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An uncomfortable liminal space between teenage years and true adulthood. Me personally, I don’t know what the fuck I am doing but I’m trying my best. I don’t have any more time to figure out “who I am” or what I want to do. I need to do whatever it is that I need to do and if it changes, it changes. There is a pit in my stomach when I make mistakes, as if I’ve just monumentally fucked everything up. I hope I can look back and recognize that the things I struggle with now have gotten easier. That has to be the case if I keep trying. Nothing I feel is original and that is comforting.
May 24, 2025
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anti rec because what the fuck am i doing😭😭😭 but also i’m learning and growing in so many unforseen ways this is so complicated i love life it’s all so beautifully connected this is actually crazy
Feb 10, 2025
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This could change when I hit 40 (lmao), but the older I get, the more confident I know who I am. I feel more and more sure of myself, and less and less concerned with how others view me.
My life is my own, and comparing it to other's is a disservice to myself and the path I'm now on.
Do I still experience guilt, regrets, doubt? Of course I do.
Do I know what I'm doing with my life? I might have less of a clue than I did in my twenties.
Do I still feel like a weird little freak, like I did in my teens? Hell yeah, some stuff just never changes.
I still enjoy things I loved as a child, like video games, Pokemon, stuffed animals, and giggling.
I still enjoy things I loved as a teen, like pop punk music, being annoying, and singing whenever the mood strikes.
I still enjoy things I loved in college, like dancing enthusiastically, writing amateurish poetry, and crushing on women who will never, ever be into me.
But now I'm just...30. More health issues. More scars. More silvery hairs that sparkle in the sun like some vampiric trope made real.
But also...more memories that sweeten with time. More time spent in awe and revelry. More reveling in the beauty of nature. More of my own innate nature revealed to me as I sit with myself more, alone.
I feel thirty, flirty, and thriving. I also feel as a child, as a teen, as a drunken young adult, bumbling around without knowing if what I'm doing is right.
I'm just doing my best. That's all you really can do; embrace how you are now, and how you are tomorrow, and again, and again, and again.
May 13, 2024
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Life is fucking confusing, and every want comes with a doubt.
As far as I can tell, your 20s (I’m 27) are about cobbling together a life while wondering if you should blow it all up. And then someday, hopefully, you fall in love with yourself (or something) and that love becomes a foundation for everything else.
I know people who have built things up and torn them down, people who have made irrevocable choices, people who are coasting. I want all of their lives, sometimes, because I’m sick of the choices I made. I think that’s just fear of commitment, and not taking good care of myself—but who knows, maybe I’m about to make some choices for the plot.
The people who seem to have it all figured out may be crumbling beneath the surface (me irl). The ones I trust the most know how to look around and say “there but for the grace of god go I.” You‘re never too old to let whatever you’ve been collecting slip through your fingers and choose again.
Jul 11, 2024
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I only have two friends. They are both my best friends. My best girl friend and my boyfriend. I had a good day, I feel I could cry. We all came together and made necklaces with beads. They just left. It's so beautiful, this is what I love about life. When your best friend and your man love each other too, like on a sibling level, also considering each other best friends, it is so fucking special. Us 3 against the world, I mean that so seriously lol. We all support each other through anything and share the exact same humor, why would I need more friends? I'm not necessarily opposed to it but I haven't felt a longing for more friends in so, so long.
Apr 18, 2025
6d ago