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I spent about a week and a half feeling so fucking exhausted that I was falling asleep while sitting at my desk at work and averaged like 3,000 steps per day. Felt like I was actually passing away from exhaustion.
Woke up at 6am today, went to an appointment, got a coffee and breakfast sandwich, chatted with friends, watched some critical role, rearranged my shelves in my room, hung a bunch of shit up on the walls, cleaned out my junk drawers, did all my laundry, and showered. I feel alive again.
Then the cycle will repeat next month.
Apr 23, 2025
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😃
I’ve had an exhaustive year that put my energy and circadian rhythm off balance. now I’ve been following what’s natural to me for long enough to actually feel amazingly better, do exercise, cardio and a short walk each day do constant acts of creativity (design, writing, development, cooking) I even manage to swim and hit the beach, read, play video games and watch films. living the life I love, finally
Jun 10, 2025
📊
I started off with an amazing sleeper car train trip to Santa Barbara and had probably the best solo vacation of my adult life. I read a bunch, rode an e-bike around, watched the scenery pass by from the train.
After I got back, I didn't give myself proper time to recuperate and just kept going. Which started out fine, but then I burnt myself out training for a new position at work and ultimately caught a case of we're all doomed anxiety that I'm still recovering from
I switched therapists, got a cat (yay Tomato), and reevaluated what made me so happy from February-April. I've given myself a goal of not doomscrolling, letting myself exist in peace instead of finding things to worry about.
Jul 1, 2025
this might be weird, because it seems everyone on this app is incredibly well adjusted, if not just a little odd. i am coming off (i hope) of an almost three week depressive episode, during which i have not run (longest period in two years), watched excessive amounts of (shitty) netflix, and eaten so poorly that i no longer crave vegetables or fruits (this is the most disappointing and surprising). every single thought that i’ve had during this time has been about how it is entirely impossible for me to get out of bed, and that i will never be myself again. i’ve gained an impressive amount of weight, so much so that i hope to god i’m just being overly critical of myself. my skin has dried out, my floors are dusty, and i have more laundry to do than i feel is humanly possible. these past few weeks, my brain has been a miserable place to be.
but today, i got up. i went to learn how to make couscous at a friend’s house, watched as she manned the burners with cartoonish dexterity. hot water rippled into pots, spices flashed in the air, fresh vegetables perfumed the kitchen. we cooked, ate, and hung out with her family until i had to go home and clean for a friend coming in from out of town. it was lovely and cloudy on the walk home. i always miss the sky when i bedrot, and try to at least make it to my roof for sunset and stick my head out the window for sunrise. when i got home, i sat for a little while holding my cat before working. does anyone else do this to try and regulate their mood? i then washed dishes, fixed my broken washing machine, and scrubbed floors until the friend arrived. it’s nice to have a clean house. everyone knows it, so how is it so bloody hard to keep up?
tonight, i went for a walk. i wanted to run, but didn’t intend or expect to get far. i put on a quick one before the eternal worm devours connecticut on repeat. starting slow, feeling the cold. frosty air fogged my glasses. after half a mile, endorphines began to flood my mind. things seemed possible. i could keep running, and, by extension, i could get myself out of this bedrotting cycle. i just kept running, slowly. a mile. keep going. slowly. i usually turn around at 1.5 to make a rough 5k, but i hit 1.75 and wanted to keep on. it was 2 before i decided to turn around. don’t stop. keep going. feel the cold. feel the sweat in your hands, think about the fog that has settled over the town and it’s ugly white lights. i just kept going, trying to push myself to each next landmark. i ended up doing four miles without stopping, something not unheard of, but certainly an achievement for me.
i understand that this might seem stupid and indulgent. but i just want it to be here. i need to mark it down, write it out, prove that i can get better. i can pull myself out of these doldrums. and anyone can. it’s trite and its true. dishes, laundry, and taxes never end, but we do them because we have to. because it’s pleasant to have clean hair and sunlight on your skin. brushed teeth and charged batteries. these responsibilities also help make us feel good. i know this period of inactivity and neglect is not going to be easy to move past, but i will. because i want to feel good. so, even though it seems stupid sometimes, i am going to go on a run tomorrow. i will wash my face and eat some protein. one day at a time, i will get better. my dms are open for anyone struggling or anyone who just wants to talk ❤️🔥
Oct 25, 2024
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Apr 16, 2025
You don't always have to be doing something productive or creative. Sometimes it is okay to just take a step back and exist.
May 24, 2025
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I've posted about this once before and will post about it again, I'm sure. One of the things that I have noticed since getting letterboxed last year is how afraid people are to admit they like something. that new animated k-pop movie on netflix made me notice this again when three of the people that I have on there prefaced their reviews with a variant of "i consumed this ironically, but it was actually kind of good..."
...LAME... and a little bit pathetic to see tbh.
We really need to remember that you only live once. just fucking enjoy the stuff you like, and stop asking the world for permission and acceptance to do so! being so afraid of what others will think when you post a review under a kid's movie is more cringe than admitting you like a kid's movie.
2d ago