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Life continues to pile and pile on top of me, and I can't take it anymore. I always find myself getting hung up on small things. For example, I was at a party with some friends, and I got lost in my own world worrying about having another panic attack.
Moments like these make me feel like I'm stunting my personal growth. They make me feel miserable, and prevent me from enjoying myself.
Even on difficult days, there were moments that broke these patterns. Like writing this entry, instead of spiraling and falling into a state of anxiety.
I can't get out, and maybe that's okay for today.
20h ago
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🔎I've come to accept the fact that we are all living in our own sisyphus world. The concept of time which I cant seem to grasp surrounds me with it's intoxicating pink haze, I wake up and I'm 25 BARELY SURVIVING. But I have experienced depression and trauma and I am sooo tired of revisiting that blackhole. I HAVE TO SHOW UP FOR MYSELF. Executive dysfunction fucks me over while partnering with narcolepsy. But I refuse to succumb to the bittersweet melancholy. I'm holding myself accountable. No excuses. Parents aren't in my life and I'm dirt poor. But I believe in myself. That hope and effort gives me life. I fucking love life and I'm done hiding from it (also done with being a crybaby).
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🏔I'm trying to create. I'm trying to write. I'm trying to read. I'm trying to cook. I'm trying to garden. I'm trying to continue doing all the things I love as fear barrels towards me. All that I love keeps me a bit more collected and reminds me that I'm more than these anxieties that are getting closer and closer to realities.
May 7, 2025
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⭐i don't write often but the second half surprised me, i like it a lot. maybe i'll keep working on it
i’m not interested in a career never have been i don’t want to devote my time i wanna have it
things spin around me they evolve and they live so much going on at the edges but i’m stuck on the axis i cry and whine about it but what am i actually doing surely i just have to.. start if only i could lift my limbs why is it so goddamn hard i just need another excuse why can’t my brain process failure i just need to be good and i’ll do it yeah i’m a creative person i have a guitar and some watercolors and 5 unfinished sketchbooks tucked away in a closet maybe i just have to branch out don’t have to be in it, i can be around it don’t ask me to talk to new people though don’t ask me to follow up tick tock time’s a ticking you already lost 3 years, why are you waiting it’s already too late, sit tight maybe in another life
i’m not interested in a career never have been i don’t want to devote my time i wanna have it
things spin around me they evolve and they live so much going on at the edges but i’m stuck on the axis i cry and whine about it but what am i actually doing surely i just have to.. start if only i could lift my limbs why is it so goddamn hard i just need another excuse why can’t my brain process failure i just need to be good and i’ll do it yeah i’m a creative person i have a guitar and some watercolors and 5 unfinished sketchbooks tucked away in a closet maybe i just have to branch out don’t have to be in it, i can be around it don’t ask me to talk to new people though don’t ask me to follow up tick tock time’s a ticking you already lost 3 years, why are you waiting it’s already too late, sit tight maybe in another life
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