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In my own skin

I don't really know how to start this post, so I'll let out the word vomit. As days pass, I sometimes find myself more confident, appreciating my physical appearance and grateful for what I can handle mentally and emotionally. Some days I acknowledge I'm smart, pretty, funny. Yet other times I can't see any of that. A lot of times I don't really see myself as pretty, incapable of remembering a simple equation, I feel as if I'm a wet towel thrown on my friend's and loved ones. Maybe I compare myself to others often and that's my issue, that I see myself as lowly yet other times I put my self worth as high. I'm a very back and forth kind of girl if you didn't know already. I do have my moments however when I give in and embrace what I am, a girl who spends more time doing my makeup than studying, and what I enjoy like playing Hello Kitty games when I finish schoolwork or watch reality television, maybe spiral into a rabbit hole of lore after learning about a new game. But I can't deny the weirdness I feel when nobody understands what I'm talking about. They say 'to be cringe is to be free' but God does it make you writhe with displeasure when you're the cringey one. I'm coming to accept and realize that I can be harsh and cruel to myself, especially when it comes to my abilities to perform hobbies I'm passionate about. I've stopped drawing for a month because of these impending thoughts. It's like wearing a suit of flesh in hopes of getting some idea of what you are for some sense of clarity. Maybe it's because I am just a girl, or it's the human experience nobody talks about. If we did, maybe we wouldn't feel as alone or awkward but oh well, what can you do? Slowly but surely I have come to accept and embrace myself despite the faults I carry.

@emmita

Feb 19, 2025

1

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I MADE A CUPBOARD 2

That's what I wrote two weeks into the cupboard after a healthy dosage of crying. Picture shows the state of the cupboard at that point. My home was fucked. While cutting wood, I once again caught myself seething at my father. He stuffed my head with a million useless bits of nonsense but never found the time for actual knowledge or skills. So I stepped into the big world armed with the wisdom that "all Germans are fascists," "you shouldn’t stand out," and "razor blades can be changed once a year, don’t fall for corporate tricks." Meanwhile, I had no idea how to properly hammer a nail. Waltzing on the edge of slicing my fingers off, I cursed him to high heaven. Every skill had to be begged from YouTube or acquired through cuts. And that’s on top of digging out a hundred idiotic clichés and racist banalities from my head. Thanks for nothing, you piece of shit. But then, somehow, I felt lighter. Fuck that asshole and his colleagues in the grand guild of assholery. I’m at the age where I definitely don’t need to become the "best version of myself" anymore—enough of that, please. I just need to be a decent version of my own responsible adult. The kind who explains, teaches, entertains, and helps. The kind who doesn’t try to destroy or sadden you. And in this concept, where you’re your own Parent 1/2/15 Pro Max, it becomes easier to look at both age and baggage. You’re standing exactly where they failed with you. Don’t fail yourself. Help, make yourself laugh, and don’t let yourself slice your fingers off.

@betelgeuse1922

Feb 3, 2025

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Starting over

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.” — Anaïs Nin This is uncharacteristically raw and personal, even for me, and pretty heavy! I know many of you have seen me posting through it and I feel safe to talk about it openly now that I’ve safely landed at the start of my new life. It’s honestly even a little bit embarrassing but I think it’s important to share. I’ve never publicly mentioned it on here, but I have a husband; as of Friday, we’d have been together for 11 years, and we’ve been married for 3 years as of 2/22. I realize now that I wanted to explore what I looked like outside of my relationship with him because I had lost that. This is why PI.FYI has been so meaningful to me as a space to express myself and connect with people—to rediscover my voice. I had been living a lie this entire time, to others but worst of all to myself. He’s been verbally and emotionally abusive, physically but without touching me, to the point that every day I spent with him I was in danger. I’ve been shrinking myself and walking on eggshells to avoid making him insecure and provoking his casual put-downs and fits of rage, while hanging on for dear life to the threads of good I could see. I’ve wanted so badly to leave, more than anything, but I felt like there was no way out and that this was just something I would need to endure indefinitely—but someone who is so very dear to me helped me see that I have wings to fly, not by acting as my savior but by reminding me of my own power. The emotional safety they built and the gentle care they showed me made me feel like I could open up to them. With their encouragement I was brave enough to tell the truth to my friends, my family, my boss, and they have received me with warm, loving and open arms and rallied to support and protect me. The financial and  logistical aspects were the most intimidating to me and it’s going to be tough for a while but I’m going to be better than okay! Now I’m opening up to you. This isn’t the only abuse I’ve suffered in my life, and my old therapist told me she believed it was my mission to share my strength and light with others to inspire them and show them that change is possible. I hope that by sharing this, I can reach even just one person who is going through something similar and show that they are not alone, and they are not weak. People with certain backgrounds may be more vulnerable to abuse, but it can happen to anyone. It thrives in darkness, shame, and isolation—and breaking that silence is the first step toward freedom. Leaving is the scariest thing I have ever done but I have so many angels around me, and I am endlessly grateful. Thank you for being here with me 💌

@taterhole

Mar 16, 2025

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Top Recs from @notalex

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Accepting a quiet life

It is summer time and everyone is out dancing and drinking, meeting new lovers or growing with old lovers. I am left watching as I work for money and for a better version of myself. My winter was wild and shocking with polycules and new friends, flirting and drinking everyday barely had a second to look after myself let alone my dog(Ted). the strangest thing is how I’m very happy not doing much, I love my own company and I’m getting a complete 8 hours of sleep with no lovers to keep me awake at night or disrupt my eating schedule from nausea. I feel wrong for this though like I should be making every memory possible, Jam Pack as many emotions and experiences as I can whilst young and it’s summer. but I’m so happy, I need to stop being mean to myself, for changing my mind on what I truly want.

@notalex

Dec 13, 2024

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Fionna apple

I know by Fiona Apple has been replayed many times this week as I actually begin to process a break up from months ago. His ex texted me too so all the emotions are going crazy

@notalex

Jan 24, 2025

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paint what you want

I have many complex feelings around painting people, relationships, friends, situationships ect. I’m recently working on a piece related to a recent break up and feel strange about showing it because I don’t want him to think I’m obsessed or dwelling or creepy but fuck it! I don’t care let me process and express and if you think painting someone’s face without their permission is immoral! Well cheating on someone is also quite immoral. Anyway here’s my new piece I have started (not finished) “Beautiful losers” You love only when it’s a reflection of yourself.making me a mirror you can romanticise. he couldn’t tell me anything about me, just how I made HIM feel.

@notalex

Jan 24, 2025

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