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my coworker has been trying to get me to quit my job and move. he travels a lot and is only passing through til he can get enough money to go to whatever’s next. he‘s really upfront about why he does what he does but he’s also very genuine in connecting with the people around him. he‘s really into seeing the world in all different perspectives and nothing’s that serious to him besides his music. he just takes opportunities when theyre given to him.
we work a lot of late nights and both of us seem to be prone to conversations about The World and Humanity and all that. but where he’s been going with this is very boldly telling me im wasting my time and need to find some direction. every shift i work with him he’s telling me to just do it. move and work it out later. figure out some direction.
if im being honest (which i do recommend) i’m petrified. and i haven’t even begun to work out why that is, when i know i’m not living up to my potential. i have to stop trying to plan out these life changes i’m trying to make, big and small, and just start fucking doing it. if it works it works, if it doesn’t then i’ll figure it out.
i kinda burnt out around 20. i dropped out of college and worked a couple jobs i hated and that’s about it. i dated my high school sweetheart until 4 days before my 25th birthday last november. ive been trying to find my footing as not only an adult but an individual with an identity outside of the person they were in a relationship with, or the job they have. and again, if i’m being honest, i’m petrified to face all the time ive wasted doing absolutely nothing with my life.
i don’t want the tone of this to feel abysmal; i love my life and the people in it. i’m beyond fortunate for the experiences ive had and the love i have. i’m just so ready for change and this coworker has me thinking i should just go for it. yeah, i need to save up a little money. but i can buckle down and having the goal of moving to another state is a good reason to stop wasting so much of it on pointless stuff.
anyway, it’s 2:39am and i have to brush my teeth and go to bed. it was was a long night at work but tomorrow im gonna thank my coworker for the quarter life crisis he keeps explicitly encourages me to have. i won’t tell him i cried a little after he told me it’s sad i still work at this job, but i needed to hear that. someone needed to be honest with me
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working from what may seem like very surface level cliches but stay w me here
((tldr: why not just believe that its all working out for the better, even if thats not what you planned? also, empathy and objectivity are a solid duo that id like to see in combination more frequently.))
putting this at the top because this is a dissertation, at best; psychosis, at the other end of the pendulum.
sooooooo the fact that u have no control over life liek At All. has been a consistently terrifying concept for FOREVER as a shorty who is Clinically a control freak, but realizing that the unpredictable essence that makes all of this shit unnerving is the very thing that can take the weight of life off of your shoulders has been pretty revolutionary.
im still digesting/integrating it one bite at a time, for sure, so call me a hypocrite ESPECIALLY if you know me personally. when in clarity, though, its been so pleasant to realize that since Nothing truly matters that much since nothing is set in stone anyway- w regard to action, approach, fulfilling temporary expectations of yourself, whether or not you reach short term goals, etc.- living life completely and utterly for yourself and whatever that means to you at any given moment will likely ultimately be the plan that brings you most fulfillment, when all is said and done.
whether that means taking the risk and changing your major, taking that freaky elective bc it sounds cool, moving in w some randos in a townhouse, quitting your job and starting something new- maybe it winds up being an epic fail, who knows? as long as youre setting goals that align with an ultimate sense of who you are and what youre looking to get out of life, which i presume can be solidified further by pursuing said experiences just for the sake of it? right? helps u figure out what u actually want? and as long as you keep bareback essential priorities straight (financial and emotional stability come to mind), then theres no reason for impermanence to work against you.
this also counts for people, as well. i feel like we hold others to critical standards, as we should, but contemporarily tend to neglect the fact that people DO change. morals/how you view the world are impacted by experience, and we are all fruits of very very different trees. completely dependent on circumstance, of course, empathy/understanding/consequential second chances are side-swept under the premise of respect/accountability. accountability is CRUCIAL, but i feel like so many of us (myself included) take that to heart and forget that figuring out how someone got to some place is a key aspect of understanding whether or not their position was truly from a place of lack of respect? if that makes any sense??
i also have been thinking about this a lot: my best friend throughout middle school and i fell out the summer before sophomore year over…nothing? idk, 3 years of seeing each other every single day (neighbors) to no contact until senior of high school- still weren’t talking regularly or anything though.
2 years ago, she turned 20. i posted an old photo of us because, despite everything, 20’s a big one.
this year, we’ve spent late nights on facetime, drove to watch the sunrise after hours of catching up on god knows what on the hill where we would listen to music while her mom cooked dinner, and she’s been my go to for any necessary bitching/ranting during whats been the worst year my mental health has ever seen??
time is your friend, if you let it be. connections arent a race in any dynamic, and it’s never over if it’s truly meant to happen.
let life change. i think.
Dec 5, 2024
i forgot my headphones at home. i was about to either
1) pump black country new road
2) watch brooklyn 99.
i miss being passionate about things, not being able to sleep, eat, speak,
or fathom anything beyond the apple
of my eye and the fruit of my thoughts.
i miss waking up with one thing in mind, how i would explore it that day, and how i would explore it the next
it’s been people
it’s been sewing
guitar
driving
religion
philosophy
photography
writing
filming
blogging
i think, regardless of any tik tok data explosion with the intention of ripping out each of my brain cells to keep me submissive and docile because of a wrecked attention span, i’m not a girl of her commitments- i get bored.
and i am bored. i feel this lack of passion so deeply in my body, its been a catalyst for the recent crashouts ive had ( and there’s been plenty) i don’t know how to stay, and work hard, and allow myself to grow to what i want to be right in this instance. not to shine my own shoes, but i’m not super used to being bad at things. i’ve always always always coasted, and now that im trying to be a gaf (give a fuck) filled girl, ive realized, sucking at something hurts a lot more when you’ve put in the work to be good at it.
if it wasn’t me writing this, and my best friend called me and told me this word for word, i would tell her how normal that feeling was, and that she herself knew what to do; commit. and that is my advice, dear sweet amalia, commit, commit, commit.
Feb 18, 2025
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I’m not going to call this gifted kid burnout which I think is often just a symptom of the popping of the bubble of people’s confused delusions of grandeur because they didn’t realize that gifted education programs are at best a way of giving specialized and individualized education, and at worst a way of achieving legal segregation in schools.
Not to brag, but my therapist who specialized in EMDR therapy for treating people with trauma told me that I had the most difficult childhood of anyone she had ever treated. It was also filled with beauty and I was encouraged in my many skills and pursuits early on, but the inner rot of compounded repeated traumas, keeping secrets, and hiding my suffering eventually took hold.
I was always a good student but as things at home intensified I cared less and less. A teacher noticed this and tried to take advantage of my vulnerable state. This made matters more complicated for me because still to this day he’s my favorite teacher that I ever had; he taught me much of what I know about writing and helped me to develop my skills.
After that, I spent my time in school just coasting along, putting in the minimal amount of effort to no fail. I had no goals or ambition. After graduation, I flitted from service job to service job. I started seeing my therapist and thinking about what I actually wanted to do.
I realized I had one exceptional skill which could be monetized to my advantage and I threw myself into it, grinding to make a living and improve my station in life. This worked and I live in decent material comfort, but I’ve realized the lifestyle I always thought I wanted isn’t what I want at all, so I’m reevaluating that and beginning to explore what that looks like.
There are several different exciting paths of progression my career could take, but I’m also finally working on creative projects for the first time in about a decade, so I’m going to see where life takes me. My best friend tells me I should become certified as a yoga teacher, and going back to school to study psychology and become a therapist would also be tight. I would love to seek a second career.
It took me a long time to get here but I’m trying to actualize and find purpose… Something something Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
May 26, 2024
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first project i’ve actually finished in YEARS!! it took me way too long (it was supposed to be a christmas present whoops) but here is the goddamn duck i told myself i would put on this jacket. it’s HERE and I put it there!!! with my own hands!!!
Feb 19, 2025
my chameleon died this morning and i buried him in my mom’s backyard. i had a lot of ladders in his cage, he seemed to really like to zip around on em. it was hard to see him lose mobility in his old age, but i like to remember him as a climber.
rest in peace mr. princess
Jan 12, 2025
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nuff said
5d ago