So one of my flexes is that actually I had a great first kiss experience. I was 15, it was with my girlfriend at the time. We had been dating on and off for a few months (this was both our first like serious relationship that counted so it was pretty messy in soooo many ways). We had been best friends for a long time before dating and we always had feelings for each other.
We were in my house playing Dictator on my iPad, sitting on a bean bag in my room. We were cuddling and the tension was over the roof, and after holding the most intense stare ever I ask "what?" (and I knew what was happening but I wanted to play dumb so that she would say it and then I would not have to start it because I was nervous and we had never kissed and thought she might reject me?) anyway and she went "god, I hope I don't regret this" (which like looking back no wonder I was afraid of getting rejected and like damn bitch but also we were teens and she was very nervous too). So she KISSED ME and everything inside me exploded. We proceeded to make out for like a full 40 minutes with some breaks and like got hands under shirts and also this was the first time I ever touched a boob and it was MINDBLOWING and AWESOME (i love boobs).
The breaks we took in between were also pretty sweet. Our relationship up to this point and also after was full of hiding because neither of us wanted our families to know we were together so we were always looking to get intimate in positions were breaking apart at a moment's notice would give us plausible deniability (I still was a cishet man so it wasn't a closet thing back then, but neither of us was ever very close to our families that way). We would play a couple of rounds of Dictator and then make out in the ad breaks. Also my dog was around and wanted to play and was SUCH a bother. In the end the secrecy wasn't effective because the bean bag was right in front of my door (which I was not allowed to close) and we noticed at some point my mom was passing my room on the way out of a room we never saw her walk into in the first place...? So she definitely saw us, we just don't know at what part (hopefully not when we were getting handsy LOL).
We dated for a couple of months more, broke up because I left on a semester abroad, got back together after two years and had a much better, healthier, steady relationship for that time. We don't speak anymore (but that's a story for ANOTHER day) but last we spoke about this we both remember this kiss very fondly.
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i was raised in a highly religious household where i was taught that dating was for marriage. middle school romances, then, were frowned upon and seen as fickle because they ājust lead to unnecessary heartbreakā. as fucked up as this logic was, it made sense to me at the time and little me became an expert at suppressing any and all romantic urges, knowing that one day, when i was old enough, my time would come. brainwashing runs deep though, and this sense of being too young for a serious relationship never left me.
time passes, and one day i find myself at 18 years old sitting in the most romantic gazebo in a forest with this girl i felt i really liked at the time. i tell her how much i like her. she says she feels the same. my heart is pounding like never before. yet, terrified of commitment, feeling ashamed of having feelings, and having the sense that im going to have to marry this girl if things went any further, the moment came and went and we never kissed.
we end up moving away from each other. i spend my next years at college feeling heartbroken but also wracking my brain over why things never truly felt right with her. i do shrooms, my religiosity unravels, and i finally accept that im gay. internal crises ensue and i spend a good couple years ādoing they workā, as they say.
flash forward to 23. iāve moved to the city and have my own apartment. iāve just come out two months prior. i decide i want to start dating (big because i had never actually dated anyone, esp men). i meet someone online and we go out a few times. iām absolutely charmed and he tells me how bad he wants to kiss me but i have to decline because i still feel like i barely know him and i donāt want to regret it. i explain my lore to give reason for my apprehension. like, the stakes are now HIGH - my brain is way too developed at this point for me to waste my first kiss on just anyone.
one evening shortly after, weāre chatting on the couch in my apartment and that pre-kiss feeling is in the air. he asks again if he can kiss me and i say yes. he leans in, does the deed, i kiss back, and we make out for close to three hours (needed to make up for 23 years of nothing). one of the best nights of my life. it took years of self-work and un-conditioning to get to that place in my life where i could experience/enjoy a moment like that and im so proud of myself for it<3
epilogue: we continued to go out but ended up doing the whole anxious/avoidant situationship dance which nearly destroyed me in the end (i still think about him every day). but we had some good times lol
Oct 17, 2024
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my first kiss was literally underwater which is kinda poetic since my name is Ariel lol
I was 14 and i had a HUGE crush on my classmate and i've been trying to seem cool to him for an entire year. anyway it was the end of the school year and we all went to have a pool party and he kissed me underwater. honestly, i was so confused at what actually happened since my eyes were closed and it really just felt like any other soft surface touching my lips lol. no one else saw so it was our little secret
anyways i guess we liked doing it so much that we decided to meet up for an entire week at school literally just to KISS (school had ended and it was summer vacation but we still met up at school ? i guess because it had a million empty rooms and we couldn't have a private moment elsewhere) and we would do it so much my upper lip started bruising. i remember there was a wall clock and every now and then i would open my eyes to see how much time had passed, one time we kissed for 45 minutes straight. i guess we matched each other's freaks. then i'd go home and listen to kiss me by sixpence none the richer on repeat on my mp3 player.
that week was the end of it, he kinda ghosted me afterwards and at the start of the new school year he had a girlfriend ;-( oh well!!!!
Mar 19, 2025
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I was 17. I had met this guy on tinder back when they let minors have their own section (total mess). He became my long distance boyfriend. I didnāt really like him he was a random rebound after my first love.
We met up in Toronto in the middle of the summer. I was about to get on the train home and he kissed me. He was dripping with sweat. I had to wipe my face after that mess. I didnāt tell any of my friends about it. I thought I didnāt like kissing for a while afterwards.
Mar 17, 2025
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Oct 15, 2024
My last break up left me feeling super neglected so I got together with a friend and we went to the beach together. I cooked for us and she drove. We spent the day there and it was just so nice to be under the sun and to feel the wind on my face and under my dress. I pretended to be a middle-age divorcƩ who leaves her family to feel young and free again by the beach, smoke, read, drink, dance, and flirt with hotties.
None of that happened ofc, we just went to the beach and ate home-made burgers, but having a friend to entertain my delusion and hang out at the beach was equally as healing. I will bever forget that day
Mar 16, 2024
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A little personal, but being non-binary, I grew up very dissociated from my body and my time, so I donāt remember a good chunk of my formative years and have retained none of my hobbies. Recently tho, I have been trying to piece myself back together, so I have been spending a lot of time on my own. Another thing about me is that I have crushes everywhere I go, so I spend a lot of time loving others. After breaking-up with an ex that made me feel very neglected qnd unappreciated, I decided that I was going to give myself as much love and attention as I give my crushes and lovers. This has changed me.
I just let myself feel my feelings and get carried away by them. I get myself little treats and flowers, I get myself little treats and gifts. I organize little fun dates/plans for myself where I engage in new hobbies. Small manageable things that donāt feel too overwhelming to learn, like decorating Altoids tins with collage or journaling. By letting myself navigate the world through my feelings, Iāve discovered what I like, dislike, and developed little rituals and habits that I can then tell other about and share.
Social media has helped me that way, surprisingly. I treat my instagram like a scrap book and use it to document my feelings with shitposts and photos; the visual story telling makes me appreciate the little things. Pinterest allows me to collect things I like and develop a taste with no effort and no consequences, and I end up with huge pin boards full of pictures and art I love and that make me feel particular things I can name and explore. This app has been good for that too.
It takes time, love, self-compassion, and trust. Trust that the love others give you is legitimate. Trust that you are liked for a genuine reason. Trust that the mundane is magical by itself, love it for that. Trust that you donāt need to be special to be worthy of love, you can just be a person and thatās really cool <3
Mar 11, 2024