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this might be the most raw thing to date i've posted on here but i need to vent and i can't figure out where else besides my silly little blog to do it, so consider this a ramble warning of sorts.
i'm someone who's somehow obsessed with outcomes and numbers and grades and whatever number my brain dictates "success", but i'm also someone who is often physically incapable of working on something that doesn't interest me, no matter how easy it should be. a gp appointment i'm supposed to have at least yearly for an important medical condition that would take five minutes to book? i procrastinate for four years because it falls into the kind of paperwork-admin task i hate most. a simple piece of 10 minute paperwork that would resolve my (significant) stresses around finances altogether once submitted? seven months to complete. it's not a level of procrastination that i can even joke about or find funny. it's this inability to work on simple tasks that's so intense it makes me feel ill. my uni gives me the ability to request flexible deadlines so i can get extensions on assignments, but it doesn't help - it just pushes the deadline back further and i will procrastinate on it for longer.
i hate getting bad grades, i hate late penalties, but that hatred only sets in once i get the grade - i physically cannot make myself care about it while i'm trying to finish it before submission if it doesn't interest me. i try and take only the modules i like the most but there aren't enough of them. i hate it so much because being unable to make myelf care about assignments while simultaneously obsessing so much over success when it comes to the results just means i'm disappointed every time. i've tried literally everything to motivate myself - genuinely everything under the sun - and i cannot make myself care. i feel like i'm losing my mind. i've contacted everyone, every possible department and support group and whatever i can think of for help and it's all been useless. it doesn't matter that i already have a diagnosis for a heavily comorbid condition; two years later and no matter how closely all of my symptoms match the diagnosis i know i have, i keep getting rejected for any further help. and no matter what help i request for the diagnosis i already have, i'm never given any of it. because i'm not nonverbal and seem vaguely like i can cope on my own, it's sink or swim. i've been referrred to nonexistent phonelines, nonexistent emails, random blogs - the medical system i'm supposed to rely on genuinely doesn't care. i feel like i'm going insane. i know this stuff is genetic and even though it's not his fault, i see my own patterns in my dad and it disgusts me. i hate this. i hate it so much.
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Sometimes a thought pops up in my brain:
Am I bipolar, or just a girl who doesn’t know how to deal with her feelings?
One moment I am having the best time ever and just like that my mind fills up with my deepest and worst memories/thoughts. I guess something just triggers a part of my brain that has those memories but its just weird.
Its like a panic attack but just affecting my mood. And I am a person who can’t really hide how they are from the outside so I just ruin everything for everyone;(
It is just so draining to always be on the edge of happiness. Whenever I am happy I feel like I am just waiting for the second I will feel bad. There is just no stability just the constant wait until I’ll feel depressed again.
And don’t worry I just took the first step of getting myself a therapist 🫡 (this was really hard for me idk why)
Aug 31, 2024
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the worst part of being conscious about my feelings is that i am aware of everything and i wish i was strong enough to change some things inside my mind and my heart please god but i’m not (yet)
Jun 5, 2024
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For whatever reasons the various psychiatrists that have treated me will give, I was a reclusive child, especially when it came to my emotions. I kept parts of myself hidden from certain people, always a different kid to everyone I met. I kept this up through my adulthood and now I'm realizing how much it's barring me from experiencing my relationships deeply. I protect parts of myself, uncomfortable with their coming out in situations I'd typically hide them in. I am too good at code switching and it gets confusing figuring out when I am being truly myself around friends and family. I am trying to learn where I can crack little holes into the walls I have carved around the many parts of myself; learn to make them all coexist a bit better so I can let myself be loved wholly, not only in parts.
Oct 16, 2024
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i've been really into the idea of taking myself on little solo dates and being generally kinder to myself lately, i think i've been happier with myself recently than i have ever been (the joys of growing up, i guess). and the realisation that i have real adult money and free will and can spend it on whatever is fun! i've been going to more concerts and on little trips and i saw that this one comedy duo i've been seeing a lot on social media were doing a live recording of their podcast in glasgow later this month, and i booked a ticket! planning on taking the day to do a little walking tour of the city, check out a doughnut place someone recommended to me, find a cool looking bar and order myself a pretty cocktail and head to the show - just really make a day of it :)
i don't know, i guess i've been really leaning into the idea that of all the people in my life, i am the one i'll have to spend the most time with, and i've been learning to have more fun hanging out with myself, and i feel like i'm coming into my own a little which just makes me so happy <3 hang out with yourself more! life is short man
Mar 18, 2025
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i've been doing little things to make my life a little easier, like leaving a bottle of water, iron supplements and some belvita soft bakes right by my bed so i always have breakfast, water and iron in the morning, and keeping a very condensed set of skincare stuff right by my toothbrush - it might not be as effective as having more but getting myself to use a cleanser, moisturising sunscreen and vaseline every day has already made my skin feel so much better which has just gotten me more excited to do my routine every day. plus, getting body sprays and haircare stuff and just products in general that you really like the smell of is a game changer because now i get to smell like pineapples and caramel every day! it's such little things but it makes me happy and keeps me doing a routine of things that are good for me :))
Jan 30, 2025
i love wearing clothes with fun colours and comfy textures, i feel like it just makes you so much happier walking past mirrors! i got this handmade chunky rainbow sweater with this lovely criss-cross decorative stitching on the outside that makes it look fun and patchworked, and something about the colours just makes me so happy! same with dungarees, i can't believe i only recently picked up a pair because they really do make you feel like the plucky main characters from the books we read at age eleven ( ˶ˆᗜˆ˵ )~✩‧₊
Jan 9, 2025