i will tell the tragic story of both of my first kisses:
I was a bit of a late bloomer romantically, and didnāt engage in pining of any sort until about age 15. At some point during my 15th year on this earth, I asked out a girl I knew named Adina who had very beautiful eyes, and we ādatedā for a couple of months: we sat in coffee shops for an hour once a week or so holding slippery, sweaty hands and not making eye contact. This continued until my 16th birthday part sleepover. We two were the last still awake, and there, in the dark, on the hardwood floor of my living room, she kissed me. I remember she put her hand in my hair and i felt blessed.
She pulled away and as I was gearing up to say something, she said:
āI donāt think i like girls actuallyā
Woe!
I in my soul felt damned but tried to handle it with grace. We are still vague friends to this day.
second kiss:
A few months later, I met a boy who ate paper plates, had a reputation for being mean, and regularly skipped class to play guitar in the closet of his school. I deemed it prudent to lose my virginity to him (a confusing but not surprising decision in hindsight.) we started courting, and one day in the autumn, under a tree in washington square park, we kissed. Again, it was beautiful. Until halfway through he pulled away, excused himself, and threw up behind the tree.
WOE AGAIN!!!
Turns out he had strep and did not tell me. we dated for 10 months, broke up, and then dated/broke up again later in life, with much tumult and excitement along the way.
And that is the story of both my first kisses and how I believed I was cursed forever!!!
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I was very unapproachable and emitted a foul hostile energy that repelled any boys with good sense in high school who may have otherwise been attracted to me. But there was one boy, S., who really liked me (my mother told me recently: āI could tell that boy had no self-respect for dating youā LOL and sheās so right).
I loathed him and found him to be so profoundly irritating and utterly lacking in refinement or taste but he tried his best to win me over by constantly assaulting me with his boisterous and animated presence. Unfortunately, I was on the court for my cousinās quinceanera and needed a date, so I finally bit, having no other options and needing to RSVP several months in advance of the date of the event with the name of my āescort.ā
We started dating before then because why not. My friends threw a surprise birthday party for me at my neighborhood park and after singing happy birthday to me, they all started chanting at me in unison to kiss S., so we went behind a tree for privacy and complied. All I really remember is that his mouth tasted like a burger exactly like the Wet Hot American Summer quote.
This lanky string bean of a young man legitimately only ate pizza and hamburgers and only drank Dr. Pepper (I recently heard that he had come down with gout and I can see why). He had a giant collection of dirty Converse shoes, which he kept in a pile and wore to the exclusion of all other footwear, and he called them Chucks.
He would write me love letters and I would correct the grammar and syntax in red pen and return them to him. He would talk about the children we were going to have someday and tell me that the song āMaybe I'm Amazedā by Paul McCartney made him think of me; I would tell him that I donāt think teenagers can experience real love. I convinced him to grow a beard to hide his off-putting pointy chin that made him look exactly like the tragedy and comedy masks ābecause it just looks so much betterā which he has not shaved since. š
He ended up having an emotional affair with a pizza delivery girl from Oregon who was probably a catfish on the forums for the television show Psych (which he was obsessed with), which hurt my ego more than anything. After the breakup I burned all of the drawings and handmade gifts he had given me in a barbecue grill. I hope heās found a sweet simpleton who treats him well and gives him what he needs. Thatās the story of my evil past and the boy who gave me my first kiss.
Oct 16, 2024
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i was raised in a highly religious household where i was taught that dating was for marriage. middle school romances, then, were frowned upon and seen as fickle because they ājust lead to unnecessary heartbreakā. as fucked up as this logic was, it made sense to me at the time and little me became an expert at suppressing any and all romantic urges, knowing that one day, when i was old enough, my time would come. brainwashing runs deep though, and this sense of being too young for a serious relationship never left me.
time passes, and one day i find myself at 18 years old sitting in the most romantic gazebo in a forest with this girl i felt i really liked at the time. i tell her how much i like her. she says she feels the same. my heart is pounding like never before. yet, terrified of commitment, feeling ashamed of having feelings, and having the sense that im going to have to marry this girl if things went any further, the moment came and went and we never kissed.
we end up moving away from each other. i spend my next years at college feeling heartbroken but also wracking my brain over why things never truly felt right with her. i do shrooms, my religiosity unravels, and i finally accept that im gay. internal crises ensue and i spend a good couple years ādoing they workā, as they say.
flash forward to 23. iāve moved to the city and have my own apartment. iāve just come out two months prior. i decide i want to start dating (big because i had never actually dated anyone, esp men). i meet someone online and we go out a few times. iām absolutely charmed and he tells me how bad he wants to kiss me but i have to decline because i still feel like i barely know him and i donāt want to regret it. i explain my lore to give reason for my apprehension. like, the stakes are now HIGH - my brain is way too developed at this point for me to waste my first kiss on just anyone.
one evening shortly after, weāre chatting on the couch in my apartment and that pre-kiss feeling is in the air. he asks again if he can kiss me and i say yes. he leans in, does the deed, i kiss back, and we make out for close to three hours (needed to make up for 23 years of nothing). one of the best nights of my life. it took years of self-work and un-conditioning to get to that place in my life where i could experience/enjoy a moment like that and im so proud of myself for it<3
epilogue: we continued to go out but ended up doing the whole anxious/avoidant situationship dance which nearly destroyed me in the end (i still think about him every day). but we had some good times lol
Oct 17, 2024
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my first kiss was literally underwater which is kinda poetic since my name is Ariel lol
I was 14 and i had a HUGE crush on my classmate and i've been trying to seem cool to him for an entire year. anyway it was the end of the school year and we all went to have a pool party and he kissed me underwater. honestly, i was so confused at what actually happened since my eyes were closed and it really just felt like any other soft surface touching my lips lol. no one else saw so it was our little secret
anyways i guess we liked doing it so much that we decided to meet up for an entire week at school literally just to KISS (school had ended and it was summer vacation but we still met up at school ? i guess because it had a million empty rooms and we couldn't have a private moment elsewhere) and we would do it so much my upper lip started bruising. i remember there was a wall clock and every now and then i would open my eyes to see how much time had passed, one time we kissed for 45 minutes straight. i guess we matched each other's freaks. then i'd go home and listen to kiss me by sixpence none the richer on repeat on my mp3 player.
that week was the end of it, he kinda ghosted me afterwards and at the start of the new school year he had a girlfriend ;-( oh well!!!!
Mar 19, 2025
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