šŖ
Sometimes it just pops out of nowhere, sometimes itās just a passing memory and sometimes out of the blue I feel the weight of what happened. I had a best friend, a person with which I connected in a way I never did with anyone. She moved out of the city and with that she stopped any communication with me. I miss her. I miss her so much. I feel like I must have fucked up big time for this to be happening. In our last call I told her I was worried we would lose contact with the distance and she told me it would never happen. I believed her. Itās a weird sadness; most of the time I can see clearly that more than try to text her I cannot do much and Iām angry or confused about the situation but it passes, I go by my day. But sometimes this wave of sadness arrives and I remember how she made me laugh, how she looked at me, the day we actually talked like friends for the first time and then it hits me that we might have spoken for the last time. how could that be? I still believe her. One day sheāll call me and my memories of today will fade and get replaced by others of us together.
I should have called her more, told her more times how I loved her, how she was beautiful, we should have gone to more concerts together, we should have said yes to that dude who wanted to interview us for a tiktok. We should have when there still was a we.
One day talking about relationships, I mentioned how incapable I am at letting go and how sometimes I start to resent the person I canāt let go for the things we do to each other. So maybe itās all for the best, maybe Iām being spared, maybe it will save our memories from being tainted, maybe thatās all the time meant for us. I donāt know but I wish I did.
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šÆ
This is a little long winded and personal. Please forgive me.
It's been exactly one year since my great aunt passed away - she was a pillar of the family, a very intelligent and witty woman whom we all loved. She used to cut out stories from the newspaper/ magazines and mail them to me while I lived away, and she had the most incredible handwriting Iāve ever seen. She was, to use one of her favorite things to call me, a āreal mensch.ā
Less than 48 hours after that, I got broken up with. We had been dating for almost two years. It was the healthiest relationship I had ever been in. Yet, we were laying in my teenage bedroom at my parents house, and she was crying. All I remember is thinking to myself āFIGHT for her you DUMB MOTHERFUCKER, you CANāT lose another womanā - but I didnāt. I was scared. And just like that, the best year of my life came crashing down in spectacular fashion.
Two extremely hard hits at once.
I had to keep moving forward. I didnāt see any alternative. And as a result, I sank into what I can only describe as my own death spiral. Lots of cigs, lots of booze, lots of work, all to drown out the voices in my head telling me āmaybe this isnāt a good idea.ā
I didnāt allow myself to MOURN then. To feel sad, to feel loss, and to work it out constructively and communally. Now, a year later, Iām finally allowing myself to feel those emotions about both of those things. Finally crawling out of that death spiral. Mourning isnāt weakness, nor is grief.
Justā¦if you havenāt properly mourned something, anything, I recommend allowing yourself to. Keeping something like that inside, no matter how compartmentalized it may be, is a bad idea.
Mar 8, 2025
š°
the concept of time can be comforting, but also scary at the same time. itās a comfort, knowing that your wounds would slowly close itself up as time passes by. but itās also scary, that when you think about it, we really are only insignificant beings, in the face of time.
it is both scary and comforting, when i realized how easy it is to move on from the past. people that you once thought couldnāt live without, suddenly become a supporting character in one of your chapters of life. the name that you swore would never forget, suddenly becomes āthat one friend that i had back in high school.ā
and whatās even scarier, is that, sometimes it is beyond our control. time justā¦ took them away from us without our consent. names, places, memories. and most of the time, we wouldnāt even feel the loss and grief that shouldāve come with losing them.
Jan 11, 2025
the other day i went out to an unfinished nuclear plant with some old highschool friends. we cut a hole in the fence and ran to one of the massive, truly massive cooling towers. it was terrifyingly big, like really, seriously, huge. it was my third time there and definitely had not lost any of its effect on me. the four of us stood underneath it for a good forty minutes. looking up through the top to see the last touch of sunset resting on the rim, and later planets. we stood there for long stretches of silence until someone would shift their weight and the crunch of a couple pebbles underfoot would echo so loud and clear we could all hear it.
we sang there in the echo beneath the tower until it was totally dark.
later, in the front seat of my best friendās car as we played american football i cried. i donāt think anyone noticed, i think they were busy with whatever they were thinking about. i cried because of how long i had gone wanting this feeling. that i hadnāt seen these old friends in months and had been struggling to meet anyone i felt could be the kind of people i wanted to really love like i did my friends from highschool.
i want people to love so badly, to go to a sketchy abandoned nuclear plant and watch the sunset and sing together. we forget how long it takes to make friends like that i guess. itās only been one semester, and i shouldnāt let that be me down.
i love you all so much :)
Jan 29, 2025
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It pains me to be here. It pains me to have become this person. It pains me to know Iāve spent all of my life chasing something that was never meant for me, knowing Iāve wasted twenty two years of my life for this. Oh honey you deserve it. Thatās all I hear because so many people warned me, so many didnāt believe I was good enough and I made it my life mission to prove them wrong. My high school friends never thought I would enter medical school, my science teacher in high school told me the first day to quit. And I proved them wrong I guess but what is left of me. All my life I needed to be good enough to justify all that my parents gave up for me, to justify all that I sacrificed. All my life I needed to be good enough to deserve love. I constructed all my life around the idea of being perfect for others to regret their words or for others to think I was worth loving, existing. So iām here now with nothing that is mine, without goals that werenāt first my parentsā, without love for myself that wasnāt first validation from strangers.Ā
Now I see people making a life for themselves. People who seemed so far behind me once upon a time, built a life for themselves without misery. They grew up while I was stuck here, miserable just like when I was a sixteen. What happened?Ā
What do I do now? I feel so fragile, so aimless, so spoiled, so ruined. All I ever did was being a good student. I am an adult now and itās not enough anymore, I cannot hide behind books anymore. And when I took a breath I was left behind, cannot start again because if I donāt have the admiration of other people what do I have? Once I might have loved medicine.
But I donāt have it in me, the vocation to be a doctor and, after realising it, I stayed anyways. How I can come back from that? I donāt know how to begin again from nothing. All I know is Iām unhappy here, Iām unhappy with the person Iāve become. All I know is that Iām searching for the courage to disappoint myself.
I hope my mother can forgive me, didnāt make her proud
Mar 29, 2025
šø
one of my old faves, back in high school I was really angry and this song channeled all that frustration
Jan 14, 2025
šŗ
I have many favourites (I wasnāt an ipad kid I was a tv kid) and I know they are not exactly the most prestigious tv shows but they are always meaningful, at least to me lol.
Raising Hope
Please like me
Buffy the vampire slayer
Donāt trust the b- in apartment 23
Jan 21, 2025