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This year has been long and difficult - one extended sit-in forced to reconcile with myself. Though I wouldn’t change it for nothing, this year of constructive stress, I spent the majority of it stuck in feeling I needed other people to understand me. I have felt as if I were split open and bleeding; they know too much of me, the wrong parts of me, making incorrect assumptions. Or worse, correct ones and I don’t know who I am. I don’t know which parts of me to fix or to rather tolerate a blanket acceptance of all the traits and habits that make me who I am, even the ones I feel make me intolerable.
I have come to a reconciliation on this but maybe only due to the sun returning and flowers blooming. Stumbled upon this video, it’s good if ur curious. I think a lot of people can relate to desperately wanting, clawing for a romantic relationship. More specifically, we look for someone who understands, someone who fills the aloneness. I do not know if such a thing is possible; always, there is space between this person and the next. Even in an embracing intimate seclusion with another, there are gaps and crevasses unreachable, unspeakable, nothing with which to tend to these deep gorges of separation. What to do about this? So much of myself I do not understand.
Apr 24, 2024
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I fear that the anxious attachers (myself) who are deeply devoted to doing inner work to embrace a more level-headed presence and invitation, want so badly to empathize and understand their partners’ (avoidant) tendencies. Not to villainize them, and not to negate their own emotional experience but to understand that conscious (even karmic opposite attachment relationships) activate these wounds for deeper reasons than maybe we can comprehend.
The hardest part is knowing that you’re putting into the emotional energy economy, making your counterpart aware of this, and that they are also aware of what needs to change but are in a stalemate frozen with fear of failing, or being imperfect or letting the connection deepen into deeply devoted unveiled love. That is the complexity because love exists very clearly, softly, silly’ly and perhaps often, inconsistently, so it’s difficult to know when to keep grasping for more, and letting them open up to their own journey and walking, maybe even guiding them alongside of the emotional healing because we know what it’s like to be tortured of our emotional hearts and vulnerability.
I’m 25, almost 26 and this is the most conscious partnership I’ve ever been in, but we are constantly doing healing work, having difficult conversations, feeling tension, love, expansion, connection and shared wisdom and warmth, and many things on the internet or in books tell you to walk away from it even if it sometimes gives you what you want, but for me I just don’t know if I’m at that space yet.
I want to watch him heal, and I want to heal more of myself, even if I’ve already done so much work. Like I want someone integrating their shadows into the light with me, because I’m not a surface-level human, this digging and re-planting, death and rebirth. Is this what relationships are about or do people like me (anxious attacher’s) just stay longer because their hearts are more open, hopeful and wishing?
Jun 23, 2025
long rant but ive recently been transitioning from feeling immense joy from those around me to overwhelming burdens crushing my spirit.
i mean, the guy i was talking to for a while ends things because hes "going through a lot," which can be reasonable (if we were 15), and my ex texts me the same day asking to rekindle things (hell no.)
of course i would feel overwhelmed, but now that im past those situations ive come to the realization that i should probably start focusing on myself.
ive been feeling happy for a while because i forced myself to be around those who make me happy, causing myself to feel discomfort in times of isolation.
i think its time to sit in the sun and embrace this weird transition in my life.
Jul 1, 2025
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I found this in my notes up from April before I met a partner of mine and was overwhelmed with a constant feeling of loneliness. He later cheated on me at the start of the month, and I felt nothing,
I was released to be alone. Now that December is coming to an end, the joy of space has worn off and left a lonesome taste in my mouth. He is the most recent picture of intimacy I can claw too. I dislike him and don’t want him, I’m not sure I ever did. But god do I miss sleeping next to him, I miss his representation of warmth, not him. Anyway this little diary passage reminded me how well I know myself and how the same feelings and thoughts will continuously re imagine themself and manifest into life.
19 April 2024
“We aren’t meant to be solitary creatures
We are made to hold one another
Our arms fit perfectly around people for a reason
And every night I go with only my bed to keep me warm
Part of my soul breaks under the discomfort
The absence of someone is the presence of my loneliness
The space becomes filled with reflections of myself
And I must stare back at my ghosts who haunt me with the silhouette of lovers who did not want me”
Dec 30, 2024
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Ripping into fruits on a hot summers day, juice dribbling down my exposed chest pooling at my feet. Sitting in cool river streams, a part of the natural world around me. Not a thought beyond the immediate. Stuff like that.
Jul 10, 2024
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I have many Ideas. I ponder over them like an obsessive collector; organizing, re-organizing, packing them into words so the meaning is captured, transferable. Most of my transformative experiences are unexplainable - how does one capture the depth of a still, silent night? The whispering of leaves in warm summer breezes. Vague feelings of wholism while sitting in the grass, photosynthesizing like plant ancestors - a fish swims without direction. Many call it god but the church is alienating; the word massacred and butchered beyond the recognition of what it once meant.
One idea I have kept unmolested by the opinions of others, is that these holistic experiences in nature, with friends, live music shows, where the pulse of life beats strongly, are everything. An anchor point for a life well lived. It’s not enough to just be in nature, alchemizing the circumstance missing the key ingredient. A couple of friends and I went on a trip to where the ocean went on forever, unbroken horizon. We were down by the water, sunset and glistening, warmth of the sun and sand beneath my feet. But it was nothing more than looking. I did not have access to this other way of being - locked out, truthfully, by being eaten alive by the stress of exams and stewing in the feelings of being unlovable. It is somehow within you; the trees and ocean reflect it back to me. A quality of self brought out by sincerity and solitude. It’s everything, reflected in everything worthwhile.
Apr 17, 2024