Coworkers are trying to assemble the chaotic/lawful/evil/neutral/good grid with each of us and itâs proving difficult because behind bar shaking from the caffeine of an 8-shot dial-in everyoneâs a little evil, especially in the no-manâs land between the millennial pause and gen-z stare, and the yet-to-be-labeled of when someone who clearly spends a lot of time online in their own echo chamber assumes youâre one of them and attempts to interpellate you through a barrage of their own semiotics and youâre fraught between the misperception of your carefully selected graphic tee and customer service smile riding the wave of wanting a tip and facing a persona you actively avoid online. I assumed this grid would be somewhat true to our nature, having dropped the visage at work a bit since starting an ssri and becoming platonically intimate with another coworker through shared music taste (immediately opening a window to the soul), but my young coworker wanted to only base it on how we are at work. I said I donât hold what I do behind bar against myself, he said the mistakes I make are inherently part of my personality, and Iâm no better than the version of me at work because that necessarily is me, and a flattening reverberated through my entire body, like the shock of a gun shot before the pain sets in. I have big aspirations and canât dwell on mistakes if I want to continue to believe in myself, which I have to do if I ever want to make anything! And Iâm definitely not dwelling too much on what I do while over-caffeinated, undernourished, and bombarded with 8 kinds of sounds in the liminal 4-dimensional space of a coffee shop on a Saturday or during a random July hailstorm. Itâs an absurd, cruel, jam-packed world. Itâs ridiculous to strive and pretend you donât think you can make it. It isnât embarrassing to take your art seriously, even when the best of it is still stuck in your head for the time being. To quote Alex G âif you donât believe in magic then you shouldnât even tryâ. Obviously consider your mistakes and learn from them, but donât hold them against yourself. These all may seem unrelated but the miscommunication between my coworker and I (him not realizing I associate myself at work as my basest, most animal self) left me utterly speechless, mouth agape, clutching the counter for stability for whatever reason. Low key it feels sooooo good to believe in yourself.
