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I found this in my notes up from April before I met a partner of mine and was overwhelmed with a constant feeling of loneliness. He later cheated on me at the start of the month, and I felt nothing,
I was released to be alone. Now that December is coming to an end, the joy of space has worn off and left a lonesome taste in my mouth. He is the most recent picture of intimacy I can claw too. I dislike him and donāt want him, Iām not sure I ever did. But god do I miss sleeping next to him, I miss his representation of warmth, not him. Anyway this little diary passage reminded me how well I know myself and how the same feelings and thoughts will continuously re imagine themself and manifest into life.
19 April 2024
āWe arenāt meant to be solitary creatures
We are made to hold one another
Our arms fit perfectly around people for a reasonĀ
And every night I go with only my bed to keep me warm
Part of my soul breaks under the discomfortĀ
The absence of someone is the presence of my lonelinessĀ
The space becomes filled with reflections of myself
And I must stare back at my ghosts who haunt me with the silhouette of lovers who did not want meā
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A few days ago, I unexpectedly ran into my ex-boyfriend, with whom I ended things two years ago. It was an unusual encounter, as we always seem to cross paths at significant moments, as if the universe is at play. The last time we crossed paths was on New Yearās Eve, just minutes before midnight, which left us feeling awkward. This time, it happened on his birthday, which felt almost deliberate, especially since I had just been thinking about whether or not I should send him a message. But when is the right time to leave people in the past?
Thereās something uncanny about bumping into someone from your past ā a topic that doesnāt get discussed often enough. We all have someone who once played a crucial role in our lives ā a partner, a best friend ā people who, for one reason or another, have drifted away.Ā Yet, at the same time, these people continue to influence who we are today. They serve as a small reminder of what no longer fits, while the core of who they are remains the same. It often feels as if you last saw them only yesterday, even though life has continued to move forward. You give each other a brief update on your lives, occasionally exchanging smiles, with a hint of awkwardness lingering now and then.Ā
After this unexpected encounter, I shared the experience with my current partner, who gave me a gentle hug of understanding, without finding the situation odd. It felt right to express how I felt about it ā that it was both strange and familiar, that we had taken the time to catch up, but that there was nothing more to it than that fleeting moment. Knowing that the person Iām with now understands where I'm coming from gives me confidence that Iām in the right place, that I can feel safe enough to share my past as we focus on building our future together.
After all, love is love, even if some parts of it linger in the past. Realizing that time isn't always linear allows us to see how certain things continue to resonate in the present ā memories that arenāt confined to the past but extend into the future, shaped by the choices we make and the people we choose to share our lives with.Ā After a while, you feel a sense of peace, knowing that all the moments were valuable or instructive.
There is something both beautiful and confusing about encountering people from our past ā a fleeting moment that seems to pass in the blink of an eye before it fades away. Itās the recognition of each otherās lives, of who we once were and who we still are, while finding happiness with someone new and genuinely celebrating each otherās growth.Ā
As we hugged goodbye, I couldnāt help but reflect on how right he had been back then ā that I would eventually find someone I truly deserved, someone better suited for me, and that he would too. It signifies that we have brought so much good into each otherās lives and are now able to move forward with who weāve become.
Aug 26, 2024
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I met with a friend yesterday that I havenāt seen or really spoken to in months. We discovered that during the month of January we both endured similarly painful experiences of being wanted my someone and wanting them in return, only to have that person take everything back within the span of a couple days.
Itās a really confusing and jarring feeling and itās like mourning something that hasnāt even had the chance to begin. During this conversation We reflected a lot on our generation (mid twenties) and how apathetic so many people have become. When did it become a crime to want and be wanted??
As much as Iāve been finding myself and have been on a real journey of self fulfillment lately, I still find myself aching with the loss of this person, or maybe the feeling this person gave me. I wish that someone could love me in the way that I love. I wish oversharing wasnāt a word in our vocabulary and that we could speak freely and from the heart at all times. Im so done being casual and nonchalant and apathetic; I care so much I canāt stand it.
Feb 8, 2025
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i donāt really miss the last relationship i was in, despite the fact that it was 4 years long and there was an easy, comfortable companionship between us - one of the main reasons we stayed together long past what probably should have been our expiration date. what iāve realized i do miss, though, is someone to regulate and balance myself against.
iāve always had issues getting myself to sleep at a decent hour, issues with focus, time management, executive function, and all the rest of the laundry list that comes with high functioning ADHD. with a mostly-patient āneurotypicalā partner, though, i found myself able to mirror some of their habits, their rhythms. and i basically always had an on-call body double, someone with whom i could share productive silence - nothing better than someone who doesnāt feel the need to constantly be chatting, who might every now and then quietly look over and give me a gentle /whack/ when iāve strayed from my task.
when we were together, a normal sleep schedule became attainable; in the months before we broke up, there were plenty of nights a week that i would get my 8 hours. now, getting any more than 6 on a worknight? feels like a chore that iām constantly failing to get to. but for a while, climbing into bed early with another person to do the mini crossword and then lazily drift out was just one last hit of dopamine to close the day. and then waking up in their arms, the first hit of the day. something to constantly look forward to.
i donāt necessarily miss the relationship, but iām looking forward to finding someone who can be that for me again
Jan 31, 2024
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It is summer time and everyone is out dancing and drinking, meeting new lovers or growing with old lovers. I am left watching as I work for money and for a better version of myself. My winter was wild and shocking with polycules and new friends, flirting and drinking everyday barely had a second to look after myself let alone my dog(Ted). the strangest thing is how Iām very happy not doing much, I love my own company and Iām getting a complete 8 hours of sleep with no lovers to keep me awake at night or disrupt my eating schedule from nausea. I feel wrong for this though like I should be making every memory possible, Jam Pack as many emotions and experiences as I can whilst young and itās summer. but Iām so happy, I need to stop being mean to myself, for changing my mind on what I truly want.
Dec 13, 2024
I know by Fiona Apple has been replayed many times this week as I actually begin to process a break up from months ago. His ex texted me too so all the emotions are going crazy
Jan 24, 2025
I have many complex feelings around painting people, relationships, friends, situationships ect. Iām recently working on a piece related to a recent break up and feel strange about showing it because I donāt want him to think Iām obsessed or dwelling or creepy but fuck it! I donāt care let me process and express and if you think painting someoneās face without their permission is immoral! Well cheating on someone is also quite immoral.
Anyway hereās my new piece I have started (not finished)
āBeautiful losersā
You love only when itās a reflection of yourself.making me a mirror you can romanticise. he couldnāt tell me anything about me, just how I made HIM feel.
Jan 24, 2025