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Iām not sure how old I was when my family rented Alfred Hitchcockās āThe Birds,ā but I never forgot certain images from it: crows gathering on the playground; seagulls blotting out the blue sky over a childrenās birthday party; a farmer staring straight into the camera lens (straight at me) through bloody spaces where his eyes should have been.
It was probably somewhere around the attack on the schoolchildren that I left the room, and I never returned to finish The Birds until this year, following a trip up to Bodega Bay, where the film is set (only about an hour or so from where I now live).
Bodega Bay seems proud of its legacy as the backdrop of this enduring story of avian mayhem. And there was a certain charm to the place that made the idea of The Birds seem more whimsical than terrifying. So, I decided it was probably time to finish what I started all those years ago.
Two things surprised me:
The first was how a movie with such a ridiculous premise, one that is so easy to mock and seems ripe for parody, still delivers a palpable feeling of uncanny dread. And second, what a near perfect representation this film is of certain feelings Iāve had in the year since I arrived in northern California.
I recently began having anxiety attacks for the first time in nearly fifteen years. My struggles with anxiety and depression were a more immediate presence in my life when I was young, but with time and support and insight, their looming presence has lessened. The circumstances and pressures that caused these forces to return with such immediacy into my life is not the point of this post. What I want to get at here is something that is known by many fans of horror films, but might seem strange to those who steer clear of them altogether, and ask questions like āwhy the hell would you decide to scare yourself when life is frightening enough already?ā
Itās a good question, and one that I think takes more than one person to adequately answer, but for my part - at this moment in my life when panic and fear seem closer at hand, and my ability to control them feels too often outmatched - it can be truly comforting to recognize my emotional and psychological experiences within a piece of art.
As someone familiar with anxiety as both a steady presence and a sudden consuming one, I find it calming to watch those same sensations unfold on a screen in the elevated scenarios of genre fiction. I can turn to psychology and therapy and neuroscience to better understand these feelings, but horror, when done well (and hell even when done charmingly poorly), offers scale models of these experiences, safe and even entertaining ways to engage with them, and in so doing, lessen the threat they pose.
There are many layers to the appeal of horror, but to see certain heightened feelings reflected back at you is certainly one of them. They can tell you, now and then and in indirect and fantastic and even silly terms, that you are not the only one who feels this way.
More in my substack āAngle Onā
Oct 25, 2024
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This morning I started to recognise the familiar symptoms of an anxiety attack, that usually leads me to be completely unable to function.
I have my resources and I can handle them (anxiety/panic attacks), even if they cause me an immense amount of pain, both physically and emotionally.
But thereās one thing I was never ever able to do, that people often told me would help: put on comfortable clothes and take a walk, go outside and breathe, get the fuck out of your room. I thought I would never been able to do that, never. āI am not strong enough, it may be good for others, but me? Iām weak, I cannot function, something bad might happen, my body is not my ally in these casesā. I guess I was wrong, and Iām so happy to admit I was wrong.
I said to myself, when those symptoms arised this morning: āok, breathe, itās just the same familiar stuff you know very well. Now, you can deal with it, even if youāre scared. But this time, why donāt you try something different? For just one time, allow yourself to react by moving your body, try to show your mind that there are other ways to deal with thisā. I was scared as fuck, but I did it.
And I discovered another part of myself that I thought wasnāt there. My body, this time, wasnāt against meā¦and maybe it never was, the poor thing was just trying to adapt to the comfort zone that stillness represented.
I am incredibly strong, so much more than what I thought. And if someone needs to hear this: YOU ARE TOO.
Jan 25, 2025
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gonna be extra real on here ! i have severe, debilitating emetophobia. like the kind that renders you agoraphobic. I've been an emetophobe since i was little but it's never been this bad before. i have panic attacks daily, I'm constantly exhausted and eating, sleeping, and going outside is becoming harder and harder as the days pass me by. do not be alarmed though, I'm in therapy and I'm on luvox although i wouldn't say the latter is working much.
i went to knotts berry farm yesterday ! it was supposed to be a milestone in exposure, a really good one since lots of people filter in and out of the park every day. i ended up going on two rides, eating one churro, washing my hands thrice and kind of just calling it a day. plus it was super cold so it was just all just kind of a bummer. i decided to end the day on a good note and snag some peanuts merch (as u can see from my pfp, i am a HUGE woodstock fan), so i bought a Woodstock figurine and small plushie. best part of my day honestly, I'm glad i did that for myself.
it is now the morning after and I'm sitting here just really nervous and panicky because I can't stop thinking about the possible illnesses i could have picked up at the park. i know I'll be ok no matter what ends up happening, and i have plans with my friend in about an hour so i'm still challenging myself and my instincts to hide. i just wanted to put it out into the world. emetophobia is shackling and limiting for a lot of people, and i also want people to know that they CAN do difficult things in the midst of it. my phobia and ocd has held me back in many situations but i don't want it to keep me from doing what i love. even though that knotts trip kind of sucked, the world didn't end and a day later i'm sitting here next to my super cute woodstock plushie. also that churro i got at the park was the best churro I've ever had !!! if u ever go to knotts u NEED to get a fresh churro they're so freaking good. you can do hard things. even if it sucks, that one experience doesn't have to control you. these are basically self-affirmations lmao. gonna go get brunch now with my friend bye bye !
Mar 27, 2025
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What makes me so anxious?
Perhaps it is the fear of loss of control. But, either something is in my hands, and I can do something about it, or it isn't and I can't do anything about it. Maybe writing this down will help? Entry #1
What makes me so anxious?Perhaps it is the fear of loss of control. But, either something is in my hands, and I can do something about it, or it isn't and I can't do anything about it. Maybe writing this down will help?
I feel unease because I fear having to spend time away from her. Maybe they will compell me to shift cities in order to work - and here I was, trying to build something with her. Distance hurts and it sucks to stay apart.
However, it's not like I have no options. May not be comfortable options - but I do have options. So maybe I should not fret so much.
Jan 2, 2025
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š½
Iāve never had a bad time
Oct 29, 2024
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Not every idea is a good idea. But maybe a small part of it is, or maybe it can grow into one, or maybe it will lead to the next good idea, or maybe you just need to get all those lousy ideas out of the way so the good ones have room to breathe.
Or maybe it just feels good to write and this fixation on good vs bad ideas is the thing thatās in the way.
Nov 4, 2024
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Recommending this for myself because I never do it but when I do it always helps me get whatās inside outside.
Apr 9, 2024