I recently decided to take a gap semester while approaching the finish line of my degree. I had a big ol cry about it, sat with it, told the people I loved and asked only for their support, and started carrying myself through.
When it comes to the push and shove of change, look behind you and notice the ways in which the universe/ your intuition knew about the decision all along. For me, I saw that I held left a trail of clues of my better-knowingness.
I originally was supposed to take this semester as part of an exchange program. I remember months ago, holding off to the last minute to apply to this university. Upon acceptance, I received emails about advice for students, my next steps, all of which I mostly ignored. Upon arriving to the UK, I didn’t participate in a lot of the international student sessions I signed up for. I arrived 2 weeks before classes, and spent time exploring, making art, travelling and not going to more than one information session. I didn’t get my student ID, sign up for the wifi, look over my classas in depth. I’m a grade-A nerd, so the burnout was visible before I even processed it.
Making this decision, to take time to make time, felt so incredibly right. the confidence in trusting that yeah… I needed that… was reverberated in every conversation I had weeks forward. even my next steps, talking to advisors, shuffling paperwork, telling my professors… none of it felt as hard as actually applying to this university.
You know more than you think you do. focus on what you’ve been hinting at all along. Trust yourself, and the march will surely continue
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Oct 23, 2024
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Originally I went in with a double major in sociology and communications because I felt like I needed to major in at least one "sensible" major so I chose communications. But I took philosophy as my sequence and I fell in love with it. My then lecturer invited students to this philosophy symposium and he saw my interest in philosophy (I had never dared even think about why I kept choosing philosophy modules during my degree) so he said I could speak to philosophers there and ask them about their work so that I could also see what the field was like.
I almost didn't go but I went and I knew that philosophy wasn't a passing fascination for me. I didn't want to go because I was scared of having to tell my parents that I wanted my double major to be philosophy and sociology i.e. two interests that people told me were not a sensible career path. But I loved it and I realised that I could actually just go to the offices and change my majors and no one could stop me so I did. People were dubious of my decision but I ended up tutoring second years in modern philosophy, African philosophy and the ethics of AI, and now I am doing my masters, so I would say that it is a moment where I exercised my free will that worked out. It isn't my favourite because it worked out though.
It is my favourite because I was willing to risk it not working out. I exercised my free will fully knowing that it might "go wrong" and I did it anyways because I decided that the chance of it going right was worth it and I trusted myself to live with whatever the outcome would be. I still feel the electric sensation of being assertive in a decision that I made on the basis that I wanted to do something because it would make me happy, not because I was concerned with the shame of not meeting people's expectations.
Funnily enough I actually loved communications and I still keep up with research in it, its just that my favourite parts about communications are also not the "this will get you a job" sensible aspects of it, those parts were just okay to me. This decision had a domino effect on how I live my life, it got me back into making art, it made me interested in film, made me realise that I love teaching, and perhaps most importantly it made me brave. There is a version of me somewhere that is too timid and afraid to really live but instead, because of that one moment where I said "fuck it" and just did what I wanted to do without overthinking it, I am passionately and intensely alive. And prone to getting my hopes up lol.
Sep 27, 2024
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To be upfront, there are two things about myself that I love:
1. I'm tenacious AF
2. I am generally a positive person. I can handle almost any situtation, and I've had to learn to actually ask/demand more, so it's not always great.
With that being said, I've wanted to die many times. I've experienced a lot of trauma. I have PTSD for years. Things got to a point where I knew if I didn't make really drastic changes I was going to die in some way- I simply could not go on how I was.
The only thing that started to change things is when I started to learn more about myself and my reasons for doing things, being with certain people, getting into certain relationships. Part of my whole issue was that I had major trauma from childhood that I was actively avoiding. So many things happen to us as children, big and small, that we don't have the capacticy to deal with at the time. But as adults, we do.
I remember the moment where things started shifting for me. It unlocked a hunger in me to dig more and more to why I was the way I was, and why I made the choices I did, in a really deep way. I became more action oriented in facing my shit, healing it, and discovering what I was like without it. It definitely wasn't easy, and it wasn't fun most of the time, but in reality the years I spent doing that are small compared to the life I have ahead of me. I'm a whole new person, but the parts of me that are true are the same. I became a more mature, loving, responsible version of myself.
Hating your life is a sign something is not working. If you're unsure what that is, go inward. If you don't know where to start, think about the very next step. That's all you need to do. You're never locked in where you're at now forever. Don't know what you want to do for a career? Switch gears and do a completely different job. There is no timeline. You can literally do whatever you want. When I was doing a lot of the stressful inner work, I worked at animal shelters because I needed something so low stress. And I was mid 20's!!! No career goals in sight!!! Not even anywhere in my brain!!! If you're straight up hating something that is taking up most of your time... just quit it. Life is too short.
Success to me is ease and grace. I want a peaceful, joyful life (most of the time). Sometimes to figure out what you need to do, you gotta take a giant step back. Or a step to the left. Or take a big roundabout. Or maybe a quest needs to be taken...
Dec 4, 2024
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I allow myself to move through ny life at breakneck speed in order to get to the next “thing”— whether thats a job, life stage, relationship, goal, etc.. i have been doing this since I was 15. It wasn’t until this last summer/fall that I stopped to look around at the life I had built and fully feel everything! I enrolled in a grad program 2 years ago, at the encouragement of my partner, and this past fall I really started to see myself in this career. I feel energized by my work and research, I feel cared for by my department. I feel like a fulfilling career is awaiting me, yet I am taking the time to feel settled in my current service job and internship, careful not to rush past the mundanity and sweetness of my life now. I have everything ahead of me, truly what is my hurry?
Feb 19, 2025
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5d ago
I got my nails done and I realized the star on the index finger makes the nails PI themed. Semi unconscious yet a soft-smile realization while the nail tech was painting the star on.
Dec 18, 2024
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Bring back being genuine about your suffering on the internet. was that ever really a thing? is tumblr just a social anecdote to a form of media we thought / wished we had?
*^ little miss avoidant. or maybe indirect? dw folks it was amicable! he has a heart of gold! which makes me even more miserable…
#gointhruthemotions #humanbeingbehaviour
Apr 6, 2025