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For whatever reasons the various psychiatrists that have treated me will give, I was a reclusive child, especially when it came to my emotions. I kept parts of myself hidden from certain people, always a different kid to everyone I met. I kept this up through my adulthood and now I'm realizing how much it's barring me from experiencing my relationships deeply. I protect parts of myself, uncomfortable with their coming out in situations I'd typically hide them in. I am too good at code switching and it gets confusing figuring out when I am being truly myself around friends and family. I am trying to learn where I can crack little holes into the walls I have carved around the many parts of myself; learn to make them all coexist a bit better so I can let myself be loved wholly, not only in parts.
Oct 16, 2024
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Sometimes a thought pops up in my brain:
Am I bipolar, or just a girl who doesn’t know how to deal with her feelings?
One moment I am having the best time ever and just like that my mind fills up with my deepest and worst memories/thoughts. I guess something just triggers a part of my brain that has those memories but its just weird.
Its like a panic attack but just affecting my mood. And I am a person who can’t really hide how they are from the outside so I just ruin everything for everyone;(
It is just so draining to always be on the edge of happiness. Whenever I am happy I feel like I am just waiting for the second I will feel bad. There is just no stability just the constant wait until I’ll feel depressed again.
And don’t worry I just took the first step of getting myself a therapist 🫡 (this was really hard for me idk why)
Aug 31, 2024
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this might be the most raw thing to date i've posted on here but i need to vent and i can't figure out where else besides my silly little blog to do it, so consider this a ramble warning of sorts.
i'm someone who's somehow obsessed with outcomes and numbers and grades and whatever number my brain dictates "success", but i'm also someone who is often physically incapable of working on something that doesn't interest me, no matter how easy it should be. a gp appointment i'm supposed to have at least yearly for an important medical condition that would take five minutes to book? i procrastinate for four years because it falls into the kind of paperwork-admin task i hate most. a simple piece of 10 minute paperwork that would resolve my (significant) stresses around finances altogether once submitted? seven months to complete. it's not a level of procrastination that i can even joke about or find funny. it's this inability to work on simple tasks that's so intense it makes me feel ill. my uni gives me the ability to request flexible deadlines so i can get extensions on assignments, but it doesn't help - it just pushes the deadline back further and i will procrastinate on it for longer.
i hate getting bad grades, i hate late penalties, but that hatred only sets in once i get the grade - i physically cannot make myself care about it while i'm trying to finish it before submission if it doesn't interest me. i try and take only the modules i like the most but there aren't enough of them. i hate it so much because being unable to make myelf care about assignments while simultaneously obsessing so much over success when it comes to the results just means i'm disappointed every time. i've tried literally everything to motivate myself - genuinely everything under the sun - and i cannot make myself care. i feel like i'm losing my mind. i've contacted everyone, every possible department and support group and whatever i can think of for help and it's all been useless. it doesn't matter that i already have a diagnosis for a heavily comorbid condition; two years later and no matter how closely all of my symptoms match the diagnosis i know i have, i keep getting rejected for any further help. and no matter what help i request for the diagnosis i already have, i'm never given any of it. because i'm not nonverbal and seem vaguely like i can cope on my own, it's sink or swim. i've been referrred to nonexistent phonelines, nonexistent emails, random blogs - the medical system i'm supposed to rely on genuinely doesn't care. i feel like i'm going insane. i know this stuff is genetic and even though it's not his fault, i see my own patterns in my dad and it disgusts me. i hate this. i hate it so much.
Mar 29, 2025
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I am pretty certain that I am with the person I'm going to marry. We've been through so much together and no one in the world has ever known me as intimately as he does. My soul is crystal clear to him. And he loves me.
Most importantly, he is always ready to learn even more about me and to evolve with me and to make space for me in his life, in his habits, and in his behaviour.
I love him so much. I'm so lucky. I hope I find him in all my other lives. I hope we're together until the end of time.
Nov 29, 2024
My baby son makes my life so beautiful. Unbelievable luck that we live in the world where we have befriended cats and that they can trust us and would seem so overjoyed to see us come home. This little guy's in my home and I am in his.
Nov 30, 2024
But I call him poopie, monkey, pukicho, angel bear, or munino.
Feb 14, 2025