I found this in my notes up from April before I met a partner of mine and was overwhelmed with a constant feeling of loneliness. He later cheated on me at the start of the month, and I felt nothing,
I was released to be alone. Now that December is coming to an end, the joy of space has worn off and left a lonesome taste in my mouth. He is the most recent picture of intimacy I can claw too. I dislike him and don’t want him, I’m not sure I ever did. But god do I miss sleeping next to him, I miss his representation of warmth, not him. Anyway this little diary passage reminded me how well I know myself and how the same feelings and thoughts will continuously re imagine themself and manifest into life.
19 April 2024
“We aren’t meant to be solitary creatures
We are made to hold one another
Our arms fit perfectly around people for a reason
And every night I go with only my bed to keep me warm
Part of my soul breaks under the discomfort
The absence of someone is the presence of my loneliness
The space becomes filled with reflections of myself
And I must stare back at my ghosts who haunt me with the silhouette of lovers who did not want me”