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at a house party, some friday night in january.  “no smoking in the house,” they said, “but you can out there” my gaze drifts to the open door, smoke spilling out into the next room. it mingles with led lights. swirling blue and purple in the hazy air.  i’m perched on the edge of the couch, in the corner by the door. my belt is too tight now that i’m sitting. i feel it dig into the thin skin that stretches across my hipbones. my mouth is dry, and my head is spinning a little.  i curled my hair tonight, and wore lingerie with my carhartt jacket. i am 19 years old and sometimes i remember i am pretty. 
Feb 17, 2025

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just the beginning of a recent journal entry..
Feb 17, 2025
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It's a quiet habit Ive picked up along this whole "waiting for my life to start" ordeal. I sit on the porch with a pack, reveling in the unusually cold winds and still quiet of suburbia, only sirens and the occasional bark cutting through. Stewing in some thought, I guess. It's not a healthy habit, the opposite, but it keeps me from being entirely in of my own mind past 10 pm. An escape from the drivel of waiting for my move, waiting for something to finally be worth the trouble.
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not good for your health but good for your soul. meeting up outside after my shift and this one guy wordlessly offering me his lit cigarette because he knows. we are connecting and it’s the ‘casual intimacy of sharing something that touches your lips’ or what have you
Oct 29, 2024
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i've been dressing like a cigarette mom lately. it's freeing.
Feb 28, 2025

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