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This is my first post and it may be kinda long, but it's good, I promise. Stick with me.
Today, I saw a video where a guy was talking about detachment and he said "The solution is never in the problem, so stop looking there." I struggle with anxiety and tend to obsess over the things in my life that I've lost. I often obsess and spiral over the way my life was before a bad breakup I went through that caused me to lose a bunch of friends and a job I loved. It was a huge loss all around, and even though it's been a year and a half, I still find myself fixating on the happiest moments from that life I was living and mourning the fact that I don't have that anymore and wondering why I had to lose it. That phrase from the video got me thinking... When you get stung by a bee, your brain and your body instinctively want to fix the pain immediately. Your hand subconsciously flies up to where the bee was and you swat the bee off of your arm and jump back. You decide to go inside, grab an ice pack, remove the stinger, and put some ointment on the sting. When I've been hurt emotionally, the same thing happens-- I am instinctively desperate to fix the pain. But here's where I go wrong: I hyperfixate on the thing that hurt me as if it holds the solution. I obsess over the last time I felt that happy and over those good memories as though the solution can be found in the problem. But it can't. It's like staying outside with your hand holding the bee-sting on your arm while it throbs, searching for the bee. Asking the bee why it stung you won't stop the sting from hurting. The only thing that will heal me is moving forward and lookingat the world around me for the joy and resources I need, because that's where the solution is found. It is not found in the past, with my ex, or with my old friends that no longer contact me.
Not sure if anyone will see this, but this seems like a good place for me to vent all of this.
3d ago
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Iāve always had this fascination to emotion as a concept. Of course because everyone feels it every day of their life, but more of how encapsulating it can be. I watch films and hear stories and listen to songs and I come to find myself jealous?
Jealous of how pure and raw others experiences are. Why canāt I feel the agony of losing someone, why canāt I feel the devastation of a death, why canāt I lose a friend. It sounds so starkly idiotic because why would anyone want to feel such devastating things, and Iāve asked myself this a lot, part of me thinks itāll draw more stories to tell in my life, but I think the truth of the matter is that to live is to feel. And I really want to live my life for all that it can bring me.
I write all this not to distract myself from the reality that I have in fact felt such great pain in my life. However, I always lust for more. This also feels like such a blatant explanation for my love of movies, I always feel so drawn into my love for film for itās ability to snatch my mind away from my life and place it into anotherās. My favourite films are those that have made me cry, because as painful as it is I just canāt help but love it. My favourite film is common knowledge but Call Me by Your Name draws me into such a chokehold each time I watch it because of the devastation I feel upon every watch. I never rewatch films but with it I canāt help it, because it always and forever will make me catatonic.
Anyways, I am leaving my point, my point is I am currently in a swarm of emotions from my own life and it is everything I have prayed and asked for while also not being it at all. I feel such an irresistible compulsion to break down and cry, and then I do, but I find myself listening to music and reading texts that only encourage and swell the emotional climax of these tears. In moments where I find myself urged to move on for the betterment of my day, all I can help but think about is someone I care so deeply for moving away. However, is it immature to want to move on? Why must I shun myself from these emotions. After all despite how painful it is, I find myself searching for this pain again and again.
Because to yearn is to be in pain, and to be in pain is to feel, and to feel is to live.
Mar 3, 2025
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"disclaimer I mention drOg use but in one sentence"
I am so restless.
I am infuriated at the person that I have become because of him. That he was and is still able to have an effect on me. That he is still building our life without me.
That he can move on feeling like a good person. Or what I am assuming. Even more power to him I guess.
But, when I really think about it, I never wanted that life. I donāt want to be in a house in the woods with him, miles away from anything or anyone Iāve known. And the status of legality involved is not my favorite when it comes to thoughts of building a future. I am sitting here, in my parents house, my childhood house, in my old room typing this because I am filled with anxiety. I want to let him go. I will.
I have a bad association with almost everything I enjoy because of him. Iāve been told by my sister, who is one of the most badass people I know; that I will miss him the most when I feel like shit. She is right. When I stop focusing on what I am doing, and let my thoughts drift to him, I physically start to shake. I start to doubt myself again.
I havenāt had stability in 4 years. I have been ignoring myself, my family, and the few friends I was able to make in times where I had left him. I want to take accountability; to apologize to every person Iāve talked to in the past year specifically.
I know that this will be a change, that 4 years with one other person the entire time isnāt going go away anytime soon. The mannerisms, the though processes.
I know I need to go to therapy.
He definitely taught me a lot. I know that he has made me a stronger person in odd ways. I learned more about being an āactualā adult in the emotional sense. Learned that there are a lot of things I havenāt ever thought about in good and bad ways.
That there is so much to life to love.
Funny enough that life will pass by without you noticing it.
He put me in dangerous situations, around people who wouldnāt have a second thought about our safety, isolated me from my family. Very, very toxic. I realize in moments that of course he didnāt care, why would I expect him too? Would pass judgments on everything in the world, including women around. I know way too much about his ex girlfriends. I could give example after example of his behavior but I have yelled and screamed about if for the past month to him and I am tired.
I left him for the month of December, and went back because he had sweet talked me, made me feel heard and understood in what I wanted from him. And I found out he had already slept with another girl and wanted no one to have access to him vice versa. Not my smartest move. I blacked out most of January due to recent physical health issues caused by stress, painkillers, marijuana, alcohol, and a miscarriage. We fought most of February, and I was silent most of march until the end.
i started this because I was so anxious and I wasnāt acknowledging why. I forget how much Iāve been through. Definitely not as bad as some peopleās situation.
And I just got a call from my little sister which reminded me, that I have so much to be grateful for.
The anxiety comes in waves, I know its because i currently canāt remember most of my past. I donāt know what to do with all the memories. But I think this is a good start.
Day by day I am told. if you read this thank you its my anxiety vomit.
Apr 6, 2025
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I don't like pain. I've spent much of my life trying to avoid pain, reduce pain, mitigate pain.
Many hours have been wasted on efforts to distract, ignore, escape, and numb.
But lately I'm accepting that it can't be avoided. Pain will always be with meāusāin one form or another. Loss, grief, wounds from family, betrayal by friends, sickness, misunderstanding, the whole world one great glorious minefield for pain.
And pain is also often an indicator, a teacher, a directional arrow. (Not always. Sometimes it is a terrible guide.) But I ignore its lessons at my peril!
So. How then do I live so as not to be crushed?
Perhaps: us.
We're going to hurt, so let us hurt in community. Not to swim in the muck of self-pity, wallowing as perpetual victims unable to escape the morass of circumstance, but as co-sufferers whose companionship gives hope. We lament together and hurt together and its really awful but then I dry your tears and you dry mine and there's strength in your eyes and in my words and we dust off and link arms and stumble forward.
Dec 15, 2024
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I went on a good date with a good guy tonight. He makes senseā heās kind and normal and opens the doors for me and my family would love him. He got me sunflowers last week. There was a sense of peace about the whole thingā¦ I didnāt feel my heart racing or manically tug at my dress to hide my stomach. It was easy, it was natural.
Iām 22 and I remember when I was 20 and I went on a date with a watchmaker in Paris. He was wild and I felt like I had known him forever. My heart was flying out of me, we drank wine on the Seine and he kissed me silly under the Eiffel Tower then we ran through the metro stations holding hands and listening to Heroes by David Bowie, one airpod each. I was so alive, I was a kid, I was love. The watchmaker ended up hurting me with a surprising indifference and we donāt talk anymore. The cruel joke of it all is that I will always compare every date I go on to that one. That perfect date where I was stupid and a child and beautiful and in love all of a sudden.
Now Iām 22, my frontal lobe is threatening to develop, and Iām anxiously looking over my shoulder at that wild, sparkly feeling, wondering if itās worth peace to leave it in the past.
Iāve decided that Iām not going to leave it in the past, but maybe put it in my back pocket and try to give this new thing (peace and stability) a chance, having no idea what might happen with it. All I know is that I might realize I fucked it up and have to let go of this sweet guyās hand at the wrong moment and fuck it up because the feeling in my back pocket is too precious and I must find it again. I like to believe that as long as Iāve been honest with him that Iām lost and can be a moron and never know what I want because I want everything at once, at least he wonāt be blindsided. So Iāll put new, fresh water in the jar of sunflowers today, and remind myself that the watchmaker left me on opened a year ago.
2d ago