Decomposition is the bridge between life and death, the little bit of tape that makes it the *circle* of life, non-linear. I'm OBSESSED lately. When we die, it's the natural process that fungi, bacteria, and other microbes ultimately consume our physical bodies.
I believe that as our brains, our nerves, neurons, etc are consumed, little bits of our pysche are being digested as well. Our conscioussness, little by little, becomes one with the mycelial network (a.k.a the "Wood Wide Web"), the soil. And maybe, through the food chain, as bits of our memories travel through the soil, to the grass, to the deer, to the lion, even to other humans—we are kind of reincarnated, in a way.
Maybe, when I eat fries made from a potato that was grown from soil that carries the soul of a rabbit, I will catch a fraction of one of its memories: The softness of its mother's fur, the smell of the soil in its burrow, the shape of a shadow in the grass on a particular day.
Maybe I'll look at a tree one day, and the shadow it casts on the grass will look strangely familiar, but I won't remember where it came from.
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some evolutionary niche opened up around 300,000 years ago allowing a select group of primates to adapt larger brains in exchange for larger muscle mass and other such traits. it was an astounding success leading to that group of primates to become the most dominant species on the planet. but maybe it came with a price. a price larger than simply larger muscles or better smell. the brains became so advanced and computable that they were able to question their animalistic nature itself. the purpose of all life is that of a divine ring. the days pass in the same cycle as the seasons, such in the same cycle as the years. death and rebirth. that’s truly the meaning of life. to live, then die. in the primal sense of other living things, that’s simply the way of the world, there’s no need to question, as if the rest of the myriad creatures on earth have the capacity to question it. but our brains adapted past that. we developed a certain "post natural" mode of thought. somehow we pushed past the simple cycles of the universe. we have the innate drive of death and rebirth, looking to reproduce and spread. but we became to adept. we lost track of where to end. we fight wars over what we think is the meaning to it all. we harbour money and material wealth to spread influence over others. we created new meanings for ourselves. created goals and endings for when we’d be "complete". we conquered the world looking for one of those answers. those in power incessantly use their power to find their answer. those without try to keep up. we’ve searched and dug up every inch of the planet we were born on in search of our answer, and now, as we’ve desecrated our planet and realized our grand goal for an answer isn’t here, we’ve decided to look beyond our planet. maybe the next one will have our answer. and the next one. and the next one. and the next one. it’s always been the same cycle of desecration, disappointment, and moving on to the next one. the answer isn’t hidden among the stars, or under the ocean, or in the next country over, or in the harboring of trillions of dollars, or in the ultimate manifestation of power. it’s in the orginal cycle of death and rebirth. the experience of life granted to us through the seemingly divine gift of "consciousness". we are notably different from the myriad of earthly creatures, but not in a way that should matter. all that changed were some environmental conditions that allowed our primate ancestors to adapt larger brains. our purpose never shifted. our purpose on earth is to live and experience, then to die, allowing the circle to repeat. it’s no different from any other life form.
Mar 3, 2025
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It's been a time of great emotional upheaval lately, kicking up old dirt, airing out miasmas, the works. I feel like it's a time of good change, working towards something bigger, and coming out the other side feeling more in my skin.
The issue lies with the compulsion to devotion and in a sense religion with it all. I grew up culturally Methodist, but never identified fully with the religion. There was a period where I denied any and all religion out of spite to the institution I was in, there was a period I desperately wanted to believe in guidance or some power watching over me, but it eventually settled to agnosticm. That's where I lay, that's where I've been. Until lately, where Ive felt a pull to explore that side again. It began with a compulsion to draw the natural order, the intertwining of human and animal behaviour. I never knew what I was drawing, or what any of it meant, I just knew it was something bigger than my own words, and it had to be out of me otherwise it would burn a hole through me.
I picked up the music of Ethel Cain, ever the sucker for religious imagery, but her music and approach has made me question things. I feel drawn towards a devotion, not necessarily towards the Christian gods or organized religion as a whole but something bigger, more ancient//primal than that? Maybe there is a god in the world, the sun, the gravitational pull, the trees, the water, the butterflies, EVERYTHING IS A CIRCLE. Ritual, giving myself up in a way brings a form of floating comfort, autonomy? I don't know how to describe it.
It's been on my mind, i've been pretty vocal about it, and also my newfound love//fixation on Ethel Cain. I don't know. part of me wonders if maybe people think this whole schtick I'm on is derivative of this music fixation and in a way a performance evoked by the music. i don't quite know why it matters to me, i guess I'm just worried my friends are getting sick of it. i do not feel like the same person, there is something much bigger than all of us, even if it is not omniscient or heavenly, it is not us.
Mar 25, 2025
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Yeah I relate I think a lot of people can or at least I assume so because I also think it’s impossible to go through life and not see just how massive it is. How much we are forever to wonder about , apart from but humanity is obsessed with taming the world. I do think it’s strange to have the thoughts early, I was also about 9 or 8 when I really focused on death and how limited our time here is. What really got me was the suns death, the mention of all earth being consumed stuck in my head and I just couldn’t imagine there being a reason to live. No matter how acclaimed you are, how big your tomb, how long your name has been spoken you'll be consumed. I haven’t read Kant but I have read and discussed absurdism and that’s personally what gets me through. There is nothing written and the world is indifferent has become a mantra of comfort for me. I still struggle to accept some realities about death but with work I hope to get over it.
May 17, 2024
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Now drink 5 glasses of vodka, and the wall moves on its own!
Mar 2, 2025
I'm unable to view full responses, the text gets cut off (pic attached).
I'm also not able to reply to comments right now. Either I can't type it at all or the submit button doesn't go.
Also, clicking on notifications sometimes brings up an error message and I have to try a few times to open the post.
Thanks P.I team! :)
Apr 7, 2025
I go to this little bookstore downtown and look for architectural photography books that I buy for like 7 bucks so I can recreate them in minecraft
Rn I'm SO into 70's mcm Japanese bungalows and Brutalist design
Feb 23, 2025