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i have been home from uni for a while over christmas break. i think about this often but i genuinely believe that uni has allowed me to grow so much as a person, to find the parts of myself that i really needed, and to understand the importance of connecting with others. and it is lovely to go home and be able to see my familiar environments in a new light based on things i have experienced at uni. but it does hurt me how easy it still is, despite all this, for me to fall back into my old habits when i am at home; being unproductive, doom scrolling, the way i can actively feel myself wasting time. i am aware that these are things that negatively impact my mood, and yet i still find myself caught up in them. i wish i understood why i do this. maybe it is the fact that i was working so hard at uni and i have simply crashed here. i have come to understand the concept of taking a real break fairly recently. but i feel as though a break should be healing. and i just wish i could read, or post on here, do things that i know will inspire me as default, instead of reverting to actions that make me feel worse. i believe i can get to that point, every day is a new day and a new chance to live it the way i want to. i am doing my best. maybe my mind is at conflict with itself; it needs a break, but also needs to feel productive, so it does neither. i am working on finding the balance. everything is a work in progress.
Dec 28, 2024
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^^THIS mantra saved my life. I feel for you and I feel equipped to answer this, it's been a main theme for me since I finished college about 8 years ago.
No one prepares you for the absolute freefall of post grad. We're trained to work our ass off in school. Make ourselves appear well-rounded so we're marketable. We're able to gauge our progress against our peers in a tangible way. If we work hard, we'll have more opportunities ā in school and in our career. We'll be free, happy, and financially comfortable. But it's not true. The tracks suddenly end and there's no clear path forward. It's a freedom that feels harrowing to most people (it did to me!) because no one is telling you what you should do, and that's so scary. And it's normal.
A "career" is a product of various factors like opportunity, socioeconomic status, nepotism, and luck. Obviously there are exceptions, but that's a more common reality. I'm not saying it's pointless to get good grades and a college degree š but it's definitely not a guarantee to get your "dream job" or any job lol. I'm someone that worked hard to do everything "right" and it still took me 3+ years to get a job in the industry I studied. I worked retail and felt like a failure while I watched my friends climb up a ladder I couldn't even touch yet. When I finally landed a full-time marketing job I would find myself complaining a ton. About my boss or my random coworker or that I wasn't making the world a better place. The goal I'd been working to achieve my whole life was just a big, fat bummer! The bubble popped. I'd apply to jobs like a new start would save me. Then I got laid off. I landed a new gig that isn't perfect either.
But I'm starting to realize it doesn't really matter.
I've gone through cycles of feeling so oppressed by capitalism, so out of control of my own day-to-day, I developed severe depression and anxiety. My career-self and home-self split further and further apart because I didn't feel safe at work.
But recently I've realized a big part of why I was miserable was because that's what I told myself. Maybe I needed to cycle through these feelings for some reason. I got on medication, did a yoga teacher training, and started doing little things throughout the day to make myself happy. When I stopped being so hard on myself to reach some stupid made-up standard I could finally exhale. It also really helped to spend time with people older than me. Now I make choices to improve my life even just 1%, like going home at lunch to spend a few minutes in the sun, cutting back on alcohol, saying no to things I didn't want to do. I'm enjoying the now more than ever before because I stopped trying to push myself to look for what's next.
Now when I feel my anxiety creeping in at work (or anywhere) I just tell myself it's not that serious. 99% of the time it's true. You can not love your job and still be ridiculously happy. I've spent my life honoring all my emotions and not all of them deserve to be honored! Release and enjoy where you're at! The good and the bad, it's all temporary.
May 8, 2025
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I recently decided to take a gap semester while approaching the finish line of my degree. I had a big ol cry about it, sat with it, told the people I loved and asked only for their support, and started carrying myself through.
When it comes to the push and shove of change, look behind you and notice the ways in which the universe/ your intuition knew about the decision all along. For me, I saw that I held left a trail of clues of my better-knowingness.
I originally was supposed to take this semester as part of an exchange program. I remember months ago, holding off to the last minute to apply to this university. Upon acceptance, I received emails about advice for students, my next steps, all of which I mostly ignored. Upon arriving to the UK, I didnāt participate in a lot of the international student sessions I signed up for. I arrived 2 weeks before classes, and spent time exploring, making art, travelling and not going to more than one information session. I didnāt get my student ID, sign up for the wifi, look over my classas in depth. Iām a grade-A nerd, so the burnout was visible before I even processed it.
Making this decision, to take time to make time, felt so incredibly right. the confidence in trusting that yeahā¦ I needed thatā¦ was reverberated in every conversation I had weeks forward. even my next steps, talking to advisors, shuffling paperwork, telling my professorsā¦ none of it felt as hard as actually applying to this university.
You know more than you think you do. focus on what youāve been hinting at all along. Trust yourself, and the march will surely continue
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Oct 23, 2024
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The dial that controls my creative output has not been cranked to the max lately and Iāve been getting upset at myself for it. Its felt like Iāve been wasting my free time by doing things that I like instead of things that are productive, and in turn enjoying those things less because Iām thinking about how I should be bettering myself or my world in some way.
I know there will be a time when the juices flow again because they have once before, and while I am in this dry spell Iām trying not to crucify myself too rigorously for not doing much writing and instead trying to make it to the end of the day without telling myself that I need to kill myself too many times to be deemed socially or even asocially acceptable.
Maybe a less prideful individual would just call it being depressed, but I must convolute around taking the easy way out and chalking it up to some misfiring neurons to instead convince myself that I am a cog in some unknowable cosmic engine and I simply must wait for some 7th dimensional machine elf to power me back on before Feeling Like Myself Again
1d ago
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happy memories of watching these movies with my family, including the new one this year which was AMAZINGš«¶ it is always beautiful to think about how some things stay with us our whole lives, like our love of certain movies, songs, foodsā¦
Dec 27, 2024
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i actually havenāt thought about this a lot but there are definitely spots i always gravitate towards. i love the library so much, especially the 5th floor where all the books for my subjects are, being surrounded by things i know so much about, and yet i am still constantly learning more. this is so precious to me. i am very passionate about what iām studying. and there is a japanese restaurant on campus, i have many good memories of visiting there with my friends and it is just comforting to me because i love japanese food. my favourite spot is definitely the lakes. my uni is built on a park so there is a lot of green space which i am grateful for. feeding the ducks is my favourite thing to do.
Dec 27, 2024
been obsessed with aziyaās ep ābambiā. i feel like i discovered it at the perfect time in my life, itās such a beautiful feeling when you find songs that just feel like you and exactly when you need them
Dec 27, 2024