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long rant but ive recently been transitioning from feeling immense joy from those around me to overwhelming burdens crushing my spirit.
i mean, the guy i was talking to for a while ends things because hes "going through a lot," which can be reasonable (if we were 15), and my ex texts me the same day asking to rekindle things (hell no.)
of course i would feel overwhelmed, but now that im past those situations ive come to the realization that i should probably start focusing on myself.
ive been feeling happy for a while because i forced myself to be around those who make me happy, causing myself to feel discomfort in times of isolation.
i think its time to sit in the sun and embrace this weird transition in my life.
Jul 1, 2025
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In a world and in a political landscape where it is so easy to despair, looking into the eyes of another human being and really listening while they speak means so much. The more you seek connection with others, the more opportunities for joy and belonging will open up to you. It is so easy to feel downtrodden, isolated and afraid nowadays. My own tendency to isolate in times of stress and sadness has often left me little energy to think outside of myself and my immediate circle. There are times to turn inward, but it is so much more valuable when those times of reflection are met with connection. I, like so many, have had unhealthy ways of coping with my own traumas and grief, my insecurities and broken heart. Over the last year, I have put in real work to better myself, to respect myself, and in garnering this renewed self-love, I've found I have more to give tenfold. Eating well and moving my body really does wonders, gives me more energy and inspiration to take care of myself, and by proxy those around me. I suddenly want to read more, cook more, engage in more meaningful conversation, take on new projects with friends that will enrich our lives.
I've been feeling so existential and sentimental recently, in an extreme way I've never experienced before, because it is paired with the efforts I've made to treat myself differently and better. For the first time in what feels like a very long time, I actually find myself wanting to make the most of my life, of life in general, instead of lying in wait for some invisible, impending threat, or even merely waiting for things to maybe work out in an acceptable, tepid way someday. I want to make the most of everything. I think this is the key to sustained happiness and hopefulness–—listening to what your body wants, treating it as well as you can, and using the stamina you achieve to connect with others and be present in the world. It may all be doomed, but I still see beauty around me simply by not turning away from it anymore, enough beauty to really, really believe that it is such an exquisite accident to be alive.
Mar 7, 2025
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This year has been long and difficult - one extended sit-in forced to reconcile with myself. Though I wouldn’t change it for nothing, this year of constructive stress, I spent the majority of it stuck in feeling I needed other people to understand me. I have felt as if I were split open and bleeding; they know too much of me, the wrong parts of me, making incorrect assumptions. Or worse, correct ones and I don’t know who I am. I don’t know which parts of me to fix or to rather tolerate a blanket acceptance of all the traits and habits that make me who I am, even the ones I feel make me intolerable.
I have come to a reconciliation on this but maybe only due to the sun returning and flowers blooming. Stumbled upon this video, it’s good if ur curious. I think a lot of people can relate to desperately wanting, clawing for a romantic relationship. More specifically, we look for someone who understands, someone who fills the aloneness. I do not know if such a thing is possible; always, there is space between this person and the next. Even in an embracing intimate seclusion with another, there are gaps and crevasses unreachable, unspeakable, nothing with which to tend to these deep gorges of separation. What to do about this? So much of myself I do not understand.
Apr 24, 2024
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You have to force yourself to tackle the hard thing, whatever that means to you. Because the more difficult thing, it’s probably the right thing, or the thing your life needs. I think for me, the hard thing was to submerge myself into genuine solitude. And I’m not talking about like, My Year of Rest and Relaxation or Leaving Las Vegas type solitude… And I am definitely not talking about anything related to the type of seclusion that came with quarantine. The objective here isn’t to isolate yourself to the point of total deterioration or to reject the people who love you. It’s about stomaching the feelings of loneliness that come with deep personal reflection. It’s about enduring the self-imposed boredom that comes with getting to know yourself without any external influence. It’s not about being physically alone (though it is a part of it), it’s just about finding ways to be alone with yourself and who you are, the good and the bad, and really admitting to the bad. And then, what was at first so uncomfortable and sort of embarrassing to undertake will eventually become easy-normal. Everything outside of your solitude becomes so peripheral it’s hard to remember when you existed right in the center of it all. And some people, the ones who really do buy into their socio-infallibility, will probably, yeah, consider you some misanthropic outcast! But, what my friend and I like to joke about as being misanthropy is actually just self-awareness and conviction, and belief in the improvability of everything that is or can be wrong with oneself or others... The world feels constantly disappointing, and people are disappointing, and you’re disappointing, and I am definitely disappointing… But all of that can be improved upon and then improved even more, and more and more… But you can’t improve anything about yourself until you know what it is that needs improving. And even then, knowing is only the first step, knowing doesn’t mean anything if you don’t do something about it. So if any of this applies to you, maybe think about it, do something about it. Leave, find solitude, change what needs to be changed, even if it’s really, really, hard to do that. And most importantly… embrace your cynicism in positive ways instead of in ways that honestly just fucking suck!
Oct 13, 2022
Top Recs from @mattsdelusions
being a gay boy in texas meant that life was never going to be simple. having an older sister has made life 100x better.
shoutout to all the older sisters out there. yall are true soldiers and are truly the heavy lifters in the family. also shoutout to my sister for allowing me to take her car to drive our family to new mexico.
May 18, 2025
Originally by Betty Hutton. I love the story of why Bjork covered this song and included it in her second album: Her and her band discovered Betty and this song in a truck shop, and they decided that this would be their pre-game song before every show.
Feb 23, 2025
call me old fashioned but ill refer to them formally regardless of their age. maybe because i grew up in the south working at chick fil a for a couple months.
hell yeah im calling a 12 year old boy as sir. hes a dapper little fellow.
May 24, 2025