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why have friends? because they make life slightly less miserable. they give me something to look forward to everyday. our stupid conservations about whatever bs springs up are so much fun and i enjoy them so much.Ā
lots of my feelings lately have been related to my friends and iāve unfortunately found myself questioning my status as friends with these people because of how little i talk to them. i see them at most twice a day and talk to them at most twice a day. i also barely talk to them outside of school.
how about instead of sitting here and panicking about not having any friends, letās look at my friendships with the four people i call friends
letās start with my best friend (she/they). iāve known her since first grade when we met at summer camp. her and i have been best friends ever since. we used to be inseparable. recently tho, really throughout our high school careers, i feel like our friendship has kinda diminished. her and i really are just goofy together, we arenāt serious. (they legitimately told me how they donāt trust me with stuff thatās really dark and deep). which, as much as it hurts that she doesnāt trust me with stuff, itās just how our relationship has come along. she only sees me as goofy and unserious, which is a large part of my personality, but i CAN be serious if needed. its just that i try to keep things on the light and positive side. when we hang out (which is happening less and less lately), itās just absolute bs and them gushing over their boyfriend. which, i donāt mind. i just like that weāre hanging out and being silly together.Ā
next is a friend i think is insane but also super funny. (she/her (she calls herself an āamorphous blobā and i love it). sheās annoying as hell, itās actually insufferable. but most of the time sheās tolerable. sheās an english and history and philosophy nerd, so she constantly talks about some book she read or yaps about the French Revolution or complains about the sentence length of theĀ Communist Manifesto. but iām a math and science nerd. really, we donāt have much in common when it comes to our interests. but weāre smart people with interdisciplinary interests. sheās also just a good person to talk with. yes, sometimes she gets very intense, but most of the time sheās a good person. iāve told her some things i havenāt told anyone else (not actually true but sheās the one iāve talked about it the most with) and sheās always open to listen to me complain and always willing to give advice. (and the same goes with me to her).
sheās really not as bad as i make her out to be. weāve all got our quirks, hers are just slightly more obvious and annoying than othersā, but sheās good people.
third is a friend iāve made this year (she/her). i have memories of her from last year, but i became friends with her this year because sheās friends with my second friend and bc we have Stats and Lunch together. and sheās a good mix of everything. sheās more of an english/art nerd, but sheās not insufferable about it. sheās very level-headed and a good person to talk with. i really enjoy our conversations. sheās listened to me complain about my Boy Problems and has given my very good advice on how to handle it. honestly i kinda feel bad not having more to add about her, but sheās just one of those people who you just get (and who gets you) and doesnāt need a long description because they are just a good friend.Ā
and last of the people i consider my actual friends is my only friend that is a boy (he/they). i feel like he and i arenāt actually really friends compared to how im friends with the three previously mentioned people, but i still like to call them my friend. idk theyāre just fun to talk with (when i rarely talk with them). ok the more iām thinking about this, the more i really question the evidence i have to call him my friend. i see him at most twice a day, and talk to them maybe one of those times. and just- idk itās weird.Ā
(this has happened twice a couple of months ago and has not happened since) iād post a note on instagram about sumn and heād reply with some random response, iād have really nothing to reply with, iād like his text, and thatās it. we donāt talk about it again. or sometimes heād randomly bring up something that happened to him, which i really donāt mind. actually it doesnāt happen as often as i would like. I LIKE TALKING WITH HIM. BUT WE RARELY TALK BECAUSE WE HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT. the longest conversation we had was about a school project into college financial aid.Ā
ok well, sometimes we do math together because we both like math. (weāre nerds, i know)Ā
itās annoying being in this weird limbo. i feel like i canāt talk to him without making it awkward.
ok well so me and friends 2,3, and 4 make up what i call the ālunch crewā (bc we do lunch together) and honestly we have some of the best conversations when weāre all together. like weāre talking about the most random shit and sharing some semi-personal details (our sexualities) and i really appreciate how we feel comfortable with each other that we can share things like that.
oh acquaintances. i should mention the people im friendly with (im friendly with everyone (well, most people)) but im not FRIENDS with everyone. iāve got some people in my classes i talk to.Ā
iāve got one girl in my Calc III class that i enjoy talking to. she always asks me how my morning has been and we be goofy about calculus together. honestly i kinda miss her when she isnāt there :(
and iāve got a sophomore i once had one sided beef with but i honestly now admire him. heās incredible at his instrument, and yes ofc being overshadowed by a kid thatās younger than you is annoying, but ive made peace with it and now i really enjoy seeing him work his magic. if he doesnāt get into Juilliard, im gonna pissed. iām sincerely rooting for this kid.Ā
āWhy Canāt We Be Friendsā is such a perfect song for this post. the singer is hoping to be friends with whoever heās singing to, and iām hoping to be friends with my friends and make new friends. i mean my relationships are a little less dire and more established than the relationship in the song, but the gist is there. lyrics aside - the song is just goofy. 50% is āwhy canāt we be friends?ā, 50% is that weird psychedelic funk shit iāve come to enjoy. i could have picked the original version by War, but the upbeat, faster tempo and the general wackiness of the Smash Mouth version i think just fits my situation better. (both versions are still weird as hell. what are these lyrics???)
i mean i talk to people. iām not a complete loner. i know i donāt really come off like it, and i certainly like my alone time (and often do prefer it), but i really do enjoy company. like, i went to europe on a āclassā trip over spring break. and we went to pubs a couple times to watch a soccer game. now, i donāt care for soccer one bit, but i still enjoyed the experience because i was with my peers.
despite all of this, i donāt know anyone outside of school. i barely know anyone outside of the 5 people i see everyday. i hear people all āoh i was talking with so and soā but how the hell do you start conversations that last and are meaningful? how can i initiate conversations without fearing for being annoying or bothering? i never know how i can start conversations and not feel bad about being a nuisance.Ā
so this whole rant comes from graduation coming in not even two months (oh god) and how ill probably never see these people again. i talked with my dad about this, and heās actually still best friends with one of his friends from high school 35 years later, and he says that friendship is a two way street. if you want to be friends, you have to try. so i hope to be able to keep in touch with these people after graduation and into college, but im scared everything is gonna get too much and weāll lose contact.Ā
but such is life, i suppose. you gain friends, you lose friends. but im gonna hold onto my friends as long as i can. (you canāt get rid of me that easily)Ā
1d ago
Related Recs
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hi, i have very little friends, which most i donāt always get to talk to frequently.
i feel like i do not hold significance in other peopleās lives, and it makes me wonder what is wrong with me and why is it difficult for me to sustain friendships in which i donāt have to question them or spiral over my interactions with. i wonder if iāll ever get to a point in being able to act and talk freely with a friend without concern and have my presence be enjoyed. for now, it feels like i am chasing dying sparks. how do people have their people?
Feb 25, 2025
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This piece really spoke to me, and as recently as 2 weeks ago. My bestie (other friends) and I are just in very different phases of life. She had been busy raising a family and I had far more time on my hands. I had understood, of cos. But still I resented that I had 'lost' a cherished long time friend, I knew in my head, that it's entirely legit that she is busy. And she had felt she had nothing to contribute to our friendship since her stories are all about babies and kids. But after looking around for substitutes and other activities - actually found no one/anything that has any semblance of what we had. So I decided to just call her and just made that reconnection again. I had accepted that 10 mins of her time daily far outweighs 10 hours of someone I don't connect with or have no fond history with.
This doesn't just apply to friendships I realise. Because building and maintaining relationships takes actual work. I mean you both have to want to. And you have to have tradeoffs. You can't be rigid, and you can't get all your needs met... But what I learned, is this agreement to still call and leave messages, text back and forth. We had to try different modes and different ways. Previously I also got really upset when I finally got hold of the person, and start off with angry accusations. This too didn't work, because he would get pissed because I was pissed. We still don't have it pat-down (friends/relationships) but my changed perspective did help, especially for me.
https://www.wsj.com/lifestyle/relationships/friendship-maintaining-healthy-relationships-text-calls-memes-5e66e221?st=2jl247gjqb814wr&reflink=desktopwebshare_permalink&utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email
Apr 10, 2024
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Speaking to a friendship aspect: finding my people was initially exhilarating. Being seen and accepted, feeling joyful and excited to spend time together, feeling like a team in the world rather than competitors are all things my first experiences with my best friends felt like. But there were also points where we pissed each other off or hurt each other or grew apart. what set apart these Friendships was being able to talk about it and wanting to be open about our hurt or anger. We reciprocally put in work to stay connected. I could trust my friends would listen to me and try to do better. i could Also trust that I would be forgiven when I needed to do better. To this day, they are the most transformative relationships Iāve had in adulthood and Iām always so grateful for them.
Feb 18, 2025
Top Recs from @jill_m56
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ive recently been inspired by a friend to actually share my feelings. not in a silly, self-deprecating way anymore, but in a āiād like to talk to someone who would actually listenā serious way.
heās got a blog on here too, and yes, heās literally promoting it and itās out to the public, but it still feels weird to read bc it is such a personal thing.
but i think thereās beauty in sharing personal feelings like that. ive been joking saying im just exposing myself, but releasing these feelings is what i need. i need to learn to open up and stop bottling everything up and pretending im ok
(side note - i actually have no ideaĀ what ok actually is. sometimes i think i am actually fine and happy, that these are just regular people problems, that sometimes im just blowing this out of proportion. but sometimes i also think these problems shouldnāt be minimized and that talking with someone (either a journal like this, a friend or trusted adult, or a legit therapist) would significantly benefit me)Ā
and before anyone goes saying ājUsT tAlK tO a THerApiStā iām seriously considering it. iām just trying other alternatives before i commit to something. plus my last attempts at therapy did not inspire confidence in the practice.Ā
iāve got a journal iāve been writing in for nearly nine months now, and while it is nice to write, idk i feel like screaming into the void and maybe someone who feels the same way i do seeing this will make it feel even better. plus im too stingy with the way i have my journal set up. itās more to just document my day with the occasional feelings (or 6 pages worth of feelings), but this blog is for long-form, organized feelings. (plus typing is much nicer than writing by hand for longer things like this)
iām also gonna try and remember to add songs recs (the entire reason for this app, right?) that vaguely correspond with the content of the post.Ā
recently, iāve added A LOT of songs to my playlist. most notably āBasket Caseā by Green Day. itās been on repeat lately. it kinda just matches the confusion and chaos yet self awareness iāve been feeling recently. iām not the best at music analysis (which also is kinda the point of this app ._.) so iāll just say: i just like everything about it. itās relatable, itās fun (take that with a grain of salt, but ykwim), itās catchy. itās a good song to belt out when im home alone and feel like singing something with deep meaning behind itĀ
(pls donāt come at me for not being able to analyze lyrics. iām not smart enough for that) (ok there i go againĀ on my ownĀ putting myself down. but what i mean is im just not good at analyzing literature and stuff)
ok well im looking through my friendās blog that inspired all this, and he goes a lot more into the music rec part (which, again, the point of this app), with the feelings tied in. but theyāre also a huge music nerd and iām not. and a large part of why im doing this is the catharsis with the music recs as a secondary priority. (tbf we all probably already know and love āBasket Caseā)
but idk yāall are weird. i saw someone just recommend their cat so. (tbf, i recommend my cats too). i mean the big recommendation for this post is expressing feelings and not bottling them up. itās really helpful just getting it all out.
anywhooooo,Ā
i like yapping, in case it wasnāt obvious. and if i do it like this itās faceless to a bunch of people who will a) never see it or b) never know who i am or c) not care or d) relate to my problems and give some good advice and tell me im not alone.Ā
ok this is already doing its job. im enjoying writing this shit down. itās cathartic! i feel so much better just getting these feelings out and not bottling them up!
3d ago
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psychedelic depression core
6d ago