🎆
I am not at all patriotic and I don’t give a fuck about independence day, but it’s always a day of celebration for me.
16 years ago on the 4th of July I was 16 and suicidal. I had been since middle school and almost went through with it at 13, and before that in elementary, I thought about “running away from home so my family would be happy”.
That night I went to the top of a parking garage downtown to get a better view of the fireworks. I am going to skip over some painful details here. I ended up partially climbing over the barrier that went around the garage. One leg swinging over the edge.Â
Then I threw up and it was like the suicidal thoughts came out of me with my dinner. Honestly it felt like a miracle. I cried and went home and while I was still miserable, I never thought about killing myself again.
16 years later, after fighting and clawing and crying myself out of the darkness, my life is better than I ever thought possible and it’s just the beginning. I’m growing and learning and healing. I am creating the sense of safety I never had growing up. I am unlearning fear and shame. I am treating myself with dignity and gentleness. I am re-parenting myself. I wish I could go back to my teenage self, hug her tight and tell her the nightmare she’s living in is not her fault, that she’s beautiful and brilliant and radiant and her existence is inherently good, not evil.
Tonight I will look up at the sky and pretend each firework was lit just for me.
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I think I'm at the point of the life where I can finally feel grateful for the direction things are going, which is weird because if you asked me four years ago about the current standing of myself and everything, I'd be confused. And I think I have time to thank for my many epiphanies.
Time is scary, and that's what haunts me when I go to sleep. However, it can be a double edged sword. Though I may panic about the goodbyes I'll never properly say, the inevitable truth that I will no longer be a teenage girl and impending adulthood, time has graced me with a few things.
Instead of thinking waking up as a chore, I wake up eager to do things even if it's a mundane chore, to learn about a new obsession, to read, to love, to yearn.
The bonds I've formed, no matter how small or quick they dissappear. I'm lucky to say that I've learned at least one things from people I've formed relationships with, some miniscule compared to others. From these I've accepted to be raw, authentic, and to be present rather than to lose myself in the past or future
The ability to see what I've accomplished rather than what I haven't, to be compassionate to myself above all which I wish was something I had as a young adolescent.
I wish I could go back in time to thirteen year old me, even in a dream, and tell her to accept and live even in the midst of hell being a teenage girl. To take the risks and how even though the end of the fall is far, she'll have something to land on. To reassure that things do end up in her favor and instruct her to do the hardest thing ever: wait.
Jun 8, 2025
I turned 21 in february 2020, so, ya know. My world changed quick.
But truly I just remember trying various things, trying to define and undefine myself. Feeling what it felt like to stick to my guns, then readjust them. I was in the middle of what would be a 2.5 year relationship. I didn't kid myself with picturing a big future anymore than what was sweet, which was wonderful. I was living with a partner for the first time and felt like I knew what to do, like I was experienced enough for all the problems which faced me. but really I was just experienced enough to start so many things.
I was constantly bouncing between total pride and complete faliure. Playing house in a house I was actually renting with friends. Experimenting with what grocery shopping for myself meant to my life, redifining how I was going to live my days in the future.
The best thing I did in my 21st year of life was not be too mean to myself for not committing, and just committing to new things. I would go dance in the park, go on walks, edit music. All things I wish I did on the regular but regardless, by trying new things, it made it so much easier to pick them up, because I had a frame of reference for the world.
I loved being 20, as depressed as I was. That specific creativity is gone. But now I am 25 and know how to weild my own magic. The depth I have always felt within my soul has farther definition. Its like I put on glasses in a 7th dimention. Don't underestimate the beautiful growth ahead. Yes you are an adult, equipped hopefully to start so many new things. But keep up that internal work, and the years will be bountiful towards true inner peace.
And soo many more new tools to better learn how to tackle issues while still feeling like yourself.
u got this. stay true to urself but be flexibl with redifining who that is.
x
Jun 12, 2024
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Let me start off by sharing that my dog died on my birthday. That kind of set the tone đź«
I was in an abusive relationship, got fired from my job (first and only time) so was broke, dropped out of school, and drinking way too much. I was able to leave that relationship that same year, but I had PTSD (didn’t know it, just thought I was crazy!), so I was very unwell.
The positive is that this was my rock bottom. After struggling for a few years I realized I needed help, and I got it. The way I had been living became unsustainable and I needed to find a new way to be.
My life now is so beautiful, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Don’t let this scare you- I wasn’t healthy before all of this either! I wish you a very fun, loving, depth full year of growth and an abundance of joy!
Jun 11, 2024
Top Recs from @regularcucumber
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Log off Amazon prime and step into the real world. Go to a local physical store in your community. Look your neighbor in the eye and put money in their hand.
Go to a local venue and hear what musicians in your community are creating. Talk to them about it afterwards. Buy a T-shirt or cd or whatever they’re selling, they’ll make more money from that than from thousands of streams. Seriously, Spotify pays a fraction of a penny per stream.
Forget about Starbucks. Check out a local coffee shop instead. Learn your barista’s name and tip them.
Go to your local book store and library. Look around and see what book covers catch your eye. Ask employees for recommendations instead of just reading whatever’s trending on #booktok.Â
Go to your local museums, farmers market, theaters, restaurants, whatever your community has going on.
When you go local, you see your community in a new way. You make friends and feel more connected to the people around you.
You will discover new things organically instead of relying on an algorithm. You keep your money circulating in your community instead of making billionaires richer. You will have a greater appreciation for where you live.
P.S. Pay In CashÂ
Jan 29, 2025