"disclaimer I mention drOg use but in one sentence"
I am so restless.
I am infuriated at the person that I have become because of him. That he was and is still able to have an effect on me. That he is still building our life without me.
That he can move on feeling like a good person. Or what I am assuming. Even more power to him I guess.
But, when I really think about it, I never wanted that life. I don’t want to be in a house in the woods with him, miles away from anything or anyone I’ve known. And the status of legality involved is not my favorite when it comes to thoughts of building a future. I am sitting here, in my parents house, my childhood house, in my old room typing this because I am filled with anxiety. I want to let him go. I will.
I have a bad association with almost everything I enjoy because of him. I’ve been told by my sister, who is one of the most badass people I know; that I will miss him the most when I feel like shit. She is right. When I stop focusing on what I am doing, and let my thoughts drift to him, I physically start to shake. I start to doubt myself again.
I haven’t had stability in 4 years. I have been ignoring myself, my family, and the few friends I was able to make in times where I had left him. I want to take accountability; to apologize to every person I’ve talked to in the past year specifically.
I know that this will be a change, that 4 years with one other person the entire time isn’t going go away anytime soon. The mannerisms, the though processes.
I know I need to go to therapy.
He definitely taught me a lot. I know that he has made me a stronger person in odd ways. I learned more about being an “actual” adult in the emotional sense. Learned that there are a lot of things I haven’t ever thought about in good and bad ways.
That there is so much to life to love.
Funny enough that life will pass by without you noticing it.
He put me in dangerous situations, around people who wouldn’t have a second thought about our safety, isolated me from my family. Very, very toxic. I realize in moments that of course he didn’t care, why would I expect him too? Would pass judgments on everything in the world, including women around. I know way too much about his ex girlfriends. I could give example after example of his behavior but I have yelled and screamed about if for the past month to him and I am tired.
I left him for the month of December, and went back because he had sweet talked me, made me feel heard and understood in what I wanted from him. And I found out he had already slept with another girl and wanted no one to have access to him vice versa. Not my smartest move. I blacked out most of January due to recent physical health issues caused by stress, painkillers, marijuana, alcohol, and a miscarriage. We fought most of February, and I was silent most of march until the end.
i started this because I was so anxious and I wasn’t acknowledging why. I forget how much I’ve been through. Definitely not as bad as some people’s situation.
And I just got a call from my little sister which reminded me, that I have so much to be grateful for.
The anxiety comes in waves, I know its because i currently can’t remember most of my past. I don’t know what to do with all the memories. But I think this is a good start.
Day by day I am told. if you read this thank you its my anxiety vomit.
