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šŖ¦
i am currently in the process of letting go of the person i grew into for the last 15 years of my life. i no longer am a ballet dancer. my brain and body are so hardwired into the severe repetition and rituals that are imbedded into ballet that iām struggling to undo that. i also have a lot of complex trauma and anxiety associated with dancing and being in a studio that it eventually became harmful for me. ALL THAT TO SAY- I AM GRIEVING MY PAST SELF. AND IT IS OKAY TO DO THAT. I AM NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS. I AM GROWING INTO SOMEONE WHO IS FREE AND SURE OF THEMSELF. I AM LIVING FOR ME!!!!!!!!
Jul 20, 2025
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šI turned 25 a few weeks ago and with it has come a sense of urgency to do everything I want to accomplish immediately. I also miss who I used to be before I really had to get a grip of my life. By āget a gripā I mean the years before my father was first diagnosed with cancer, before I cared (more) about societal expectations of being feminine and more about my interests, and I miss most of all the sense of having it all figured out. I was cringe and free! Then I turned 14 and my life took a hard left and stayed that way for the past 11 years. My dad died traumatically. I lost my faith and left the religion I grew up in. My mom and I had a falling out and we were mutually disowned by my dadās family.
It wasnāt all doom and gloom. I graduated with a bachelorās degree, the first in my family.
During it all though, I feel like Iāve lost myself. My grief is overwhelmingly the main theme of my life. I know many people are familiar with the feeling.
Jul 19, 2025
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Iām a senior in high school. Iāve always been scared of growing upāchange used to twist my stomach. I liked the routine: the same halls, the same faces, the predictability of it all.
but now? I want change more than anything. I want to take my exams, get into college, and finallyĀ breathe. high school has given me everything it couldāevery storyline played out. Iāve laughed, cried, gone through every clichĆ©. thereās nothing left to squeeze out of this chapter
I remember being a junior, thinking Iād be heartbroken to leave. but I outgrew that feeling faster than I expectedā¦
I think rewatchingĀ FriendsĀ for the fourth time is helping. that show has this way of making me feel okay even when everythingās uncertain. like, maybe itās fine not to have it all figured out. maybe change isnāt something to fear but something to lean into
I want to grow. I want to step into new adventures, new messes, new moments that donāt feel like reruns. Iām still scared, a little. but I want this now
change doesnāt mean losing who I amāit means becoming more of who Iām meant to be
but now? I want change more than anything. I want to take my exams, get into college, and finallyĀ breathe. high school has given me everything it couldāevery storyline played out. Iāve laughed, cried, gone through every clichĆ©. thereās nothing left to squeeze out of this chapter
I remember being a junior, thinking Iād be heartbroken to leave. but I outgrew that feeling faster than I expectedā¦
I think rewatchingĀ FriendsĀ for the fourth time is helping. that show has this way of making me feel okay even when everythingās uncertain. like, maybe itās fine not to have it all figured out. maybe change isnāt something to fear but something to lean into
I want to grow. I want to step into new adventures, new messes, new moments that donāt feel like reruns. Iām still scared, a little. but I want this now
change doesnāt mean losing who I amāit means becoming more of who Iām meant to be
May 6, 2025
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š¦This could change when I hit 40 (lmao), but the older I get, the more confident I know who I am. I feel more and more sure of myself, and less and less concerned with how others view me.
My life is my own, and comparing it to other's is a disservice to myself and the path I'm now on.
Do I still experience guilt, regrets, doubt? Of course I do.
Do I know what I'm doing with my life? I might have less of a clue than I did in my twenties.
Do I still feel like a weird little freak, like I did in my teens? Hell yeah, some stuff just never changes.
I still enjoy things I loved as a child, like video games, Pokemon, stuffed animals, and giggling.
I still enjoy things I loved as a teen, like pop punk music, being annoying, and singing whenever the mood strikes.
I still enjoy things I loved in college, like dancing enthusiastically, writing amateurish poetry, and crushing on women who will never, ever be into me.
But now I'm just...30. More health issues. More scars. More silvery hairs that sparkle in the sun like some vampiric trope made real.
But also...more memories that sweeten with time. More time spent in awe and revelry. More reveling in the beauty of nature. More of my own innate nature revealed to me as I sit with myself more, alone.
I feel thirty, flirty, and thriving. I also feel as a child, as a teen, as a drunken young adult, bumbling around without knowing if what I'm doing is right.
I'm just doing my best. That's all you really can do; embrace how you are now, and how you are tomorrow, and again, and again, and again.
My life is my own, and comparing it to other's is a disservice to myself and the path I'm now on.
Do I still experience guilt, regrets, doubt? Of course I do.
Do I know what I'm doing with my life? I might have less of a clue than I did in my twenties.
Do I still feel like a weird little freak, like I did in my teens? Hell yeah, some stuff just never changes.
I still enjoy things I loved as a child, like video games, Pokemon, stuffed animals, and giggling.
I still enjoy things I loved as a teen, like pop punk music, being annoying, and singing whenever the mood strikes.
I still enjoy things I loved in college, like dancing enthusiastically, writing amateurish poetry, and crushing on women who will never, ever be into me.
But now I'm just...30. More health issues. More scars. More silvery hairs that sparkle in the sun like some vampiric trope made real.
But also...more memories that sweeten with time. More time spent in awe and revelry. More reveling in the beauty of nature. More of my own innate nature revealed to me as I sit with myself more, alone.
I feel thirty, flirty, and thriving. I also feel as a child, as a teen, as a drunken young adult, bumbling around without knowing if what I'm doing is right.
I'm just doing my best. That's all you really can do; embrace how you are now, and how you are tomorrow, and again, and again, and again.
May 13, 2024
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i just had my last ever performance and i honestly could not have worn these shoes for a day longer. i truly killed these shoes. my performance was outside so i even got grass stains on the bottoms of them. this being my last pair of pointe shoes is so special having worn them past the point of being dead!!!!!
Jun 19, 2025
Jul 18, 2025
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album by mr cameron winter
just absolutely beautiful, devastating, and ultimately turns me inside out
just absolutely beautiful, devastating, and ultimately turns me inside out
1d ago