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getting comfy w indetermination

working from what may seem like very surface level cliches but stay w me here ((tldr: why not just believe that its all working out for the better, even if thats not what you planned? also, empathy and objectivity are a solid duo that id like to see in combination more frequently.)) putting this at the top because this is a dissertation, at best; psychosis, at the other end of the pendulum. sooooooo the fact that u have no control over life liek At All. has been a consistently terrifying concept for FOREVER as a shorty who is Clinically a control freak, but realizing that the unpredictable essence that makes all of this shit unnerving is the very thing that can take the weight of life off of your shoulders has been pretty revolutionary. im still digesting/integrating it one bite at a time, for sure, so call me a hypocrite ESPECIALLY if you know me personally. when in clarity, though, its been so pleasant to realize that since Nothing truly matters that much since nothing is set in stone anyway- w regard to action, approach, fulfilling temporary expectations of yourself, whether or not you reach short term goals, etc.- living life completely and utterly for yourself and whatever that means to you at any given moment will likely ultimately be the plan that brings you most fulfillment, when all is said and done. whether that means taking the risk and changing your major, taking that freaky elective bc it sounds cool, moving in w some randos in a townhouse, quitting your job and starting something new- maybe it winds up being an epic fail, who knows? as long as youre setting goals that align with an ultimate sense of who you are and what youre looking to get out of life, which i presume can be solidified further by pursuing said experiences just for the sake of it? right? helps u figure out what u actually want? and as long as you keep bareback essential priorities straight (financial and emotional stability come to mind), then theres no reason for impermanence to work against you. this also counts for people, as well. i feel like we hold others to critical standards, as we should, but contemporarily tend to neglect the fact that people DO change. morals/how you view the world are impacted by experience, and we are all fruits of very very different trees. completely dependent on circumstance, of course, empathy/understanding/consequential second chances are side-swept under the premise of respect/accountability. accountability is CRUCIAL, but i feel like so many of us (myself included) take that to heart and forget that figuring out how someone got to some place is a key aspect of understanding whether or not their position was truly from a place of lack of respect? if that makes any sense?? i also have been thinking about this a lot: my best friend throughout middle school and i fell out the summer before sophomore year over…nothing? idk, 3 years of seeing each other every single day (neighbors) to no contact until senior of high school- still weren’t talking regularly or anything though. 2 years ago, she turned 20. i posted an old photo of us because, despite everything, 20’s a big one. this year, we’ve spent late nights on facetime, drove to watch the sunrise after hours of catching up on god knows what on the hill where we would listen to music while her mom cooked dinner, and she’s been my go to for any necessary bitching/ranting during whats been the worst year my mental health has ever seen?? time is your friend, if you let it be. connections arent a race in any dynamic, and it’s never over if it’s truly meant to happen. let life change. i think.

@slut

Dec 5, 2024

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I thought this worry made me a better person

28 March 2024 “I never used to be this insecure It’s strange  I don’t recognise my new self I thought this worry made me a better person” -me “I thought all this worry made me a better person.” Trapped in the illusion that if I thought about everything enough I could win at life, I would be the kindest, most successful, mature and ration person I could be. for me being irrational was worse than death. it’s ironic isn’t it? A teenage girl ridden in shame, misplaced desire and overwhelming hate for myself, my past and all actions I had partaken in. The type of shame that feels like a splitting headache that’s been around for years. The type of shame that makes you throw up on nature walks because the silence of the trees becomes a theatre projecting all the terrible things you have done and said. Shame was my water, shame was the ground beneath my feet, shame was the sun wrapping around me and leaving my body tingling on a hot day. Shame was inescapable and replaced all my pleasures with pain. With many anxieties and obsessions i have had previously there was irrational elements to them, my great fears were bazaar and shockingly niche. This new obsession was a wolf wrapped up in a warm fuzzy logical cloak That loved to remind me of all the horrific parts of myself. But how could it stop following me this haunting picture of myself and the people I had hurt, how could I fix any of it. how could I even face it. With this dilema of having a guilty conscious finally explode on me like a shaken bottle of Pepsi waiting for its escape. I choose there is nothing but to fix it. fix it all. But how? i Decide I must think about it. all the time. This would form a punishment to myself that meant i was doing a service to those I’d hurt. Secondly whenever I have a good time or a moment of joy, I would remind myself that this was unfair and I must return to my shame because I was still in guilt jail and owed it to those I had hurt. thirdly I would from now on do everything perfectly and not hurt a single soul ever again, they could hurt me all they wanted. but I could not hurt them. I couldn’t possibly bare adding any extra shame on to the debt I was in to the gods or karma or just myself. This ofc was all stupid Very stupid After turmoil and finding myself completely unable to form proper connections because of my obsession with being perfect all the time for absolutely everyone ever I was broken. More broken than before. how have I done it wrong again. This punishment hasn’t changed anything! Not the people I hurt! Not myself! And I’m hurting more people. I wanted to die. this part funny or not. Dramatic or not. It was true. I didn’t want to be alive. I didn’t want to think. all I wanted was to do it all again. Be a better me a kinder me one who didn’t yell at her mother, go To school drunk, sleep with the wrong people, be a terrible friend to someone to trusted me dearly, talk shit and gossip about people I love. I wish I haven’t done any of it. I wish I had never had sex. I wish I didnt know what sex was. I wish I never drank. I wish I never let anyone kiss me. I wish I never was a teenager. I wish I didn’t need to learn how to be good. I wish I wish I wish I just knew. Just knew how to be good. Like those people who come out the womb shining and loving with fountains of patience and love. It wasn’t me. I came out kicking and screaming and selfish and I stayed that way for years. but I couldnt change this I couldnt wish it all away or run away or kill myself. So I had to accept I had to apologise And I had to love And stop fucking thinking for one second. I’m ending this terribly for the sole Reason my figures hurt but long story short I confronted my shame with love and compassion. And I’m aloud to fuck up we all are and I no longer want to die. This isn’t simple and I’m making it sound I have to practice everyday for this. But I’m happy and I love my life and myself and I’m so proud of me. And I did this in less than a year. SO FUCK OCD and yay me

@notalex

Dec 30, 2024

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In my own skin

I don't really know how to start this post, so I'll let out the word vomit. As days pass, I sometimes find myself more confident, appreciating my physical appearance and grateful for what I can handle mentally and emotionally. Some days I acknowledge I'm smart, pretty, funny. Yet other times I can't see any of that. A lot of times I don't really see myself as pretty, incapable of remembering a simple equation, I feel as if I'm a wet towel thrown on my friend's and loved ones. Maybe I compare myself to others often and that's my issue, that I see myself as lowly yet other times I put my self worth as high. I'm a very back and forth kind of girl if you didn't know already. I do have my moments however when I give in and embrace what I am, a girl who spends more time doing my makeup than studying, and what I enjoy like playing Hello Kitty games when I finish schoolwork or watch reality television, maybe spiral into a rabbit hole of lore after learning about a new game. But I can't deny the weirdness I feel when nobody understands what I'm talking about. They say 'to be cringe is to be free' but God does it make you writhe with displeasure when you're the cringey one. I'm coming to accept and realize that I can be harsh and cruel to myself, especially when it comes to my abilities to perform hobbies I'm passionate about. I've stopped drawing for a month because of these impending thoughts. It's like wearing a suit of flesh in hopes of getting some idea of what you are for some sense of clarity. Maybe it's because I am just a girl, or it's the human experience nobody talks about. If we did, maybe we wouldn't feel as alone or awkward but oh well, what can you do? Slowly but surely I have come to accept and embrace myself despite the faults I carry.

@emmita

Feb 19, 2025

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Top Recs from @ammonite

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Born to be a lovergırl, forced to be nonchalant

I can never hold a grudge or hurt people on purpose. I just don't have that bone in me. I don't get into romantic relationships not because I dont want to, on the contrary sharing the experience of love and being a human sounds wonderful. I pour my heart and soul into my friends which results in me not being friends with just whomever enters my life. I love getting to know people and the little details. Sometimes people mistake this for being naive. No, I just care about the people I love and cherish moments. I'm ride or die type of person. Recently I find myself being like FINE I'LL BE NONCHALANT AND PLAY THE SHALLOW SOCIAL GAME DYNAMICS. fuck it's hard though.

@ammonite

Jan 22, 2025

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Ceramic heals but Its a luxury

I teach pottery and tbh it doesn't pay well. I've noticed that upper middle class people come alot. I wish it were more accessible because it really helps you get out of your head.

@ammonite

Jan 22, 2025

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Me and my sıster İn a locket necklace

Why dont we put pictures in locket necklaces anymore? People have literally kept strands of hair or blood and anything that reminds them of a loved one around their necks in history. It needs to be a thing again.

@ammonite

Jan 22, 2025