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the best and the most thoughtful gift is a yearly brain scan subscription bc how personalized can it get more than that, I wanna see the colors in my brain I wanna see the yearly changes I wanna analize and recap my year and compare the things I did in my life that led my brain activities to increase or decrease, I wanna see the emotions the shrinkage the rotting the fireworks in my brain, maybe it's bc my need to get diagnosed and be understood or that I've been looking at brain images and psychological disorders and medicines since I was 11 in hopes of proving that I'm not crazy or maybe it's bc I wanna prove that I'm not a pretentious and I'm actually a "genius"(!) but is it so bad that I want a brain scan? is it really pretentious? do I have to commit a crime or be locked up in a mental hospital to get a brain scan, why can't I just be curious about it, people ask for their x-ray photos for fun why can't I wanna see the colors in my brain I wanna know if I still have hope, if I'm still human despite all, if I still have empathy or true love, I wanna document and know everything and the biggest mystery for me is my brain and if other people can relate to me, if my doctor will say that there are people like me so that I would feel hope that maybe I can find my true friends or my soulmate one day that has the same brain as me, it's not that I want a doctor to look at my scan and say wow ur so rare no I'm not that much of a pretentious snob, I wish I could have documented my brains development while I was a teenager, I wanna be a test subject for pyshcologists just like how people want to be muses for musicians or painters
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anyone here a brain dr? i need to see the size of my amygdala i just KNOW its small as hell
Feb 3, 2024
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this might be the most raw thing to date i've posted on here but i need to vent and i can't figure out where else besides my silly little blog to do it, so consider this a ramble warning of sorts.
i'm someone who's somehow obsessed with outcomes and numbers and grades and whatever number my brain dictates "success", but i'm also someone who is often physically incapable of working on something that doesn't interest me, no matter how easy it should be. a gp appointment i'm supposed to have at least yearly for an important medical condition that would take five minutes to book? i procrastinate for four years because it falls into the kind of paperwork-admin task i hate most. a simple piece of 10 minute paperwork that would resolve my (significant) stresses around finances altogether once submitted? seven months to complete. it's not a level of procrastination that i can even joke about or find funny. it's this inability to work on simple tasks that's so intense it makes me feel ill. my uni gives me the ability to request flexible deadlines so i can get extensions on assignments, but it doesn't help - it just pushes the deadline back further and i will procrastinate on it for longer.
i hate getting bad grades, i hate late penalties, but that hatred only sets in once i get the grade - i physically cannot make myself care about it while i'm trying to finish it before submission if it doesn't interest me. i try and take only the modules i like the most but there aren't enough of them. i hate it so much because being unable to make myelf care about assignments while simultaneously obsessing so much over success when it comes to the results just means i'm disappointed every time. i've tried literally everything to motivate myself - genuinely everything under the sun - and i cannot make myself care. i feel like i'm losing my mind. i've contacted everyone, every possible department and support group and whatever i can think of for help and it's all been useless. it doesn't matter that i already have a diagnosis for a heavily comorbid condition; two years later and no matter how closely all of my symptoms match the diagnosis i know i have, i keep getting rejected for any further help. and no matter what help i request for the diagnosis i already have, i'm never given any of it. because i'm not nonverbal and seem vaguely like i can cope on my own, it's sink or swim. i've been referrred to nonexistent phonelines, nonexistent emails, random blogs - the medical system i'm supposed to rely on genuinely doesn't care. i feel like i'm going insane. i know this stuff is genetic and even though it's not his fault, i see my own patterns in my dad and it disgusts me. i hate this. i hate it so much.
Mar 29, 2025
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Sometimes a thought pops up in my brain:
Am I bipolar, or just a girl who doesn’t know how to deal with her feelings?
One moment I am having the best time ever and just like that my mind fills up with my deepest and worst memories/thoughts. I guess something just triggers a part of my brain that has those memories but its just weird.
Its like a panic attack but just affecting my mood. And I am a person who can’t really hide how they are from the outside so I just ruin everything for everyone;(
It is just so draining to always be on the edge of happiness. Whenever I am happy I feel like I am just waiting for the second I will feel bad. There is just no stability just the constant wait until I’ll feel depressed again.
And don’t worry I just took the first step of getting myself a therapist 🫡 (this was really hard for me idk why)
Aug 31, 2024
