woke up from a dream where my friend died, so i came into the day emotionally weird. took the train to see the fall leaves in a small town + pick up some CDs off facebook marketplace. i wrote my friend (who did not actually die) a long letter about how much i love them & just noticed so much life around me. golden hour on the train back while i listened to one of my favorite albums, it finished right as i got off the train and the sun set over the boston common. iām not always certain that i feel the love iām supposed to, but some days iām overflowing with it. you just have to ride the waves i guess
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the other day i went out to an unfinished nuclear plant with some old highschool friends. we cut a hole in the fence and ran to one of the massive, truly massive cooling towers. it was terrifyingly big, like really, seriously, huge. it was my third time there and definitely had not lost any of its effect on me. the four of us stood underneath it for a good forty minutes. looking up through the top to see the last touch of sunset resting on the rim, and later planets. we stood there for long stretches of silence until someone would shift their weight and the crunch of a couple pebbles underfoot would echo so loud and clear we could all hear it.
we sang there in the echo beneath the tower until it was totally dark.
later, in the front seat of my best friendās car as we played american football i cried. i donāt think anyone noticed, i think they were busy with whatever they were thinking about. i cried because of how long i had gone wanting this feeling. that i hadnāt seen these old friends in months and had been struggling to meet anyone i felt could be the kind of people i wanted to really love like i did my friends from highschool.
i want people to love so badly, to go to a sketchy abandoned nuclear plant and watch the sunset and sing together. we forget how long it takes to make friends like that i guess. itās only been one semester, and i shouldnāt let that be me down.
i love you all so much :)
Jan 29, 2025
Sometimes it just pops out of nowhere, sometimes itās just a passing memory and sometimes out of the blue I feel the weight of what happened. I had a best friend, a person with which I connected in a way I never did with anyone. She moved out of the city and with that she stopped any communication with me. I miss her. I miss her so much. I feel like I must have fucked up big time for this to be happening. In our last call I told her I was worried we would lose contact with the distance and she told me it would never happen. I believed her. Itās a weird sadness; most of the time I can see clearly that more than try to text her I cannot do much and Iām angry or confused about the situation but it passes, I go by my day. But sometimes this wave of sadness arrives and I remember how she made me laugh, how she looked at me, the day we actually talked like friends for the first time and then it hits me that we might have spoken for the last time. how could that be? I still believe her. One day sheāll call me and my memories of today will fade and get replaced by others of us together.
I should have called her more, told her more times how I loved her, how she was beautiful, we should have gone to more concerts together, we should have said yes to that dude who wanted to interview us for a tiktok. We should have when there still was a we.
One day talking about relationships, I mentioned how incapable I am at letting go and how sometimes I start to resent the person I canāt let go for the things we do to each other. So maybe itās all for the best, maybe Iām being spared, maybe it will save our memories from being tainted, maybe thatās all the time meant for us. I donāt know but I wish I did.
Jan 18, 2025
I wrote this on my substack yesterday and Iām SO proud of it. I love finding the words randomly on a bus somewhere
Mar 11, 2024
Top Recs from @verycoolallison
you may sob when you feel how skinny she isā¦you may start scheming on how to take her homeā¦ā¦.but at the very least you gave her some love and brushed the straw out of her tail. itās good that you missed your bus for this
Apr 6, 2025
they do great, NUANCED reporting on highly specific pop culture news/phenomena, which is RARE!!!! they have some great artist profiles, too :) very much for the girls
Apr 3, 2025
this picture has brought me to tears at least once. i am obsessed with their palpable swag & i love to send this pic to my friend when we are having an awesome friend moment over text, like one of us is wine drunk and texts the other ābro i am so glad we are friendsā and the other sends this pic etc
Apr 7, 2025