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the concept of time can be comforting, but also scary at the same time. it’s a comfort, knowing that your wounds would slowly close itself up as time passes by. but it’s also scary, that when you think about it, we really are only insignificant beings, in the face of time.
it is both scary and comforting, when i realized how easy it is to move on from the past. people that you once thought couldn’t live without, suddenly become a supporting character in one of your chapters of life. the name that you swore would never forget, suddenly becomes “that one friend that i had back in high school.”
and what’s even scarier, is that, sometimes it is beyond our control. time just… took them away from us without our consent. names, places, memories. and most of the time, we wouldn’t even feel the loss and grief that should’ve come with losing them.
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Sometimes it just pops out of nowhere, sometimes it’s just a passing memory and sometimes out of the blue I feel the weight of what happened. I had a best friend, a person with which I connected in a way I never did with anyone. She moved out of the city and with that she stopped any communication with me. I miss her. I miss her so much. I feel like I must have fucked up big time for this to be happening. In our last call I told her I was worried we would lose contact with the distance and she told me it would never happen. I believed her. It’s a weird sadness; most of the time I can see clearly that more than try to text her I cannot do much and I’m angry or confused about the situation but it passes, I go by my day. But sometimes this wave of sadness arrives and I remember how she made me laugh, how she looked at me, the day we actually talked like friends for the first time and then it hits me that we might have spoken for the last time. how could that be? I still believe her. One day she’ll call me and my memories of today will fade and get replaced by others of us together.
I should have called her more, told her more times how I loved her, how she was beautiful, we should have gone to more concerts together, we should have said yes to that dude who wanted to interview us for a tiktok. We should have when there still was a we.
One day talking about relationships, I mentioned how incapable I am at letting go and how sometimes I start to resent the person I can’t let go for the things we do to each other. So maybe it’s all for the best, maybe I’m being spared, maybe it will save our memories from being tainted, maybe that‘s all the time meant for us. I don’t know but I wish I did.
Jan 18, 2025
✍️
no one talks about the unannounced death of a version of you when you move countries. sometimes i can’t control the grief i have for the 8 year old me and the wish to have stayed with her a little longer. having to move is surely a blessing as it opens space for new experiences and people to enter your life. however, when you're a child, everything moves fast and there's little time to reflect because of all the naivety and constant learning. you don't understand the consequences of not spending enough time with your grandmother or how convenient it was to make or even keep friends.
it's one thing to move before you gain consciousness. it's another thing to move when you do gain consciousness, but don't exactly know what's going on.
maybe this isn't about moving. maybe this is about growing up or maybe it's about both.
Jan 16, 2025
🪦
it's good to miss people. the ones i never said i loved enough, but they knew, the people i couldn't save, didn't get close enough to, got too close to, my high school academic team coach, those who raised me. i dont really think about the people ive lost until im alone because im supposed to appreciate what i do have, love my friends who are alive, not bring down the mood by bringing up their dead parents, but luckily sometimes before bed those people still pay me a visit, say hi, they're keeping an eye on me, telling me not to join them just yet
Feb 20, 2025
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i have always known this. that people come and go. but it was only recently that this statement really… struck me. i guess that no matter how much you want people to stay in your life, sometimes it‘s just inevitable. though it was hard at first to let go of ‘your person’, i also realized that relationships are maintained by more than just one person.
so no matter how much you want to keep those people in your life, to save the relationship and connection that you have, at the end of the day, they also have a say in what they feel and what they want. and if what they want is to be out of your life, then the best thing that you could do is to accept and respect that.
it’s the best thing that you could do. not only for them, but also for you.
Dec 31, 2024
🫶
nothing beats the aftermath feeling of hanging out with your homies that you haven’t seen for a long while, knowing that you had a well spent day with the right people.
my heart is full.
Jan 3, 2025
🎸
just turned 23 today!
i feel like you always got these existential crisis in your early twenties. (or is that just me?)
but the number 23 is particularly such a strange age.
you feel confused about in which end of the spectrum that you fell in. you are no longer considered to be a teen, but you also don’t have much of a responsibility to be called an adult just yet. you’re an in-between.
i guess i can relate to when mark hoppus sang what’s my age again, which legit sums up the whole confusion in being the age of 23. of still feeling like you’re not an adult just yet, but also forced to act your age.
peter pan complex really does exist huh?
Jan 1, 2025