🖤
He texted me the day after my birthday. "I'm moving back north." With those four simple words, my best friend broke my heart. The housing crisis and academic job market left him no other choice than to leave Amsterdam - and by extension, me. Before he moved, we spent one last night in the city together, revisiting all the places where we'd made our favorite memories, asking each other "remember when..." until the sun set. We stayed at the swings that play music, then slept in the bed we'd shared so many times. And when the sun rose again, and the time came to go our separate ways, not knowing if and when we'd see each other again, it hurt just a little less to let him go.
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My friend is set to move out of town after summer. I was definitely a little sad but joyful that his life will continue to develop and expand. I’m not big on journaling but I was able to channel some of those emotions into this going away party flyer. ill Miss him dearly
Mar 19, 2025
Sometimes it just pops out of nowhere, sometimes it’s just a passing memory and sometimes out of the blue I feel the weight of what happened. I had a best friend, a person with which I connected in a way I never did with anyone. She moved out of the city and with that she stopped any communication with me. I miss her. I miss her so much. I feel like I must have fucked up big time for this to be happening. In our last call I told her I was worried we would lose contact with the distance and she told me it would never happen. I believed her. It’s a weird sadness; most of the time I can see clearly that more than try to text her I cannot do much and I’m angry or confused about the situation but it passes, I go by my day. But sometimes this wave of sadness arrives and I remember how she made me laugh, how she looked at me, the day we actually talked like friends for the first time and then it hits me that we might have spoken for the last time. how could that be? I still believe her. One day she’ll call me and my memories of today will fade and get replaced by others of us together.
I should have called her more, told her more times how I loved her, how she was beautiful, we should have gone to more concerts together, we should have said yes to that dude who wanted to interview us for a tiktok. We should have when there still was a we.
One day talking about relationships, I mentioned how incapable I am at letting go and how sometimes I start to resent the person I can’t let go for the things we do to each other. So maybe it’s all for the best, maybe I’m being spared, maybe it will save our memories from being tainted, maybe that‘s all the time meant for us. I don’t know but I wish I did.
Jan 18, 2025
the other day i went out to an unfinished nuclear plant with some old highschool friends. we cut a hole in the fence and ran to one of the massive, truly massive cooling towers. it was terrifyingly big, like really, seriously, huge. it was my third time there and definitely had not lost any of its effect on me. the four of us stood underneath it for a good forty minutes. looking up through the top to see the last touch of sunset resting on the rim, and later planets. we stood there for long stretches of silence until someone would shift their weight and the crunch of a couple pebbles underfoot would echo so loud and clear we could all hear it.
we sang there in the echo beneath the tower until it was totally dark.
later, in the front seat of my best friend‘s car as we played american football i cried. i don’t think anyone noticed, i think they were busy with whatever they were thinking about. i cried because of how long i had gone wanting this feeling. that i hadn’t seen these old friends in months and had been struggling to meet anyone i felt could be the kind of people i wanted to really love like i did my friends from highschool.
i want people to love so badly, to go to a sketchy abandoned nuclear plant and watch the sunset and sing together. we forget how long it takes to make friends like that i guess. it’s only been one semester, and i shouldn‘t let that be me down.
i love you all so much :)
Jan 29, 2025
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I'm a July baby. Growing up, I spent most of my birthdays alone. Some years because my friends had left the country. Some years because I'd left the country. Some years because I had no friends. And with every year passing, the pressure to spend my birthday surrounded by friends and family and to have a good time increased. Every year I felt like a failure when I couldn't make it happen. So I stopped telling people it's my birthday.
But today is my 28th birthday.
Jul 17, 2024
🛏
"If the two of you are so good together, why don't you make a move?" my friend asked me in a dream about the guy I was ever so slowly falling for. Those words echoed through my mind for months, from the first date till the final breakup.
Jun 14, 2024
✨
I hadn't seen my friend since New Year's Eve. Now it was October, her wedding day, and she barely gave me the chance to gush over her gorgeous dress, her makeup, her jewelry.
"You look happier," she said. "Your energy has changed. It's much calmer now. I'm happy for you."
I love her for taking the time out of her special day to notice me like that.
Oct 13, 2024