This is the photo that I stare at longingly as we talk on the phone. I miss him terribly right now.
We met outside of a funny little bar (Avant-Garde in Ottawa) during a break in sets where everyone was smoking outside. I actually came to see his friend’s band but he and his friends were absolutely tearing up the dance floor. I decided to go up and talk to the cute ginger boy (lover boy, Cam) and the goofy guy from the band (Noah) and they told me about a DJ set Noah was doing the next Friday. Cam never got my number so I had to go, obviously. He finally got my instagram (make better choices, ask for their number) that night and I dmed him and asked what he was doing the next day - he was going to read on his balcony. I’d learn later that this man is a very avid reader (love). I asked to join and that was our first date! He’s the first person to ever cook for me, and he even set me up on a chair and with a baguette with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. We dated for the rest of the summer, about two months, then I went back to school in a different city and we parted ways.
He thought we’d never talk again but I hit him up whenever I came back to town and even asked if he’d like to spend a couple of days cooped up when I was back on winter break. He said yes and we drank wine and watched good movies and ate grapefruits. That weekend together brought us really close.
I wasn’t in Ottawa the next summer but I did spend two weeks completely alone in Kakabeka Falls between forestry contracts in Northern Ontario. Those weeks I called him most days for hours despite us not having really talked in months.
Then I came back to Ottawa for an internship this September. I’ve always been really weird about relationships, so I told him I just wanted to be friends. So we were, but also we would *platonically* share the twin bed I had at the time when it was late and I didn’t want him to spend exorbitant amounts of money getting home.
He actually told me he wanted to be with me in October, but I was scared and said he wasn’t what I wanted. We stayed friends.
December 21st I wanted to go see my favourite local band (Baby Richman) back at Avant-Garde. They have a super psychadelic sound and one of my roommates gave me shrooms to take. I was supposed to go with my other roommate, but she cancelled last minute. Not wanting to lightly trip alone in public, I invited Cam. The night was great, but when the music ended I didn’t want to stay out. I wanted to lie in my soft bed, feel my soft cotton pyjamas, and look up at my twinkly lights. Lying on my bed with Cam, we talked for hours. I cried at how beautifully he described his family’s Christmas traditions. That night I realized just how much I want to be an integral part of his life. We were a year and a half in the making.
He is wonderful. He’s funny, incredibly smart, and inspires me to improve every day. He also always stuck around, despite many efforts to push something so good away. I am so lucky to be reunited with him in July.
May 26, 2025
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@ROOGBY thank you! it’s a fresh love and an old one all at once. i am very lucky
May 26, 2025
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He likes to say we met on Tinder because he knows it annoys me lol. Our very first meeting was on New Year’s Eve of 2016 at a house party. He had the same name as one of our mutual friends (“S” from here on out for anonymity’s sake) and I kept riffing with him about that and ended up hugging him when I left, my long hair got in his mouth and he still remembers that lol.
He was the drummer in my friend‘s band and I’d ask about him often; each sillygoofy funny tale made me more interested and led to a little facebook stalk session. My friend mentioned that they were going to a birthday party for one of S’s friends. I begged if they could get me an invite and funnily enough that same day S saw us walking down the street and texted them “you and your friend look good in red.” The invite was secured!
That night, I got all done up and went to the party and immediately got blasted on some sangria. I cornered S and talked to only him the ENTIRE party, mostly discussing a bracket my brother and I had made to determine the best disney channel original movie. He was so kind and sweet and funny and did not make a move! Which was a huge contrast compared to all the thirsty gross dudes I’d normally encounter at parties.
For the next couple months, we’d see eachother around at coffee shops and exchange smiles and quick hello’s. One day on a beautiful early Spring afternoon I was sitting outside at a coffee shop reading Marx for homework and saw S. He sat outside nearby me and I said “ok this is silly!” and told/asked him to join me.
We sat there for three hours as a rotating cast of characters came through. We’d see friends and they join for a spell and go on their way, the funniest addition was my friend and her 12 year old brother. I had to get to class so we parted ways and I was still surprised he hadn’t made any moves or even any objectifying comments, not that I wanted that, but that’s generally the way I’m used to men interested in me acting. I figured he had a partner, wasn’t straight, or simply wasn’t interested in me.
This was the golden days of Tinder so one night when I was trawling through the city’s singles, I finally saw S on the app. This was my shot and I was not going to miss it! A simple ”swipe right” would not do my, I used my daily free superlike and held my breath. We matched! I don’t remember the first messages but it was something like “well, finally!” and we planned the first date.
Apparently, he had a massive crush on me from our very first meeting and thought I was way out of his league so he wrongfully assumed my overt flirting as was just a platonic offering of friendship. We have been together ever since and are happily married and still more in love every day. He has gotten me through so much and I cannot imagine my life without him, love you my beautiful husband!!!
This is your sign to shoot your damn shot!!!
Apr 20, 2025
We moved to Washington, DC in 2016; two strangers with suitcases arriving on the very same day. He by train, me by plane. Our paths wouldn’t officially cross until eight months later, but after comparing notes, we figured out that we were in the same rooms, repeatedly, without even knowing it. We went to the same concerts in the Luce Gallery, frequented the microcinema in Mount Pleasant, browsed the racks at the same record stores, and fell in love with the same Nam June Paik installation at the American Art Museum.
We matched on Tinder, as with many millennials on the apps. In April of 2017, we went on a first date in the park by my house. Drinking Stiegel Radlers, complaining about work, and the general weird vibes of living in DC during that specific political climate. We parted ways, claiming we’d keep in touch, and proceeded to ghost one another.
Fast forward to the fall of the same year. We’re back on the apps and we’ve matched again—7 months later. We decided to grab coffee in Georgetown, welcoming a chance to reconnect. And then coffee turned into a walk. The walk extends into an hourslong affair in hopes of catching the full moon rising. We went to the White House, peed in a hotel bathroom, and finally found ourselves in front of the Weather Underground house in Adams Morgan, six or seven hours later. We split up content that we’d hang out again soon.
Little did we know that that long walk would turn into a never-ending story, or better yet, a story with a happy ending. We saw each other a few days later, discovering our mutual love of physical media. I even brought a tape recorder with me to record snatches of conversation. What are the odds that the girl with the massive VHS collection would meet the boy with the massive cassette collection, who hosted a monthly cassette night at a local bar? After five months, we decided to cut our commutes, merge our collections, and move in together sooner than most would advise.
From our home, we weathered the historic government shutdown, a global pandemic, and countless protests—finding comfort and safety in a world of our making. We moved to Chicago, I started and left a PhD, we both found new jobs, we bought our apartment, started a gallery in our living room, and our family grew to include our dog, Momo.
If there’s one thing our relationship has taught us, it’s that it’s okay to perpetually be in a state of becoming. Whether that’s giving one another a second chance at a first date, exploring different career paths, trying and failing at new recipes and hobbies—within the solid foundation of our communion, we can be whoever we want to be, and whoever we might become. So here’s to second chances and the longest second first date in the world.
Feb 14, 2025
👨
i was raised in a highly religious household where i was taught that dating was for marriage. middle school romances, then, were frowned upon and seen as fickle because they “just lead to unnecessary heartbreak“. as fucked up as this logic was, it made sense to me at the time and little me became an expert at suppressing any and all romantic urges, knowing that one day, when i was old enough, my time would come. brainwashing runs deep though, and this sense of being too young for a serious relationship never left me.
time passes, and one day i find myself at 18 years old sitting in the most romantic gazebo in a forest with this girl i felt i really liked at the time. i tell her how much i like her. she says she feels the same. my heart is pounding like never before. yet, terrified of commitment, feeling ashamed of having feelings, and having the sense that im going to have to marry this girl if things went any further, the moment came and went and we never kissed.
we end up moving away from each other. i spend my next years at college feeling heartbroken but also wracking my brain over why things never truly felt right with her. i do shrooms, my religiosity unravels, and i finally accept that im gay. internal crises ensue and i spend a good couple years “doing they work”, as they say.
flash forward to 23. i‘ve moved to the city and have my own apartment. i’ve just come out two months prior. i decide i want to start dating (big because i had never actually dated anyone, esp men). i meet someone online and we go out a few times. i’m absolutely charmed and he tells me how bad he wants to kiss me but i have to decline because i still feel like i barely know him and i don’t want to regret it. i explain my lore to give reason for my apprehension. like, the stakes are now HIGH - my brain is way too developed at this point for me to waste my first kiss on just anyone.
one evening shortly after, we’re chatting on the couch in my apartment and that pre-kiss feeling is in the air. he asks again if he can kiss me and i say yes. he leans in, does the deed, i kiss back, and we make out for close to three hours (needed to make up for 23 years of nothing). one of the best nights of my life. it took years of self-work and un-conditioning to get to that place in my life where i could experience/enjoy a moment like that and im so proud of myself for it<3
epilogue: we continued to go out but ended up doing the whole anxious/avoidant situationship dance which nearly destroyed me in the end (i still think about him every day). but we had some good times lol
Oct 17, 2024
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My boyfriend came across these illustrations looking through a book of french fairytales (adorable) and thought I’d like them and I DO! They’re by Virgina Frances Sterrett and so so so dreamy.
Mar 31, 2025
Apr 19, 2025
On repeat this week! This album finally convinced me to buy a CD player so i can have it on in the background forever.
Mar 28, 2025