⭐
A few days ago, I unexpectedly ran into my ex-boyfriend, with whom I ended things two years ago. It was an unusual encounter, as we always seem to cross paths at significant moments, as if the universe is at play. The last time we crossed paths was on New Year’s Eve, just minutes before midnight, which left us feeling awkward. This time, it happened on his birthday, which felt almost deliberate, especially since I had just been thinking about whether or not I should send him a message. But when is the right time to leave people in the past?
There’s something uncanny about bumping into someone from your past – a topic that doesn’t get discussed often enough. We all have someone who once played a crucial role in our lives — a partner, a best friend — people who, for one reason or another, have drifted away. Yet, at the same time, these people continue to influence who we are today. They serve as a small reminder of what no longer fits, while the core of who they are remains the same. It often feels as if you last saw them only yesterday, even though life has continued to move forward. You give each other a brief update on your lives, occasionally exchanging smiles, with a hint of awkwardness lingering now and then.
After this unexpected encounter, I shared the experience with my current partner, who gave me a gentle hug of understanding, without finding the situation odd. It felt right to express how I felt about it — that it was both strange and familiar, that we had taken the time to catch up, but that there was nothing more to it than that fleeting moment. Knowing that the person I’m with now understands where I'm coming from gives me confidence that I’m in the right place, that I can feel safe enough to share my past as we focus on building our future together.
After all, love is love, even if some parts of it linger in the past. Realizing that time isn't always linear allows us to see how certain things continue to resonate in the present – memories that aren’t confined to the past but extend into the future, shaped by the choices we make and the people we choose to share our lives with. After a while, you feel a sense of peace, knowing that all the moments were valuable or instructive.
There is something both beautiful and confusing about encountering people from our past — a fleeting moment that seems to pass in the blink of an eye before it fades away. It’s the recognition of each other’s lives, of who we once were and who we still are, while finding happiness with someone new and genuinely celebrating each other’s growth.
As we hugged goodbye, I couldn’t help but reflect on how right he had been back then — that I would eventually find someone I truly deserved, someone better suited for me, and that he would too. It signifies that we have brought so much good into each other’s lives and are now able to move forward with who we’ve become.
Aug 26, 2024
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I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships that for one reason or another ended up falling apart throughout my life. Some were my fault, some were theirs, and some a mix of both. Some have been redeemed, some are being restored as we speak, and some will never be mended or fixed. I think for many years I was so convinced that I needed to make amends with everyone, regardless of how things went. It felt like I had an obligation to swallow my pride and apologize, even if I wasn’t at fault. I spent so much time dismissing my own feelings in order to repair things with people that never really cared about my feelings in the first place. That was a majority of my early 20’s.
Looking back now at 30, it’s interesting to see how time has given me so much peace about letting certain relationships end and not feeling like I needed to revive them. It’s a strange acceptance that at some point, we must have been good friends for a reason, even if I can’t remember what that reason was and that I can remember the good moments and the laughter and the fun and the trips and the celebrations without focusing on the bad. It’s like the time has allowed me to forget exactly how bad the bad times were and it makes the good memories seem better than they were.
In my 20’s I would have either tried to fix everything for the sake of the good moments, or I would have stubbornly tried to forget them entirely because of the bad.
But it feels different now.
So much time has passed and I naturally find myself thinking of those people less frequently, but when I do think of them I remember them more fondly. And it’s okay for it to be just that. There’s no need for more, no need to reach out, no need to make things as they were. It’s an acceptance that some things do just end and that’s ok. I don’t have to focus on the bad, it’s okay to celebrate the good that existed if even just for a small amount of time. The laughter and the love and the companionship was real then, even if it doesn’t exist any longer.
Here’s to hoping all those people are doing well in life and finding success and love and building a life with someone and establishing their legacy. Here’s to hoping that good luck finds them from time to time. And here’s to hoping that when they remember me, hopefully they wish the same good fortune my way.
May 2, 2024
💌
I found this in my notes up from April before I met a partner of mine and was overwhelmed with a constant feeling of loneliness. He later cheated on me at the start of the month, and I felt nothing,
I was released to be alone. Now that December is coming to an end, the joy of space has worn off and left a lonesome taste in my mouth. He is the most recent picture of intimacy I can claw too. I dislike him and don’t want him, I’m not sure I ever did. But god do I miss sleeping next to him, I miss his representation of warmth, not him. Anyway this little diary passage reminded me how well I know myself and how the same feelings and thoughts will continuously re imagine themself and manifest into life.
19 April 2024
“We aren’t meant to be solitary creatures
We are made to hold one another
Our arms fit perfectly around people for a reason
And every night I go with only my bed to keep me warm
Part of my soul breaks under the discomfort
The absence of someone is the presence of my loneliness
The space becomes filled with reflections of myself
And I must stare back at my ghosts who haunt me with the silhouette of lovers who did not want me”
Dec 30, 2024
🌻
I went on a good date with a good guy tonight. He makes sense— he’s kind and normal and opens the doors for me and my family would love him. He got me sunflowers last week. There was a sense of peace about the whole thing… I didn’t feel my heart racing or manically tug at my dress to hide my stomach. It was easy, it was natural.
I’m 22 and I remember when I was 20 and I went on a date with a watchmaker in Paris. He was wild and I felt like I had known him forever. My heart was flying out of me, we drank wine on the Seine and he kissed me silly under the Eiffel Tower then we ran through the metro stations holding hands and listening to Heroes by David Bowie, one airpod each. I was so alive, I was a kid, I was love. The watchmaker ended up hurting me with a surprising indifference and we don’t talk anymore. The cruel joke of it all is that I will always compare every date I go on to that one. That perfect date where I was stupid and a child and beautiful and in love all of a sudden.
Now I’m 22, my frontal lobe is threatening to develop, and I’m anxiously looking over my shoulder at that wild, sparkly feeling, wondering if it’s worth peace to leave it in the past.
I’ve decided that I’m not going to leave it in the past, but maybe put it in my back pocket and try to give this new thing (peace and stability) a chance, having no idea what might happen with it. All I know is that I might realize I fucked it up and have to let go of this sweet guy’s hand at the wrong moment and fuck it up because the feeling in my back pocket is too precious and I must find it again. I like to believe that as long as I’ve been honest with him that I’m lost and can be a moron and never know what I want because I want everything at once, at least he won’t be blindsided. So I’ll put new, fresh water in the jar of sunflowers today, and remind myself that the watchmaker left me on opened a year ago.
1d ago
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