Yeah I relate I think a lot of people can or at least I assume so because I also think it’s impossible to go through life and not see just how massive it is. How much we are forever to wonder about , apart from but humanity is obsessed with taming the world. I do think it’s strange to have the thoughts early, I was also about 9 or 8 when I really focused on death and how limited our time here is. What really got me was the suns death, the mention of all earth being consumed stuck in my head and I just couldn’t imagine there being a reason to live. No matter how acclaimed you are, how big your tomb, how long your name has been spoken you'll be consumed. I haven’t read Kant but I have read and discussed absurdism and that’s personally what gets me through. There is nothing written and the world is indifferent has become a mantra of comfort for me. I still struggle to accept some realities about death but with work I hope to get over it.
May 17, 2024
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I think about after the end a lot. I wrote a screenplay about after the apocalypse and the earth is devolving back into primordial stew. I love the idea of destroying the world so thuroughly with science that magic emerges again.
I also think often of the end of what we understand as the universe. I wrote a piece of flash fiction about the moment before the last bit of energy is snuffed out, and a short script about life orbiting around the last light in the universe that I think has legs to be a feature.
I don't know what happens after. But I choose to believe all death births something new.
Jun 14, 2024
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“I am nothing, I am everything, and I’m certainly never in between to two. It’s stupid to think I could be anything other than me, miserable and birthed. Death to everyone who isn’t such things. What is the point of life if not to indulge every dreadfully mediocre sadness to its climax only to realize you have to get off a whole single file line of dreadfully mediocre sadnesses? Respite is only plausible in physicality. There is no escape from a self pitying and exhaustingly guilty mind. Hypocrisy after hypocrisy, I weave myself more securely into my mental web. No one gets in, no one gets out. It’s the way I like it and the way I insurmountably loathe it, balanced by the progression of life itself.”
Jan 29, 2025
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some evolutionary niche opened up around 300,000 years ago allowing a select group of primates to adapt larger brains in exchange for larger muscle mass and other such traits. it was an astounding success leading to that group of primates to become the most dominant species on the planet. but maybe it came with a price. a price larger than simply larger muscles or better smell. the brains became so advanced and computable that they were able to question their animalistic nature itself. the purpose of all life is that of a divine ring. the days pass in the same cycle as the seasons, such in the same cycle as the years. death and rebirth. that’s truly the meaning of life. to live, then die. in the primal sense of other living things, that’s simply the way of the world, there’s no need to question, as if the rest of the myriad creatures on earth have the capacity to question it. but our brains adapted past that. we developed a certain "post natural" mode of thought. somehow we pushed past the simple cycles of the universe. we have the innate drive of death and rebirth, looking to reproduce and spread. but we became to adept. we lost track of where to end. we fight wars over what we think is the meaning to it all. we harbour money and material wealth to spread influence over others. we created new meanings for ourselves. created goals and endings for when we’d be "complete". we conquered the world looking for one of those answers. those in power incessantly use their power to find their answer. those without try to keep up. we’ve searched and dug up every inch of the planet we were born on in search of our answer, and now, as we’ve desecrated our planet and realized our grand goal for an answer isn’t here, we’ve decided to look beyond our planet. maybe the next one will have our answer. and the next one. and the next one. and the next one. it’s always been the same cycle of desecration, disappointment, and moving on to the next one. the answer isn’t hidden among the stars, or under the ocean, or in the next country over, or in the harboring of trillions of dollars, or in the ultimate manifestation of power. it’s in the orginal cycle of death and rebirth. the experience of life granted to us through the seemingly divine gift of "consciousness". we are notably different from the myriad of earthly creatures, but not in a way that should matter. all that changed were some environmental conditions that allowed our primate ancestors to adapt larger brains. our purpose never shifted. our purpose on earth is to live and experience, then to die, allowing the circle to repeat. it’s no different from any other life form.
Mar 3, 2025
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Any art you may practice, walk in some woodland or pasture make some poems, write a song, paint, even competition can be an art. Whatever fills your soul and give in all the way. when im alone during important or significant times I love being selfish with my time and immersing myself in craft, be selfish after all there is isn’t anyone around that could be offended.
May 17, 2024
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I normally put on podcasts/audiobooks/albums that I’ve been putting off. Stuff like So Tonight That I Might See by Mazzy Star was recommended to me a bunch but I just never had time to listen to the whole record without being interrupted so when I drive 4ish hours home and back I put it on plus a bunch of other records. did the same thing with other audio media I’ve ment to grab but hadn’t yet I’m sure you’re already listening to music but going front to back on a album or book is a different vibe
May 15, 2024
Little 70s speakers I got for like $10 off Facebook marketplace, they sound good not amazing but the mojo is HUGE they literally don’t make them like this anymore. nice solid and beautiful wood. best part is so many companies made these there’s hundreds working with different woods and grills. Yes I’m autistic 😃👍
May 16, 2024