♥️
i had a conversation with my current squeeze about vday plans and i was incredibly nervous.
we aren’t “official”, however both of us have not engaged in any other stuff with other people since we met.
even in this situation, and from past experiences i didn't want to impose so much on him, and create an expectation that we needed to celebrate since we aren’t technically a couple. also he has a weird work schedule and fridays is his day to prepare for long shifts during the weekend.
i told him we can do something the day before, but that i would like to celebrate the morning of vday with him before i get to work and he goes back home. luckily he agreed to it.
this is to say, im willing to wait a bit longer. but i am curious how long he will wait. he got out of a long term relationship a month before we met. i want to give him some time. but i am kinda on a clock as well. despite that, i am still having great times with him 💗
also, i feel uncomfortable saying “boyfriend“, so im using other terms like “flame”, “squeeze”, “paramour”, etc. and honestly i like that better than the other stuff 😂
Feb 1, 2025
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This is the photo that I stare at longingly as we talk on the phone. I miss him terribly right now.
We met outside of a funny little bar (Avant-Garde in Ottawa) during a break in sets where everyone was smoking outside. I actually came to see his friend’s band but he and his friends were absolutely tearing up the dance floor. I decided to go up and talk to the cute ginger boy (lover boy, Cam) and the goofy guy from the band (Noah) and they told me about a DJ set Noah was doing the next Friday. Cam never got my number so I had to go, obviously. He finally got my instagram (make better choices, ask for their number) that night and I dmed him and asked what he was doing the next day - he was going to read on his balcony. I’d learn later that this man is a very avid reader (love). I asked to join and that was our first date! He’s the first person to ever cook for me, and he even set me up on a chair and with a baguette with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. We dated for the rest of the summer, about two months, then I went back to school in a different city and we parted ways.
He thought we’d never talk again but I hit him up whenever I came back to town and even asked if he’d like to spend a couple of days cooped up when I was back on winter break. He said yes and we drank wine and watched good movies and ate grapefruits. That weekend together brought us really close.
I wasn’t in Ottawa the next summer but I did spend two weeks completely alone in Kakabeka Falls between forestry contracts in Northern Ontario. Those weeks I called him most days for hours despite us not having really talked in months.
Then I came back to Ottawa for an internship this September. I’ve always been really weird about relationships, so I told him I just wanted to be friends. So we were, but also we would *platonically* share the twin bed I had at the time when it was late and I didn’t want him to spend exorbitant amounts of money getting home.
He actually told me he wanted to be with me in October, but I was scared and said he wasn’t what I wanted. We stayed friends.
December 21st I wanted to go see my favourite local band (Baby Richman) back at Avant-Garde. They have a super psychadelic sound and one of my roommates gave me shrooms to take. I was supposed to go with my other roommate, but she cancelled last minute. Not wanting to lightly trip alone in public, I invited Cam. The night was great, but when the music ended I didn’t want to stay out. I wanted to lie in my soft bed, feel my soft cotton pyjamas, and look up at my twinkly lights. Lying on my bed with Cam, we talked for hours. I cried at how beautifully he described his family’s Christmas traditions. That night I realized just how much I want to be an integral part of his life. We were a year and a half in the making.
He is wonderful. He’s funny, incredibly smart, and inspires me to improve every day. He also always stuck around, despite many efforts to push something so good away. I am so lucky to be reunited with him in July.
May 26, 2025
👨
i was raised in a highly religious household where i was taught that dating was for marriage. middle school romances, then, were frowned upon and seen as fickle because they “just lead to unnecessary heartbreak“. as fucked up as this logic was, it made sense to me at the time and little me became an expert at suppressing any and all romantic urges, knowing that one day, when i was old enough, my time would come. brainwashing runs deep though, and this sense of being too young for a serious relationship never left me.
time passes, and one day i find myself at 18 years old sitting in the most romantic gazebo in a forest with this girl i felt i really liked at the time. i tell her how much i like her. she says she feels the same. my heart is pounding like never before. yet, terrified of commitment, feeling ashamed of having feelings, and having the sense that im going to have to marry this girl if things went any further, the moment came and went and we never kissed.
we end up moving away from each other. i spend my next years at college feeling heartbroken but also wracking my brain over why things never truly felt right with her. i do shrooms, my religiosity unravels, and i finally accept that im gay. internal crises ensue and i spend a good couple years “doing they work”, as they say.
flash forward to 23. i‘ve moved to the city and have my own apartment. i’ve just come out two months prior. i decide i want to start dating (big because i had never actually dated anyone, esp men). i meet someone online and we go out a few times. i’m absolutely charmed and he tells me how bad he wants to kiss me but i have to decline because i still feel like i barely know him and i don’t want to regret it. i explain my lore to give reason for my apprehension. like, the stakes are now HIGH - my brain is way too developed at this point for me to waste my first kiss on just anyone.
one evening shortly after, we’re chatting on the couch in my apartment and that pre-kiss feeling is in the air. he asks again if he can kiss me and i say yes. he leans in, does the deed, i kiss back, and we make out for close to three hours (needed to make up for 23 years of nothing). one of the best nights of my life. it took years of self-work and un-conditioning to get to that place in my life where i could experience/enjoy a moment like that and im so proud of myself for it<3
epilogue: we continued to go out but ended up doing the whole anxious/avoidant situationship dance which nearly destroyed me in the end (i still think about him every day). but we had some good times lol
Oct 17, 2024
❤️
we have gotten to the stage of talking about very TMI things casually and not feeling embarrassed. what a time 😂
but it looks like im getting a job offer soon and once again our schedules won’t line up so well. next week is possibly my last week unemployed and we‘re going strawberry picking.
May 18, 2025
Top Recs from @chiawase_
idk how i came across this in my daily wikipedia surfs, but something about this painting just amuses me so much.
my first impression was this looks fairly modern in a way, possibly because of the composition and how she made her features so light and bouncy. it oddly made me think of disney when i looked for longer. then i see it was made in 1909 😂
this painting can transcend times and i wouldn’t truly know when it was made unless i looked more closely at the objects around the subject. but even that can be a stretch as vintage items can be popular amongst anyone and they can just have their vanity setup look like this.
i tried looking for photographs of her online but alas nothing came up with certainty.
Apr 27, 2025
Feb 10, 2025
🤸
when you’re bored, ever just get the urge to take a walk, do yoga, or work out in some other way?
May 3, 2025