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I have the feminine urge to just pull my hair and roll up in a ball and cry and maybe catch on fire if I have the time too.
I'm not sure why but this month, though short, has been so awful. I'm actually feeling the academic stress creeping onto me, holding me in it's grasp like a vice. I can't focus, I can't sleep no matter how much I want to or how much I try. Being a junior everything just feels so real now.
I've lost my passion to learn more, to explore things and to actually give a damn about what I like. French for instance has become a nuisance, a pile of work just building rapidly which sucks because I've always loved that subject.
Math has always and will keep being my demise, never being my strong suit. I've genuinely started trying to learn but it's just so confusing and hard to keep up with.
Core is another subject where I've lost all creativity, making me feel asnif my writing is inferior to everyone else's, and it's because of this class I feel so much pressure to always be great and go above and beyond.
I hate feeling like this, I don't want to fail.
Genuinely the greatest mystery to me is how peers who pick up many sports, extracurriculars, go home late, to to bed late, can ace their classes and be so cheery? Like can I please know your secret? How do they do it?
I've lost all motivation to do anything, and because of this I feel so utterly lost.
Apr 8, 2025
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Currently I am finding it rather difficult to find myself in this world and what I want to do. Being 21 and in college really puts a lot of pressure on you when your peers are entering their last year at university. I’ve never known what I want to do, i’ve never had a lifelong dream of becoming something. I never had that feeling. Out of high school I had no idea what to do with my life so i copied another persons life instead of taking my own route. I realized then this is never a good idea you should always be yourself. The issue is I don’t know myself, I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I don’t know what I want to become career wise. I have many lifelong goals and plans for my future like getting married, starting a family, and moving to a beautiful house preferably outside of lakeway it’s just the roadblock of how I’m gonna do all of that. Career and money really puts a lingering constant pressure on me and it is genuinely one of the worst feelings in the world. Seeing your peers grow up and get internships and jobs and opportunities when you have no clue whatsoever what you want to do is rough. I do believe somewhere in my mind that I will randomly find a calling or a passion and turn that into a well paying career. But for now i’m stuck.
Apr 19, 2025
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i have been home from uni for a while over christmas break. i think about this often but i genuinely believe that uni has allowed me to grow so much as a person, to find the parts of myself that i really needed, and to understand the importance of connecting with others. and it is lovely to go home and be able to see my familiar environments in a new light based on things i have experienced at uni. but it does hurt me how easy it still is, despite all this, for me to fall back into my old habits when i am at home; being unproductive, doom scrolling, the way i can actively feel myself wasting time. i am aware that these are things that negatively impact my mood, and yet i still find myself caught up in them. i wish i understood why i do this. maybe it is the fact that i was working so hard at uni and i have simply crashed here. i have come to understand the concept of taking a real break fairly recently. but i feel as though a break should be healing. and i just wish i could read, or post on here, do things that i know will inspire me as default, instead of reverting to actions that make me feel worse. i believe i can get to that point, every day is a new day and a new chance to live it the way i want to. i am doing my best. maybe my mind is at conflict with itself; it needs a break, but also needs to feel productive, so it does neither. i am working on finding the balance. everything is a work in progress.
Dec 28, 2024
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^^THIS mantra saved my life. I feel for you and I feel equipped to answer this, it's been a main theme for me since I finished college about 8 years ago.
No one prepares you for the absolute freefall of post grad. We're trained to work our ass off in school. Make ourselves appear well-rounded so we're marketable. We're able to gauge our progress against our peers in a tangible way. If we work hard, we'll have more opportunities – in school and in our career. We'll be free, happy, and financially comfortable. But it's not true. The tracks suddenly end and there's no clear path forward. It's a freedom that feels harrowing to most people (it did to me!) because no one is telling you what you should do, and that's so scary. And it's normal.
A "career" is a product of various factors like opportunity, socioeconomic status, nepotism, and luck. Obviously there are exceptions, but that's a more common reality. I'm not saying it's pointless to get good grades and a college degree 🙃 but it's definitely not a guarantee to get your "dream job" or any job lol. I'm someone that worked hard to do everything "right" and it still took me 3+ years to get a job in the industry I studied. I worked retail and felt like a failure while I watched my friends climb up a ladder I couldn't even touch yet. When I finally landed a full-time marketing job I would find myself complaining a ton. About my boss or my random coworker or that I wasn't making the world a better place. The goal I'd been working to achieve my whole life was just a big, fat bummer! The bubble popped. I'd apply to jobs like a new start would save me. Then I got laid off. I landed a new gig that isn't perfect either.
But I'm starting to realize it doesn't really matter.
I've gone through cycles of feeling so oppressed by capitalism, so out of control of my own day-to-day, I developed severe depression and anxiety. My career-self and home-self split further and further apart because I didn't feel safe at work.
But recently I've realized a big part of why I was miserable was because that's what I told myself. Maybe I needed to cycle through these feelings for some reason. I got on medication, did a yoga teacher training, and started doing little things throughout the day to make myself happy. When I stopped being so hard on myself to reach some stupid made-up standard I could finally exhale. It also really helped to spend time with people older than me. Now I make choices to improve my life even just 1%, like going home at lunch to spend a few minutes in the sun, cutting back on alcohol, saying no to things I didn't want to do. I'm enjoying the now more than ever before because I stopped trying to push myself to look for what's next.
Now when I feel my anxiety creeping in at work (or anywhere) I just tell myself it's not that serious. 99% of the time it's true. You can not love your job and still be ridiculously happy. I've spent my life honoring all my emotions and not all of them deserve to be honored! Release and enjoy where you're at! The good and the bad, it's all temporary.
May 8, 2025
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I cried like a baby the other day, and honestly I'm glad I did.
In my core class I was doing some research on my EE topic, mainly focusing on Marina Abramović since I'm obsessed with her work so obviously my essay is revolved around her.
Anyways,
Amidst my research I took in time to view a fuller extent of The Artist is Present'. I knew it was an all day things, how people lined up to view it and even how celebrities such as Alan Rickman and Bjork sat with Abramović. The main thing about this was to have a conversation without words and instead utilize eyes, expressions, and sighs.
I know there are photos and videos of people crying and such when meeting Abramović, but she wouldn't have any extreme reactions other then smiling or sometimes shedding a single tear. Moreover, she would not move her arms nor extend them to the person sitting across from her.
Ulay was a German performance artist who had a relationship with Abramović with twelve years and after mutually agreeing to separating, they decided to meet each other at the great wall of China. The two started at opposite ends and met at the middle which took three months, they hugged, and this act was called 'Lovers'.
I love artist lore especially when it's about two people who have history together in the same profession.
Anywho so one day while Abramović is seated with eyes shut, a guy takes a seat on front of her and when they lock eyes the two immediately becone teary eyed.
Because it's Ulay and their first time seeing each other in years.
They cry, laugh, smile, and for the first time extends her arms to hold Ulay's hands, to which he takes.
So yeah, seeing it made me bawl and it's overall such a powerful clip. I think everyone should watch it.
I think too that it encapsulates that despite growing far from a previous loved one, the emotions are still kept in tact waiting for a chance to sprout again.
Feb 20, 2025
I think that one of the telltale signs of summer being bestowed upon us is the sound of the ice cream truck. Personally I find strawberry shortcake to be my favorite, followed by the Powerpuff girls one <3
6d ago
I have always adored art ever since I was in preschool. I loved creating characters or even doing my own renditions on characters and movies.
I even took time during lockdown to work on my interest, putting in hours of learning anatomy and structure.
However for a while I've been in a slump of sorts, I've lost creativity and the fuel to continue.
It's been hard, especially since drawing and creating is something I've been putting effort to what seems like eons at this point. I even decided to just quit altogether and pursue something else as a dream career.
There had become a point where my boyfriend gave me a pep talk and to prove his point he had read me a book he wad reading for philosophy called 'The Republic';
"All great things are precarious... Beautiful things really are difficult" and in his own words told me -
"It occurs often throughout the text, anything that is easy will never be beautiful, for if it is easy it won't have the scars and marks of something built through struggle, those scars and marks are the cracks through which beautiful shines most brightly", which I think helped me.
For the past month in my art class I've been researching a style called 'Jugendstil' and got a bit of inspiration again. I want to show off what I made because I'm genuinely happy with my product since a hot minute.
Anyways moral of the story, don't beat yourself up if you don't find something about you or what you make up to your standards, because beautiful things take time.
Feb 27, 2025