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It's a quiet habit Ive picked up along this whole "waiting for my life to start" ordeal.
I sit on the porch with a pack, reveling in the unusually cold winds and still quiet of suburbia, only sirens and the occasional bark cutting through.
Stewing in some thought, I guess. It's not a healthy habit, the opposite, but it keeps me from being entirely in of my own mind past 10 pm. An escape from the drivel of waiting for my move, waiting for something to finally be worth the trouble.
May 7, 2025
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at a house party, some friday night in january.
“no smoking in the house,” they said, “but you can out there” my gaze drifts to the open door, smoke spilling out into the next room. it mingles with led lights. swirling blue and purple in the hazy air.
i’m perched on the edge of the couch, in the corner by the door. my belt is too tight now that i’m sitting. i feel it dig into the thin skin that stretches across my hipbones. my mouth is dry, and my head is spinning a little.
i curled my hair tonight, and wore lingerie with my carhartt jacket. i am 19 years old and sometimes i remember i am pretty.
Feb 17, 2025
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And that question runs in my head 24/7
Like seriously, what do you do if you are not smoking ?
I’m literally trying to quit but what kills me is the boredom of it !
Break from work ? Smoke
Sitting in a cafe ? Smoke
Finished two chapters ? Smoke
Finished showering ? Smoke
Waiting for a friend? Smoke
How none smoker spend their time without getting bored ? 🥲🥲
Mar 7, 2025
Ever since I quit nicotine I don't deprive myself of a cigarette when I feel like I really need it. So it hits different, because when my emotional state is low all it takes is a cig break to feel like I'm confronting whatever it is that's weighing me down. This system is fool-proof. Sometimes I think I'm low enough for a cigarette then decide I'm not quite sad enough. So when I do smoke it's because I'm crying & absolutely losing it. Because my smoke breaks are spontaneous, I can't quite plan for them, leading to unfinished packs & a plethora of lighters. Funny enough, each lighter coincides with whatever was making me feel awful that day making it a journal of sorts for my feelings. My fav is the "take me with you" lighter because well.. I really related to that when I bought it. There's also something really protagonist-y about walking into a gas station, eyes puffy & tears streaming down your face & asking for a pack of camel menthols ... oh & a swag lighter.
Sep 19, 2024
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May 10, 2025
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my job is watching movies and getting paid but sometimes it does get annoying to watch the same thing 3 times a day so i just sneak out and fuck around in the parking lot roof until i either get kicked out or someone notices im out. clerksmaxxing
May 7, 2025
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I thought this would suck and I'd hate it, especially since its for an event I could care less for but need to go to nonetheless, but woah.
It's great to start my day this early.
The streets are relatively empty, the sun is still beginning its climb upward, the heat isn't unbearable just yet. It's calm, it's nice.
I'm going to regret this by midday when I'm trudging the city with another dull headache but for now, it ain't half bad.
May 9, 2025