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Coworkers are trying to assemble the chaotic/lawful/evil/neutral/good grid with each of us and itās proving difficult because behind bar shaking from the caffeine of an 8-shot dial-in everyoneās a little evil, especially in the no-manās land between the millennial pause and gen-z stare, and the yet-to-be-labeled of when someone who clearly spends a lot of time online in their own echo chamber assumes youāre one of them and attempts to interpellate you through a barrage of their own semiotics and youāre fraught between the misperception of your carefully selected graphic tee and customer service smile riding the wave of wanting a tip and facing a persona you actively avoid online. I assumed this grid would be somewhat true to our nature, having dropped the visage at work a bit since starting an ssri and becoming platonically intimate with another coworker through shared music taste (immediately opening a window to the soul), but my young coworker wanted to only base it on how we are at work. I said I donāt hold what I do behind bar against myself, he said the mistakes I make are inherently part of my personality, and Iām no better than the version of me at work because that necessarily is me, and a flattening reverberated through my entire body, like the shock of a gun shot before the pain sets in. I have big aspirations and canāt dwell on mistakes if I want to continue to believe in myself, which I have to do if I ever want to make anything! And Iām definitely not dwelling too much on what I do while over-caffeinated, undernourished, and bombarded with 8 kinds of sounds in the liminal 4-dimensional space of a coffee shop on a Saturday or during a random July hailstorm. Itās an absurd, cruel, jam-packed world. Itās ridiculous to strive and pretend you donāt think you can make it. It isnāt embarrassing to take your art seriously, even when the best of it is still stuck in your head for the time being. To quote Alex G āif you donāt believe in magic then you shouldnāt even tryā. Obviously consider your mistakes and learn from them, but donāt hold them against yourself. These all may seem unrelated but the miscommunication between my coworker and I (him not realizing I associate myself at work as my basest, most animal self) left me utterly speechless, mouth agape, clutching the counter for stability for whatever reason. Low key it feels sooooo good to believe in yourself.
Jul 17, 2025
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šŖmy coworker has been trying to get me to quit my job and move. he travels a lot and is only passing through til he can get enough money to go to whateverās next. heās really upfront about why he does what he does but heās also very genuine in connecting with the people around him. heās really into seeing the world in all different perspectives and nothingās that serious to him besides his music. he just takes opportunities when theyre given to him.
we work a lot of late nights and both of us seem to be prone to conversations about The World and Humanity and all that. but where heās been going with this is very boldly telling me im wasting my time and need to find some direction. every shift i work with him heās telling me to just do it. move and work it out later. figure out some direction.
if im being honest (which i do recommend) iām petrified. and i havenāt even begun to work out why that is, when i know iām not living up to my potential. i have to stop trying to plan out these life changes iām trying to make, big and small, and just start fucking doing it. if it works it works, if it doesnāt then iāll figure it out.
i kinda burnt out around 20. i dropped out of college and worked a couple jobs i hated and thatās about it. i dated my high school sweetheart until 4 days before my 25th birthday last november. ive been trying to find my footing as not only an adult but an individual with an identity outside of the person they were in a relationship with, or the job they have. and again, if iām being honest, iām petrified to face all the time ive wasted doing absolutely nothing with my life.
i donāt want the tone of this to feel abysmal; i love my life and the people in it. iām beyond fortunate for the experiences ive had and the love i have. iām just so ready for change and this coworker has me thinking i should just go for it. yeah, i need to save up a little money. but i can buckle down and having the goal of moving to another state is a good reason to stop wasting so much of it on pointless stuff.
anyway, itās 2:39am and i have to brush my teeth and go to bed. it was was a long night at work but tomorrow im gonna thank my coworker for the quarter life crisis he keeps explicitly encourages me to have. i wonāt tell him i cried a little after he told me itās sad i still work at this job, but i needed to hear that. someone needed to be honest with me
we work a lot of late nights and both of us seem to be prone to conversations about The World and Humanity and all that. but where heās been going with this is very boldly telling me im wasting my time and need to find some direction. every shift i work with him heās telling me to just do it. move and work it out later. figure out some direction.
if im being honest (which i do recommend) iām petrified. and i havenāt even begun to work out why that is, when i know iām not living up to my potential. i have to stop trying to plan out these life changes iām trying to make, big and small, and just start fucking doing it. if it works it works, if it doesnāt then iāll figure it out.
i kinda burnt out around 20. i dropped out of college and worked a couple jobs i hated and thatās about it. i dated my high school sweetheart until 4 days before my 25th birthday last november. ive been trying to find my footing as not only an adult but an individual with an identity outside of the person they were in a relationship with, or the job they have. and again, if iām being honest, iām petrified to face all the time ive wasted doing absolutely nothing with my life.
i donāt want the tone of this to feel abysmal; i love my life and the people in it. iām beyond fortunate for the experiences ive had and the love i have. iām just so ready for change and this coworker has me thinking i should just go for it. yeah, i need to save up a little money. but i can buckle down and having the goal of moving to another state is a good reason to stop wasting so much of it on pointless stuff.
anyway, itās 2:39am and i have to brush my teeth and go to bed. it was was a long night at work but tomorrow im gonna thank my coworker for the quarter life crisis he keeps explicitly encourages me to have. i wonāt tell him i cried a little after he told me itās sad i still work at this job, but i needed to hear that. someone needed to be honest with me
Rec
šworking from what may seem like very surface level cliches but stay w me here
((tldr: why not just believe that its all working out for the better, even if thats not what you planned? also, empathy and objectivity are a solid duo that id like to see in combination more frequently.))
putting this at the top because this is a dissertation, at best; psychosis, at the other end of the pendulum.
sooooooo the fact that u have no control over life liek At All. has been a consistently terrifying concept for FOREVER as a shorty who is Clinically a control freak, but realizing that the unpredictable essence that makes all of this shit unnerving is the very thing that can take the weight of life off of your shoulders has been pretty revolutionary.
im still digesting/integrating it one bite at a time, for sure, so call me a hypocrite ESPECIALLY if you know me personally. when in clarity, though, its been so pleasant to realize that since Nothing truly matters that much since nothing is set in stone anyway- w regard to action, approach, fulfilling temporary expectations of yourself, whether or not you reach short term goals, etc.- living life completely and utterly for yourself and whatever that means to you at any given moment will likely ultimately be the plan that brings you most fulfillment, when all is said and done.
whether that means taking the risk and changing your major, taking that freaky elective bc it sounds cool, moving in w some randos in a townhouse, quitting your job and starting something new- maybe it winds up being an epic fail, who knows? as long as youre setting goals that align with an ultimate sense of who you are and what youre looking to get out of life, which i presume can be solidified further by pursuing said experiences just for the sake of it? right? helps u figure out what u actually want? and as long as you keep bareback essential priorities straight (financial and emotional stability come to mind), then theres no reason for impermanence to work against you.
this also counts for people, as well. i feel like we hold others to critical standards, as we should, but contemporarily tend to neglect the fact that people DO change. morals/how you view the world are impacted by experience, and we are all fruits of very very different trees. completely dependent on circumstance, of course, empathy/understanding/consequential second chances are side-swept under the premise of respect/accountability. accountability is CRUCIAL, but i feel like so many of us (myself included) take that to heart and forget that figuring out how someone got to some place is a key aspect of understanding whether or not their position was truly from a place of lack of respect? if that makes any sense??
i also have been thinking about this a lot: my best friend throughout middle school and i fell out the summer before sophomore year overā¦nothing? idk, 3 years of seeing each other every single day (neighbors) to no contact until senior of high school- still werenāt talking regularly or anything though.
2 years ago, she turned 20. i posted an old photo of us because, despite everything, 20ās a big one. this year, weāve spent late nights on facetime, drove to watch the sunrise after hours of catching up on god knows what on the hill where we would listen to music while her mom cooked dinner, and sheās been my go to for any necessary bitching/ranting during whats been the worst year my mental health has ever seen?? time is your friend, if you let it be. connections arent a race in any dynamic, and itās never over if itās truly meant to happen.
let life change. i think.
((tldr: why not just believe that its all working out for the better, even if thats not what you planned? also, empathy and objectivity are a solid duo that id like to see in combination more frequently.))
putting this at the top because this is a dissertation, at best; psychosis, at the other end of the pendulum.
sooooooo the fact that u have no control over life liek At All. has been a consistently terrifying concept for FOREVER as a shorty who is Clinically a control freak, but realizing that the unpredictable essence that makes all of this shit unnerving is the very thing that can take the weight of life off of your shoulders has been pretty revolutionary.
im still digesting/integrating it one bite at a time, for sure, so call me a hypocrite ESPECIALLY if you know me personally. when in clarity, though, its been so pleasant to realize that since Nothing truly matters that much since nothing is set in stone anyway- w regard to action, approach, fulfilling temporary expectations of yourself, whether or not you reach short term goals, etc.- living life completely and utterly for yourself and whatever that means to you at any given moment will likely ultimately be the plan that brings you most fulfillment, when all is said and done.
whether that means taking the risk and changing your major, taking that freaky elective bc it sounds cool, moving in w some randos in a townhouse, quitting your job and starting something new- maybe it winds up being an epic fail, who knows? as long as youre setting goals that align with an ultimate sense of who you are and what youre looking to get out of life, which i presume can be solidified further by pursuing said experiences just for the sake of it? right? helps u figure out what u actually want? and as long as you keep bareback essential priorities straight (financial and emotional stability come to mind), then theres no reason for impermanence to work against you.
this also counts for people, as well. i feel like we hold others to critical standards, as we should, but contemporarily tend to neglect the fact that people DO change. morals/how you view the world are impacted by experience, and we are all fruits of very very different trees. completely dependent on circumstance, of course, empathy/understanding/consequential second chances are side-swept under the premise of respect/accountability. accountability is CRUCIAL, but i feel like so many of us (myself included) take that to heart and forget that figuring out how someone got to some place is a key aspect of understanding whether or not their position was truly from a place of lack of respect? if that makes any sense??
i also have been thinking about this a lot: my best friend throughout middle school and i fell out the summer before sophomore year overā¦nothing? idk, 3 years of seeing each other every single day (neighbors) to no contact until senior of high school- still werenāt talking regularly or anything though.
2 years ago, she turned 20. i posted an old photo of us because, despite everything, 20ās a big one. this year, weāve spent late nights on facetime, drove to watch the sunrise after hours of catching up on god knows what on the hill where we would listen to music while her mom cooked dinner, and sheās been my go to for any necessary bitching/ranting during whats been the worst year my mental health has ever seen?? time is your friend, if you let it be. connections arent a race in any dynamic, and itās never over if itās truly meant to happen.
let life change. i think.
Rec
š©Ahhh shit. Ahhhh shiiiiittt see the being naĆÆve was all good when it was just sort of general and I didnāt have anything specific in mind, just blind faith, posting my little mouse in the suit. All full of joy and shit. But you know what Iām posting my misery too in case anyone is praying on my downfall out there thatās how much I believe in karma and something larger than myself now, if Iām in the pits someone should get joy out of it. Ahhh shiiit whatever this cosmic power running things is, I hope she likes weird art bc thatās my offerings. What if sheās into basquiat rip offs and drama less photorealism and Iāve been shit talking that too. Or globalist blobby corporate design. Ahhh shit man who gets certified to teach English abroad off of 1 Reddit post of research I blew a bag and have been doing grammar for 3 months for nothing ahhh shit
Mar 12, 2025
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Believing the rest of your life can start today (but not succumbing to the weight of that, which Iāve yet to figure out how to do).
May 13, 2025
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š£Whatever man some more immediate version of me thought it was apt at the time. I love getting older cause past versions of me keep getting younger. I canāt hold it against them I was so young then! just a rapscallion
Jun 20, 2025
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š¤hell yeahh brotherrrr. You put a brick wall around your suburban dream of a fortress and still I greet it like a friend
1d ago