Rec | GOING JUST A LITTLE FURTHER

Rec

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this might be weird, because it seems everyone on this app is incredibly well adjusted, if not just a little odd. i am coming off (i hope) of an almost three week depressive episode, during which i have not run (longest period in two years), watched excessive amounts of (shitty) netflix, and eaten so poorly that i no longer crave vegetables or fruits (this is the most disappointing and surprising). every single thought that i’ve had during this time has been about how it is entirely impossible for me to get out of bed, and that i will never be myself again. i’ve gained an impressive amount of weight, so much so that i hope to god i’m just being overly critical of myself. my skin has dried out, my floors are dusty, and i have more laundry to do than i feel is humanly possible. these past few weeks, my brain has been a miserable place to be.
but today, i got up. i went to learn how to make couscous at a friend’s house, watched as she manned the burners with cartoonish dexterity. hot water rippled into pots, spices flashed in the air, fresh vegetables perfumed the kitchen. we cooked, ate, and hung out with her family until i had to go home and clean for a friend coming in from out of town. it was lovely and cloudy on the walk home. i always miss the sky when i bedrot, and try to at least make it to my roof for sunset and stick my head out the window for sunrise. when i got home, i sat for a little while holding my cat before working. does anyone else do this to try and regulate their mood? i then washed dishes, fixed my broken washing machine, and scrubbed floors until the friend arrived. it’s nice to have a clean house. everyone knows it, so how is it so bloody hard to keep up?
tonight, i went for a walk. i wanted to run, but didn’t intend or expect to get far. i put on a quick one before the eternal worm devours connecticut on repeat. starting slow, feeling the cold. frosty air fogged my glasses. after half a mile, endorphines began to flood my mind. things seemed possible. i could keep running, and, by extension, i could get myself out of this bedrotting cycle. i just kept running, slowly. a mile. keep going. slowly. i usually turn around at 1.5 to make a rough 5k, but i hit 1.75 and wanted to keep on. it was 2 before i decided to turn around. don’t stop. keep going. feel the cold. feel the sweat in your hands, think about the fog that has settled over the town and it’s ugly white lights. i just kept going, trying to push myself to each next landmark. i ended up doing four miles without stopping, something not unheard of, but certainly an achievement for me.
i understand that this might seem stupid and indulgent. but i just want it to be here. i need to mark it down, write it out, prove that i can get better. i can pull myself out of these doldrums. and anyone can. it’s trite and its true. dishes, laundry, and taxes never end, but we do them because we have to. because it’s pleasant to have clean hair and sunlight on your skin. brushed teeth and charged batteries. these responsibilities also help make us feel good. i know this period of inactivity and neglect is not going to be easy to move past, but i will. because i want to feel good. so, even though it seems stupid sometimes, i am going to go on a run tomorrow. i will wash my face and eat some protein. one day at a time, i will get better. my dms are open for anyone struggling or anyone who just wants to talk ❤️‍🔥

@dailey

Oct 25, 2024

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@haydens

that post-depressive episode clarity where you're just watching your friends do things and it's so beautiful is an amazing feeling

Oct 29, 2024

@memoryquilt

re-rec’ing this post to read when i’m feeling down in the dumps and need some grounding. i’ve been having some high highs and some really low lows lately, and i’ve been struggling to find a happy medium, but i feel so reassured by your words and you’ve reminded me that this is a gradual process, not linear at all. thank you for your vulnerability <3 these are words to live by, truly!

Oct 27, 2024

@marianoleonczik

This was incredible. Thank you for being transparent. God knows if more people were willing to share as openly as you did, there would be many less people feeling alone today. Thank you so much for this!!! Saving it for when I know I’ll need to reference it for myself.

Oct 27, 2024

@dailey

marianoleonczik shucks it’s no biggie. just writing about my misery. if this is important than my journal is some kind of holy text. i just appreciate that it resonates with folks. sometimes i get so in my head that i forget other people go through shit too. <3

Oct 27, 2024

@veronjque

What you wrote really moved me to my core. I believe that any space in which we have the possibility of sharing ourselves, leads us to want to show always what shines most, because being vulnerable and open is like saying: "hey, look, the wound is here, but please don’t hurt me". You have done a great thing, which perhaps will not seem so great to you, in sharing all this. I was moved because I saw myself in your words, at some point it felt like looking in a mirror. In every detail I felt a burning truth and the urge for you to tell your truth. And…to tell the truth, it takes a lot of strength. Often those who have difficulties with issues related to mental health are perceived as fragile, and instead we are anything but fragile, because we show ourselves punctually every time that we are able to get up, rise from numbness and pain and show up for ourselves. Thank you. Thank you very much for sharing. Keep going, much love 🫂

Oct 27, 2024

@dailey

veronjque thanks, yourself! i talk about what i know, which is admittedly, very little. i’m just lucky someone enjoys it. ❤️‍🔥

Oct 27, 2024

@harmanzworldd

ugh being struck by the mental plague… when your body forces you to stop with no real desire but to churn and burn…. sat in bed for 3 hrs today dreading getting up and doing what I set out to do.. This was a lovely read, and excuritatingly relatable. The pulse of optimism after a grey-area hurdle of life made me run right there alongside with you. you are so capable! thank you for this reminder 💌

Oct 26, 2024

@mossyelfie

Thank you for sharing 💗 and please keep on sharing! So many of us can relate, even we’re not there right now

Oct 26, 2024

@sofe

Like others have said, this is very beautiful and relatable. for my part, I am NOT well adjusted- I think I try to format my recs as aspirations of the best version of me, but the version of me recommending all those mentally healthy things is not always following them. it’s nice to see someone on here talking about it. Keep on keeping on ☄️

Oct 26, 2024

@mattshawsome

You put it out there and marked it down: well done. Appreciate the authenticity of this share. No doubt everyone on this platform has certain struggles, internal and external, that make them (us) feel like we're missing it in ways that others aren't. It's just hard to unmask and put yourself out there. Thanks for courageously showing the way.

Oct 26, 2024

@lilli2000

You can be so proud of yourself! ⭐️ I relate to this so much and the way you describe it brings up a familiar feeling. I’ve been struggling with depression on and off for 9 years. I know the feeling of getting out and falling back in. I always had the feeling of: why is everything so hard for me. After 8 years of struggling I was diagnosed with ADD which explains a lot. And I haven’t been depressed in over a year which is crazy. But everytime autumn comes I’m scared of the sadness but last year it didn’t come and this year it didn’t come. And at some point it will be different. But always cut yourself slack. And celebrate these wins. To me this sometimes felt stupid but it’s so important. I brushed my teeth, I left my bed, these are big things. And it sounds like you did a lot! So celebrate in whatever way you can. I’m celebrating you from a far :)) sending lots of love and strength! You for sure can do it!

Oct 25, 2024

@dailey

lilli2000 why is it so hard is such a real but also victimizing question. i hate framing it as such, because it puts me on rocky ground. first i’m asking why i cant do it, then why i got dealt the hand, then i’m a blubbering mess over the same traumatic circumstances that comedically repeat themselves in my life every year or so. i gotta learn to stop asking myself and just accept that it is. and keep accepting it every day. im so glad you ride the wave this year, and it didn’t tower over you. autumn is so important, when the trees light into the different reds and yellows, and the rain pitter patters on windows and wets the roads. it shouldn’t be a time for melancholy, but sometimes it is. i hope next year i’ll feel like you. thank you so much for sharing. i’m really relieved someone relates to this mess.

Oct 25, 2024

@lilli2000

dailey yes definitely. I think the key realisation is that even if it is hard for me to do life as other people do it so what. Firstly it doesn’t have to be that way and secondly maybe then instead of it getting you down you can also think “despite it being hard for me I went outside, cleaned my room etc.” and turn the self pity around. Why me is a question I think we often can’t help but ask. And I think in a way the victim role is a very comfortable one it’s a passive one. But once I let go of that and also of depression as part of who I am thats when things really turned around. Sounds to me like you are on a really good way and also remember you don’t have to do everything alone! Thank youu also for sharing this in such an honest way!

Oct 26, 2024

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hey hey!!!!!! i’m so glad youre here! i went on another run tonight. let me tell you about it. my knee hurts, i tweaked it last night, but i started nice and steady. i like to run at night, often late, so a 1 am run is not out of the ordinary for me.
i usually take a road by my house that leads out of town until the streetlights stop. if it’s not yet sunset, i’ll go another mile or so along the road before turning back at nightfall. on my lucky days, the sky paints itself rosy, and wisps of clouds turn alight with oranges and reds. that, juxtaposed against the brightest blue imaginable makes for a pretty picture to distract myself from whatever pain boils in whatever part of my body. i have endometriosis, so oftentimes when i work out, i’ll cramp in ways that would humble a god.
so i enjoy watching the sun tuck itself into the ground. my favorite part is undoubtedly the brilliant magenta color that only comes if the clouds are at just the right elevation. after the sun drops to wherever it’s needed next, and the rest of the sky’s blues deepen, ultimately saturating the ochre hues right along the horizon, i turn around. show’s over, i gotta get home.
but, when i’m out past 11, and the sky is clear, the farthest point is where i stop and turn my head to the heavens.
i’m lucky to live on the edge of a national park and in close proximity to total darkness. the stars here are fantastic. many nights, i’ll wander a little off the road and lay down to stargaze. the faint outline of the milky way, precious cosmic glitter; i’ve loved all of it since i was little.
anyway, tonight, i got out to where the street lamps ended, but something stopped me. i took off my headphones and just stood there, listening. i gazed up, stunned by the beauty of the stars. after more than a few minutes spent in awe, i saw something small trot across the road behind me. its tail was unmistakable. a fox, silent as night, the first one i had seen since i was a child. it sailed through the trees by the road, pausing every so often to smell around or investigate a patch of ground. it’s always shocking to me, how quiet it gets out there. even the wind, that slices right through my two jackets, makes no noise. unmistakably eery, probably sacred, and known only to me. i am so incredibly fortunate. it’s the kind of thing you find when you disregard everyone entirely; having an idea, and executing it, no thought to if it’s fucking insane or not.
i continued back along the lit road, taking a detour on a dark offshoot to elongate my run. the stars shone there too, but near the end of the street the shadows configured too darkly, the trees lining the sidewalk felt as if they were entombing rather than accompanying me. so, i called my brother and breathlessly caught up with him, as i turned around once more to make my way home. and i saw a shooting star!
so there. fox and shooting star. because i was a pussy and didn’t press my luck during one of my (admittedly questionable) daily habits. i love them! i’m going to keep them in my brain like a keychain. a fox and a shooting star jingling next to my house key. isn’t that lovely.

@dailey

Oct 27, 2024