I have to be doing something with my hands or have an activity planned for myself outside of work, I am rarely just chilling by myself with my own thoughts (I call friends and family so much which is a strength but sometimes it’s just to talk and exhaust myself) Trying to be better at savoring moments and not rushing through things but it’s physically uncomfortable for me to just do nothing sometimes
Jul 18, 2024

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whoops,, I get bored and overwhelmed easily. I feel like I’m not doing enough. like life isn’t moving even when I’m doing something but then I have to remind myself that this is in fact life.
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I need to work. I need to keep my mind busy with goals. Big ones, small ones, ambitions and routines, I need it all. As a kid I was always labeled uh, like smart. Or something like that. Gifted. I was a gifted child hahahahaha. I was praised for my verbose conversations, and knowledge of trivial shit from pop culture and presidential history. I didn’t have a lot of solid friends growing up, and I spent a lot of my time with adults. So, I was always pampered with “You’re gonna be ____ one day!” And that shit. I never built a work ethic. I guess it’s my fault, but I don’t know if it was internal or external. As an adult now, I feel like I have to make up for that lost time. I have to constantly work on my personal affairs, and the events I do. Or else I’ll fall into that childhood-teenage bad habit of not doing anything.
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There’s something I feel like I’m chasing all the time. I catch glimpses of it when I’m relaxing in nature or when I’m with friends. Like the desire to settle but I just can’t.
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