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why does it suck so much? am I going to die alone? do i deserve to die alone?
just some random thoughts on a Wednesday
Jun 25, 2025
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being average looking, shy, introvert, and having a weird personality, i have long accepted that i will never get to marry anyone. i thought it's okay if i havent dated anyone ever so i can just live the 'independent self loving woman' life. but honestly, shit, sometimes it's so boring and sad. you dont have to feel bad for me.
on the positive note:
Maybe I'm wrong
Jun 21, 2025
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ask yourself these questions: Why are you unable to live a fulfilling life without a relationship? Do you not have hobbies, friendships, purpose in your life as it is?
I say this as someone who's been single for three years: Thank God I don't have to share a bed with someone else, Thank God I can have the weekly alone time I need to recover my sanity, Thank God I don't have to negotiate or justify anything with anyone else.
Feb 27, 2025
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Honestly my whole life I been by myself, and you might wonder what I mean by that? jajaaj welp, let me tell you a story about me.
i struggled early on life due to my father addictions and violent personality, my mother passed away early on too and I gactually got to live with her until 6-7. After that, all I knew was loneliess, I have a brother but he was very brotherly I would say, because we got a long sometimes and sometimes we don't.
apart from this i got a stepmother, which had child-like personality so we got a long just like kids. she is a very nice person and struggled a lot by my father sides. we all struggled by his side a lot as he is also a narcisistic. everything had to be about him and so on.
i say i been alone, because with my surrondings i was always separeted from the people that truly cared for me and the people that were around didn't really see me, because of this i always had to deal with my emotions by myself and became a very quiet kid. it was awful to put up with shit and always blame it on myself, because that's what everybody is saying.
growing up with very emotionally distant people, always leave you the lonely scar. this is why i always wanted to have friends, but in a weird way jajjaja i was very awkward too and violent. i did a lot of things to impress people or to like them, things like putting down other people, or doing silly things in front of everybody.
all of this has resulted in me needing therapy (and graduating!) and needing people to approve of me. honestly, i can't pin point the thoughts i had when the need to impress taked over me as they were like the usual.
i feel like i been rambling around my loneliness, but that also felt like context. i am now a very different person honestly, but the sadness of not fitting in my family (because i moved out on my own and stopped talking to the rotten ones in my family) and seeing everybody else talking about their mothers and fathers, makes me feel so bad. like i understand that we musn't look to the other persons plate, but when you do and see how empty yours is, is difficult to not go crazy.
i crash out from time to time and i allow myself to do so, becuase is fucking hard. i live on my own by my own means in this ECONOMY, so that just mades everything worse. i hate to see people with parents that actually lookout for them, like no matter what they do they parents will always be there to support them. i hate happy families, and the thing my little self always says in the back when i see this is "why not me?"
Jun 17, 2025
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Iāve been attempting to write more in public spaces, both because it gets my juices flowing and the anxiety about someone reading it over my shoulder and thinking either āomg heās generationalā or āchrist this must be his first timeā really drives me. iām a bit too brain rotted though and canāt stop thinking about feminist literature, or Match Mondays. or this image. i think there is something deeply wrong with me
Jun 30, 2025
thereās not much better than looking someone up and finding out they casually have the mandate of heaven
Jun 29, 2025