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i went to sleep later than i knew i should. i woke up and missed PT. i spend the whole day glued to a screen (because i'm hyperfixated on a game rn lol)
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and despite it all, i decided to give myself grace. i took a shower, went on a walk, and picked my brain back up after a day of brainrot. I'm really proud of myself
Mar 26, 2025
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i think that there’s a level to which this is possible physically (calling out sick or skipping class if you’re a student or whatever) but even if that’s not possible emotionally checking out + going through the motions and making space and time for your recovery afterwards is almost always how you beat a bad day
for me if the vibes are atrocious beyond reason i’ll call out of work, clean my apartment, then go for a walk, go to the jewish deli and get an egg + pastrami hash on a kaiser roll and a coffee, then go home and either watch tv, play video games, and if i’m feeling up to it later do some kind of writing or reading or other enrichment activity (and sometimes enrichment just isn’t on the table at that’s cool too)
whatever your comfort rituals / little treats are, pull out all the stops and really just stop for a second, take a breath, and let yourself just be, and it’s guaranteed to make getting through it easier by making the day less hard, or giving yourself something to look forward to afterwards
Apr 4, 2024
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this morning I was hit with some pretty bad news. I was in quite the unmotivated state afterwards and I dug deep into it by listening to one sad song on repeat until the self-pity fully marinated. when I was ready (hours later) I changed the music to hardcore disco, wrote affirmations on my wall, and got to work! cleared everything off my to-do list, scheduled dinner with the family, and now I am off to do my night time routine because how the day begins is not how it has to end! And should the same problem persist, it’s a bridge I’ll cross when I get there.
May 9, 2024
this might be weird, because it seems everyone on this app is incredibly well adjusted, if not just a little odd. i am coming off (i hope) of an almost three week depressive episode, during which i have not run (longest period in two years), watched excessive amounts of (shitty) netflix, and eaten so poorly that i no longer crave vegetables or fruits (this is the most disappointing and surprising). every single thought that i’ve had during this time has been about how it is entirely impossible for me to get out of bed, and that i will never be myself again. i’ve gained an impressive amount of weight, so much so that i hope to god i’m just being overly critical of myself. my skin has dried out, my floors are dusty, and i have more laundry to do than i feel is humanly possible. these past few weeks, my brain has been a miserable place to be.
but today, i got up. i went to learn how to make couscous at a friend’s house, watched as she manned the burners with cartoonish dexterity. hot water rippled into pots, spices flashed in the air, fresh vegetables perfumed the kitchen. we cooked, ate, and hung out with her family until i had to go home and clean for a friend coming in from out of town. it was lovely and cloudy on the walk home. i always miss the sky when i bedrot, and try to at least make it to my roof for sunset and stick my head out the window for sunrise. when i got home, i sat for a little while holding my cat before working. does anyone else do this to try and regulate their mood? i then washed dishes, fixed my broken washing machine, and scrubbed floors until the friend arrived. it’s nice to have a clean house. everyone knows it, so how is it so bloody hard to keep up?
tonight, i went for a walk. i wanted to run, but didn’t intend or expect to get far. i put on a quick one before the eternal worm devours connecticut on repeat. starting slow, feeling the cold. frosty air fogged my glasses. after half a mile, endorphines began to flood my mind. things seemed possible. i could keep running, and, by extension, i could get myself out of this bedrotting cycle. i just kept running, slowly. a mile. keep going. slowly. i usually turn around at 1.5 to make a rough 5k, but i hit 1.75 and wanted to keep on. it was 2 before i decided to turn around. don’t stop. keep going. feel the cold. feel the sweat in your hands, think about the fog that has settled over the town and it’s ugly white lights. i just kept going, trying to push myself to each next landmark. i ended up doing four miles without stopping, something not unheard of, but certainly an achievement for me.
i understand that this might seem stupid and indulgent. but i just want it to be here. i need to mark it down, write it out, prove that i can get better. i can pull myself out of these doldrums. and anyone can. it’s trite and its true. dishes, laundry, and taxes never end, but we do them because we have to. because it’s pleasant to have clean hair and sunlight on your skin. brushed teeth and charged batteries. these responsibilities also help make us feel good. i know this period of inactivity and neglect is not going to be easy to move past, but i will. because i want to feel good. so, even though it seems stupid sometimes, i am going to go on a run tomorrow. i will wash my face and eat some protein. one day at a time, i will get better. my dms are open for anyone struggling or anyone who just wants to talk ❤️🔥
Oct 25, 2024
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i forced myself to sit at a coffee shop and write a blog post about perfectionism in a sitting, and I DID it. it was nothing special, but i don't really care. my goal this year is to do the things that intimidate me with less fear, and this was a tangible step in the right direction
Feb 15, 2025
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every sunday night we plan to chat on discord and have been doing so for over 5 years now and it completes me
Feb 24, 2025
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I used to take life SO SERIOUSLY and it almost killed me. I want to surround myself with people who are here to have a good time and be silly…despite the horrors….in SPITE of the horrors fr
Feb 27, 2025