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It pains me to be here. It pains me to have become this person. It pains me to know I’ve spent all of my life chasing something that was never meant for me, knowing I’ve wasted twenty two years of my life for this. Oh honey you deserve it. That’s all I hear because so many people warned me, so many didn’t believe I was good enough and I made it my life mission to prove them wrong. My high school friends never thought I would enter medical school, my science teacher in high school told me the first day to quit. And I proved them wrong I guess but what is left of me. All my life I needed to be good enough to justify all that my parents gave up for me, to justify all that I sacrificed. All my life I needed to be good enough to deserve love. I constructed all my life around the idea of being perfect for others to regret their words or for others to think I was worth loving, existing. So i’m here now with nothing that is mine, without goals that weren’t first my parents’, without love for myself that wasn’t first validation from strangers.
Now I see people making a life for themselves. People who seemed so far behind me once upon a time, built a life for themselves without misery. They grew up while I was stuck here, miserable just like when I was a sixteen. What happened?
What do I do now? I feel so fragile, so aimless, so spoiled, so ruined. All I ever did was being a good student. I am an adult now and it’s not enough anymore, I cannot hide behind books anymore. And when I took a breath I was left behind, cannot start again because if I don’t have the admiration of other people what do I have? Once I might have loved medicine.
But I don’t have it in me, the vocation to be a doctor and, after realising it, I stayed anyways. How I can come back from that? I don’t know how to begin again from nothing. All I know is I’m unhappy here, I’m unhappy with the person I’ve become. All I know is that I’m searching for the courage to disappoint myself.
I hope my mother can forgive me, didn’t make her proud
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just dropped out of university about a month ago and also completely overwhelmed by the same anxieties. but i ultimately know i’ve done the right thing for myself and my happiness and im trying to remember how exciting this is !! not a clue what im gonna do with myself but i think the only way to get through it is to embrace the unknown - ur never going to be as free as u are now. wishing u the best of luck, just remember you’re going to be okay !
@444RUBY it helps to know i‘m not alone thank you. we are definitely gonna be okay but I needed an emo moment to clear my mind. I hope everything goes your way girl.
Knowing something isn’t for you has courage and power in itself. You might feel aimless but this feeling is pointing you to a direction. You may not know where it leads now but you will in time. You may be disappointing people with your decision but you can come out feeling more alive in the end. You got this !! <3
@VALOORIE thank you. your words hit hard since I’ve been trying to really listen to my intuition. for years I didn’t know why I was so unhappy and I realised it’s because many times I‘ve let other people convince me to stay in wrong places thanks to trust in myself
sounds like a crisis of meaning, which is tough, but you’ll come out the other end with something more authentic and rewarding to pursue
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"disclaimer I mention drOg use but in one sentence"
I am so restless.
I am infuriated at the person that I have become because of him. That he was and is still able to have an effect on me. That he is still building our life without me.
That he can move on feeling like a good person. Or what I am assuming. Even more power to him I guess.
But, when I really think about it, I never wanted that life. I don’t want to be in a house in the woods with him, miles away from anything or anyone I’ve known. And the status of legality involved is not my favorite when it comes to thoughts of building a future. I am sitting here, in my parents house, my childhood house, in my old room typing this because I am filled with anxiety. I want to let him go. I will.
I have a bad association with almost everything I enjoy because of him. I’ve been told by my sister, who is one of the most badass people I know; that I will miss him the most when I feel like shit. She is right. When I stop focusing on what I am doing, and let my thoughts drift to him, I physically start to shake. I start to doubt myself again.
I haven’t had stability in 4 years. I have been ignoring myself, my family, and the few friends I was able to make in times where I had left him. I want to take accountability; to apologize to every person I’ve talked to in the past year specifically.
I know that this will be a change, that 4 years with one other person the entire time isn’t going go away anytime soon. The mannerisms, the though processes.
I know I need to go to therapy.
He definitely taught me a lot. I know that he has made me a stronger person in odd ways. I learned more about being an “actual” adult in the emotional sense. Learned that there are a lot of things I haven’t ever thought about in good and bad ways.
That there is so much to life to love.
Funny enough that life will pass by without you noticing it.
He put me in dangerous situations, around people who wouldn’t have a second thought about our safety, isolated me from my family. Very, very toxic. I realize in moments that of course he didn’t care, why would I expect him too? Would pass judgments on everything in the world, including women around. I know way too much about his ex girlfriends. I could give example after example of his behavior but I have yelled and screamed about if for the past month to him and I am tired.
I left him for the month of December, and went back because he had sweet talked me, made me feel heard and understood in what I wanted from him. And I found out he had already slept with another girl and wanted no one to have access to him vice versa. Not my smartest move. I blacked out most of January due to recent physical health issues caused by stress, painkillers, marijuana, alcohol, and a miscarriage. We fought most of February, and I was silent most of march until the end.
i started this because I was so anxious and I wasn’t acknowledging why. I forget how much I’ve been through. Definitely not as bad as some people’s situation.
And I just got a call from my little sister which reminded me, that I have so much to be grateful for.
The anxiety comes in waves, I know its because i currently can’t remember most of my past. I don’t know what to do with all the memories. But I think this is a good start.
Day by day I am told. if you read this thank you its my anxiety vomit.
Apr 6, 2025
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I’ve always had this fascination to emotion as a concept. Of course because everyone feels it every day of their life, but more of how encapsulating it can be. I watch films and hear stories and listen to songs and I come to find myself jealous?
Jealous of how pure and raw others experiences are. Why can’t I feel the agony of losing someone, why can’t I feel the devastation of a death, why can’t I lose a friend. It sounds so starkly idiotic because why would anyone want to feel such devastating things, and I’ve asked myself this a lot, part of me thinks it’ll draw more stories to tell in my life, but I think the truth of the matter is that to live is to feel. And I really want to live my life for all that it can bring me.
I write all this not to distract myself from the reality that I have in fact felt such great pain in my life. However, I always lust for more. This also feels like such a blatant explanation for my love of movies, I always feel so drawn into my love for film for it’s ability to snatch my mind away from my life and place it into another’s. My favourite films are those that have made me cry, because as painful as it is I just can’t help but love it. My favourite film is common knowledge but Call Me by Your Name draws me into such a chokehold each time I watch it because of the devastation I feel upon every watch. I never rewatch films but with it I can’t help it, because it always and forever will make me catatonic.
Anyways, I am leaving my point, my point is I am currently in a swarm of emotions from my own life and it is everything I have prayed and asked for while also not being it at all. I feel such an irresistible compulsion to break down and cry, and then I do, but I find myself listening to music and reading texts that only encourage and swell the emotional climax of these tears. In moments where I find myself urged to move on for the betterment of my day, all I can help but think about is someone I care so deeply for moving away. However, is it immature to want to move on? Why must I shun myself from these emotions. After all despite how painful it is, I find myself searching for this pain again and again.
Because to yearn is to be in pain, and to be in pain is to feel, and to feel is to live.
Mar 3, 2025
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transitionary periods are never easy, and i’m sorry you’re having to let go of so many things you’ve come to find comfort in, but not having an immediate sense of what to do next is not necessarily a bad thing. I had a similar phase of moving home after college, and it sucked for plenty of reasons, but it also gave me time and space to settle for a moment and reassess what my path was.
for a lot of people, it’s very easy to follow whatever momentum (career-wise or personal life-wise) they’ve been riding during undergrad and follow that to the next immediate opportunity, and a lot of people find contentment that way! but having an interruption to this sequence provides you with a unique opportunity to interrogate some assumptions you may have had about your future. is this career field really where you see yourself? is this city where you picture yourself settling? are you following the expectations imposed on you by others or are you following your own motivations and values? use this brief intermission to mourn what you are losing, but also to consider what you might build for yourself when freed from the necessity of following whatever path you have been on.
if you don’t like the situation you’re returning to, what would be a totally new scenario that would be better for you? envision that, and if the idea is compelling enough, pursue it. until you develop that vision, you may have to do some things to occupy yourself in the meantime that you may not find a lot of fulfillment in. maybe you find a part time job somewhere. whatever it is, if you come to dislike it all you’re doing is tuning your compass. use that to inform what you might prefer to do. but stay occupied! trying and making mistakes and learning is better than being idle.
during this process - and it will be a process, be patient with yourself - find ways to surround yourself with supportive community. maybe that’s your family, maybe it’s friends you’ve maintained in the place you’re returning to, maybe you seek out new community in hobbies you have, or you have cultural or religious communities you’re a part of, or you find friends in the workplace or a third social place. at the very least, they will provide you an escape from the stress of this period, but you could also develop relationships with people who can work though this life phase alongside you. what’s important, though, is that you create reasons to get out and interact with the world. you’re going to be dealing with a lot internally, and isolation can lead to spiraling. who knows, maybe you find a community that is better than what you have left, or maybe you find people who motivate you to pursue whatever you discover is next for you and see you off into the next chapter of your life.
basically, you’re gonna have to do some growth. like all growth, it’ll hurt sometimes, maybe a lot of the time, and you may have to leave certain things in the past that you weren’t ready to part with just yet, and it’s okay to recognize and process those losses. but so long as you don’t resign yourself to despair, and you find a support network that can bolster your spirit, you can come back stronger and more prepared to head down whichever path this process leads you to discover, and with more confidence and determination than the path you had been going down before. best of luck, friend. I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Jun 18, 2024
Top Recs from @sybille
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one of my old faves, back in high school I was really angry and this song channeled all that frustration
Jan 14, 2025
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I have many favourites (I wasn’t an ipad kid I was a tv kid) and I know they are not exactly the most prestigious tv shows but they are always meaningful, at least to me lol.
Raising Hope
Please like me
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Don’t trust the b- in apartment 23
Jan 21, 2025
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Finally booked that doctor appointment I've been avoiding for a while, now I just have to go…
Being an adult it's made sometimes of just these routinely obligations that you could come to see as boring but this one is straight-up anxiety inducing for me. But as Kierkegaard said (probably not in this exact words) it's better to know that not to know. I'm so chill about this. :)))))
Jan 17, 2025