Related Recs

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DRUNK TEXTING

idc. that’s the real me in those messages.

@mangoweed

Apr 19, 2025

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Costanzamaxxing @ work

I am a liquor & wine salesman. Theoretically, it is my job to go to grocery stores in the dark hours of the morning, schmooze with the lazy eyed manager, & convince him/her to purchase X many cases of alcohol to be displayed at Y location in the store's floor plan. I make the sale by doing free labor around the store for them. Those big displays with dozens of wine cases, the ones where you can just pick up a bottle on a whim, it's a large part of my job to set those up. For every one of those cases on the floor, I make somewhere in the ballpark of 5 dollars/case; this may sound pathetic (it's not not pathetic [not nothing either {50 cases at a single store can net me enough money to buy groceries for a two week period}]), but I’m paid a decent hourly rate & can ostensibly make a good living if I show up consistently, lend a helping hand to the usually decent staff of one of my many stores, etc..  lmao I don't do any of this, that's the thing. I drive to the first store on my route, I clock in on my work phone & the phone takes a real-time snapshot of the location & time of my clock in. I drive back home. I crawl into bed & I fall asleep. I've been doing this for the better part of a year now. Honestly, for the majority of the time that I've worked at this job I haven't done a single thing. I guess that's not entirely true. I've slept in, gone grocery shopping, gone to the gym, laid in my girlfriend’s arms: watched movies, tv, pornography, birds outside my window while my cat would nap in my lap. Cooking, cleaning, it's all so much sweeter, so much healthier when it's on company time. Right now I'm thinking of really tackling Shakespeare. Why not?  I know that one day the jig will be up. Either they'll find me out & demand that I change my ways (something I would never, could never do) or fire me. I hope they fire me. God, how I want my fat milksmelling boss to waddle toward me, his pig face full of condescension, relishing the opportunity to finally cut me down to size. Me, leaning against my convertible— sunglasses on, cowboy faced, a real Johnny California ready for a full day of surfing. I’d take a long drag & blow cigarette smoke in his face or spit chewing tobacco/ zyn spit in his eye or attack him with a boxcutter & try to take one or both of his eyelids for myself. Maybe all of the above. I'm really not a sadist or a sicko in the head or an edgelord or anything, but the idea of crucifying him on a steel cross, sticking a spear hooked up to a liposuction machine in his side, and draining him of about 450 lbs is hilarious to me. The lard trickling down into a pit beneath him. When he asks for water give him vinegar. & when he's had enough & I've made him beautiful forever, I’d pull the lever & lower him into the boiling vat of his own fat. This makes me laugh a lot. One of these days it’ll end. I’ll start law school or get a real job or get hit by a car & in my post-concussed state somehow be recalbirated to enjoy work. But for now, I’m going back to sleep. It’s 10:53 in the morning for crying out loud

@steelyfan1998

Apr 25, 2024

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DRUNK SELFIES

Bonus points if you send them to people with some message you thought was hilarious in the moment, but in all actuality it wasn’t you were just too drunk to read it properly.

@bensinc

Apr 14, 2025

Top Recs from @tortitude

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Buying a bag of 50 frozen dumplings for $15

We know what’s for dinner this week

@tortitude

Feb 1, 2025

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BEING A CHATGPT VIRGIN

I probably have to pop that cherry today for work and I’m deeply sad since I’ve gotten this far with never once using it, which is the way things should be.

@tortitude

May 9, 2025

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THESE LIL HOOKS

Have you ever seen such a thing?

@tortitude

6d ago