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I am a liquor & wine salesman. Theoretically, it is my job to go to grocery stores in the dark hours of the morning, schmooze with the lazy eyed manager, & convince him/her to purchase X many cases of alcohol to be displayed at Y location in the store's floor plan. I make the sale by doing free labor around the store for them. Those big displays with dozens of wine cases, the ones where you can just pick up a bottle on a whim, it's a large part of my job to set those up. For every one of those cases on the floor, I make somewhere in the ballpark of 5 dollars/case; this may sound pathetic (it's notĀ notĀ pathetic [notĀ nothingĀ either {50 cases at a single store can net me enough money to buy groceries for a two week period}]), but Iām paid a decent hourly rate & can ostensibly make a good living if I show up consistently, lend a helping hand to the usually decent staff of one of my many stores, etc..Ā
lmao
I don't do any of this, that's the thing. I drive to the first store on my route, I clock in on my work phone & the phone takes a real-time snapshot of the location & time of my clock in. I drive back home. I crawl into bed & I fall asleep. I've been doing this for the better part of a year now. Honestly, for the majority of the time that I've worked at this job I haven't done a single thing. I guess that's not entirely true. I've slept in, gone grocery shopping, gone to the gym, laid in my girlfriendās arms: watched movies, tv, pornography, birds outside my window while my cat would nap in my lap. Cooking, cleaning, it's all so much sweeter, so much healthier when it's on company time. Right now I'm thinking ofĀ reallyĀ tackling Shakespeare. Why not?Ā
I know that one day the jig will be up. Either they'll find me out & demand that I change my ways (something I would never, could never do) or fire me. I hope they fire me. God, how I want my fat milksmelling boss to waddle toward me, his pig face full of condescension, relishing the opportunity to finally cut me down to size. Me, leaning against my convertibleā sunglasses on, cowboy faced, a real Johnny California ready for a full day of surfing. Iād take a long drag & blow cigarette smoke in his face or spit chewing tobacco/ zyn spit in his eye or attack him with a boxcutter & try to take one or both of his eyelids for myself. Maybe all of the above. I'm really not a sadist or a sicko in the head or an edgelord or anything, but the idea of crucifying him on a steel cross, sticking a spear hooked up to a liposuction machine in his side, and draining him of about 450 lbs is hilarious to me. The lard trickling down into a pit beneath him. When he asks for water give him vinegar. & when he's had enough & I've made him beautiful forever, Iād pull the lever & lower him into the boiling vat of his own fat. This makes me laugh a lot.
One of these days itāll end. Iāll start law school or get a real job or get hit by a car & in my post-concussed state somehow be recalbirated to enjoy work. But for now, Iām going back to sleep. Itās 10:53 in the morning for crying out loud
Apr 25, 2024
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Maybe this is played-out in the eyes of anyone whoās spent much time in Lower Manhattan but itās such a classic for me. Kenka is that wacko Japanese basement off St. Marks that serves a wide range of cheap bites and cheaper beverages ā the cheapest prices in the city, for all I fucking know; for an emptywalleted and literally starving type boy such as myself, the prospect of an udon-bowl, a miso soup, a French fry, and an agedashi tofu for about fifteen bucks altogether is so dreamy ā¦ beers are a buck fifty, a pitcher of beers is eight. I used to come here with my best friend, who is a very beautiful girl, to play the Drunk Challenge, which is a sort of game where you challenge yourself to drink a pitcher of beer and become intoxicated ā¦ those were the days ā¦ since her attitude went more-or-less downhill, I mostly just go here by myself now, or sometimes with Patrick. When Iām alone Iāll write out some ideas or reread Tropic of Cancer or another book of that vibrational frequency or get accosted by one of the other drunk men there, which makes me drink faster so I can leave. In fact this is a wonderful thing: the sooner Iām schway, the sooner I can get all impulsive, and at least a few more hours of life are saved from the wasting indecision that has murdered so many of my moments. Cāest la fucking vie.
May 10, 2023
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I do this for my east coast early risersā¢ļø. I offer you a real time vision into authentic west coast desperation. Rejoice! You will never know me. I am too far away, and too far lost for my words to reach the best of you. The Sun rises over your ocean & sets over mine. That which shines & sings on you will, within the hour, spite me & spit upon me. And I will sleep sweetly through it, soaked in the excrement of Amun Ra. His holy semen will glue my eyelids shut & grant me safe passage through the underworld.
Aug 17, 2024
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Old me probably wouldāve gotten upset and ruminated over it. But now Iām a real professional humanā¢ļø and I just had my friend read and summarize it and moved on with my life. Jokeās on him since he works with a lot of my former coworkers in a niche industry and he could lose his new job over this š
May 18, 2025
Top Recs from @steelyfan1998
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sometimes you just need to read some real shit straight from the realest person you know .
Feb 24, 2025
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Mar 4, 2025
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I LOVE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS I LOVE THE LIGHT I LOVE GOING FOR A HIKE AFTER WORK AND HOW WATER LOOKS IN THE WARM DUSK THANK YOU DAYLIGHT SAVINGS----- I HAPPILY SACRIFICE AN HOUR OF SLEEP COME THIS TIME OF THE YEAR WAKING TO THE SUNSHINE JABBING ME EYE----- IF YOU DON'T FUCK WITH DAYLIGHT SAVINGS UNFOLLOW ME I DONT FUCK WITH YOU----- THE GREATEST BETRAYAL OF MY ADULT LIFE WAS WHEN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA VOTED FOR PERMANENT DAY LIGHT SAVINGS ALL THE TIME AND THE COWARDS THAT RUN THIS PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A STATE FAILED TO IMPLEMENT ETERNAL SUMMER
Mar 4, 2025