified or real. I try to ask for help but wonder if I should be putting my friends through my constant episodes of anxiety and depression. Iām trying to keep my mind occupied in more conservative ways, maybe this app will help.
So how come I can perfectly understand what and why yet I struggle to grasp and control it.
Dec 28, 2024
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Coming to terms with something I call āproductivity addiction,ā I donāt think there are any parts of my life that arenāt oriented toward some form of emotional/physical/creative betterment. Even my hobbies and interests are becoming increasingly rooted in ideas of āsuccessā and āgrowth.ā
Itās catching up to me. I need Real Leisure and I need it now. I want to have fun again. Time to undo some knots.
Apr 20, 2025
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Who cares donāt be so serious youāre allowed to horse around a little
Mar 16, 2025
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in tight contention for my #1 favorite physical activity, especially when your willing participant has a good ratio of scalp scratching and head squeezing to hair twirling. Can even outrank sex on a good day.
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