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gonna be extra real on here ! i have severe, debilitating emetophobia. like the kind that renders you agoraphobic. I've been an emetophobe since i was little but it's never been this bad before. i have panic attacks daily, I'm constantly exhausted and eating, sleeping, and going outside is becoming harder and harder as the days pass me by. do not be alarmed though, I'm in therapy and I'm on luvox although i wouldn't say the latter is working much.
i went to knotts berry farm yesterday ! it was supposed to be a milestone in exposure, a really good one since lots of people filter in and out of the park every day. i ended up going on two rides, eating one churro, washing my hands thrice and kind of just calling it a day. plus it was super cold so it was just all just kind of a bummer. i decided to end the day on a good note and snag some peanuts merch (as u can see from my pfp, i am a HUGE woodstock fan), so i bought a Woodstock figurine and small plushie. best part of my day honestly, I'm glad i did that for myself.
it is now the morning after and I'm sitting here just really nervous and panicky because I can't stop thinking about the possible illnesses i could have picked up at the park. i know I'll be ok no matter what ends up happening, and i have plans with my friend in about an hour so i'm still challenging myself and my instincts to hide. i just wanted to put it out into the world. emetophobia is shackling and limiting for a lot of people, and i also want people to know that they CAN do difficult things in the midst of it. my phobia and ocd has held me back in many situations but i don't want it to keep me from doing what i love. even though that knotts trip kind of sucked, the world didn't end and a day later i'm sitting here next to my super cute woodstock plushie. also that churro i got at the park was the best churro I've ever had !!! if u ever go to knotts u NEED to get a fresh churro they're so freaking good. you can do hard things. even if it sucks, that one experience doesn't have to control you. these are basically self-affirmations lmao. gonna go get brunch now with my friend bye bye !
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This morning I started to recognise the familiar symptoms of an anxiety attack, that usually leads me to be completely unable to function.
I have my resources and I can handle them (anxiety/panic attacks), even if they cause me an immense amount of pain, both physically and emotionally.
But thereās one thing I was never ever able to do, that people often told me would help: put on comfortable clothes and take a walk, go outside and breathe, get the fuck out of your room. I thought I would never been able to do that, never. āI am not strong enough, it may be good for others, but me? Iām weak, I cannot function, something bad might happen, my body is not my ally in these casesā. I guess I was wrong, and Iām so happy to admit I was wrong.
I said to myself, when those symptoms arised this morning: āok, breathe, itās just the same familiar stuff you know very well. Now, you can deal with it, even if youāre scared. But this time, why donāt you try something different? For just one time, allow yourself to react by moving your body, try to show your mind that there are other ways to deal with thisā. I was scared as fuck, but I did it.
And I discovered another part of myself that I thought wasnāt there. My body, this time, wasnāt against meā¦and maybe it never was, the poor thing was just trying to adapt to the comfort zone that stillness represented.
I am incredibly strong, so much more than what I thought. And if someone needs to hear this: YOU ARE TOO.
Jan 25, 2025
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Youāve been wanting to hang out with people more. You did the brave thing of asking people to hang out. Now the fear that has kept you from doing this is being super loud. To be expected! Buying into the fear is not going to get you what you want. Each time you act bravely, that part of you grows. What does this anxiety look like? Does the fear look differently? What would happen if you could comfort it?
Do some classic CBT- instead of all the horrible what ifs, what if it goes amazingly well? What if you make a new connection that feeds your soul?
Think of some mantras for yourself. Repeat them over and over. Each time you start to feel anxious, take a nice deep breath (exhale longer than inhale) and remind yourself.
Everything you want is on the other side of fear. And I believe you are brave enough to do it!!
Apr 22, 2025
š
today i worked up the courage to do something iāve had hundreds of panic attacks over, and that iāve been avoiding for SEVEN years. and to my surprise it was likeā¦. nbd??? like so much so that i was shocked into dissociating lol but a win is a win
i am very proud of myself. huge day for milk nation āļø
Dec 20, 2024
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šµ
avid peppermint tea fan. i operate on a nervous stomach and overactive nervous system - peppermint tea is my saving grace basically. however trader joes put out "candy cane" peppermint tea bags that are seasonal only so i can't find them anymore :( other brands just sort of taste medicinal. not that that's a problem for me since i don't drink it so much for flavor but i actually liked the taste of their packets. i used my last one today. rip. good drink tho
UPDATE I HAVE ANOTHER PACK !! WOO HOO
Mar 10, 2025
š
i'm in community college rn, i had a rough time in high school so i figured id do two catchup/gen ed years before finishing up my degree at a 4 year. we all know its college app season/college result season and oh my god guys i keep seeing these high schoolers shooting for 8% acceptance rate universities and not settling for anything less. like i get it, i do. but am i the only one whos seeing an uptick of kids just applying places just to say they got in ? i feel like i ask a lot of these people about what they want to do/what they're passionate about and why they're majoring in what they're majoring in and they just give me a blank stare. can we PLEASE normalize saving money and taking your time ? you have the rest of your life to work and be miserable paying taxes and pulling your weight at a 9-5. there's literally no shame in community, and I'm so sick and tired of people thinking there is. if you don't know what you want to do, you're allowed to take the time to get there. it's honestly worse to settle on a mediocre major that you don't particularly like just to get your degree faster and say you graduated on time. high school really doesn't give you the time to decide these things so once you reach adulthood it's your responsibility to allocate your time towards it. i really want to see more kids soul searching in a meaningful and responsible way. and if you know what you wanna do and you got into your 8% acceptance rate dream school, more power to you. I'm just saying that seeing a case like that is rare these days and people deserve the time to think and absorb their new responsibilities.
Mar 19, 2025
š
got my upper lobes pierced today - so far it's a total of 6 piercings. on the left ear i have two lobe piercings and a double helix, and on the right is just the two lobes. i plan to get another double helix on the right side to match the left when the first set heals. that'll be 8 total - then I'm thinking either my conch, a third helix, or a third upper lobe. not 100% sure which one it'll be, i guess ill have to see but I'm kind of leaning towards the upper lobe or conch because it just looks nicer. people fed helix propaganda to me before i got my double done, but tbh the healing process so far has been smooth, pain-free and forgettable (got them done 2 months ago). however my piercer today decided to check on my double helix and clean it which meant he had to take the jewelry out. let me tell u that was some of the worst pain I've ever experienced in a piercing shop. i forget that a piercing is literally just an open wound until it fully heals but that shit hurt like aĀ dirty bitch. but now it's ok just a bit sore even tho it was stinging for about 30 minutes after he put the jewelry back in. apparently this is normal and fine and I'll still go back in a month from now to get it downsized which i predict will probably hurt like a bitch again. but for now I'm chilling. i do have beef with my lobes tho. not the upper lobes i just got, the og lobes. i got my lobes pierced when i was around 9 years old so it's been quite a while. obv as a nine year old girl i got my ears pierced at claire's because nobody back then knew piercing guns basically inflict blunt force trauma on people's earlobes. mine got infected pretty bad once but have been completely fine since. except when i got my double helix done two months ago i expanded my jewelry horizons and decided to look into getting clicker hoops for my lobes because it would look cute. i went and bought high-quality titanium clickers from a piercing shop and shoved them in my ear - they hated it. for a week they were inflamed, oozing, and so freaking itchy. after a few more days my right side got used to it and i took them out. my left side developed an irritation bump (first ever time this has happened to me !!) and i couldn't put any jewelry back in it for about two weeks. it took a while of inserting for a week, taking out for another week, etc etc so they could get used to it but rn I'm wearing a full set of jewelry so i guess its ok. but my left lobe is royally fucked up. like claires genuinely did something very wrong, any jewelry i use regardless of if its a hoop, a ring, or a stud cannot find the end of the piercing hole for whatever reason. might consider getting it repierced. but for now I'm gonna wait till my double helix and upper lobes heal cause it looks meta as hell. cant wait to have that pierced up baddie reputation.
Mar 24, 2025