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its one thing to feel as if you're losing your mind. its another to experience it, and win. sometimes it feels like i didnt lose enough of it. but im alive. so I won! Today and tomorrow are mine to make, i guess. even if it feels like its all falling apart ( not like decaying buildings more like decaying teeth)
Jan 28, 2025
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I've come to accept the fact that we are all living in our own sisyphus world. The concept of time which I cant seem to grasp surrounds me with it's intoxicating pink haze, I wake up and I'm 25 BARELY SURVIVING. But I have experienced depression and trauma and I am sooo tired of revisiting that blackhole. I HAVE TO SHOW UP FOR MYSELF. Executive dysfunction fucks me over while partnering with narcolepsy. But I refuse to succumb to the bittersweet melancholy. I'm holding myself accountable. No excuses. Parents aren't in my life and I'm dirt poor. But I believe in myself. That hope and effort gives me life. I fucking love life and I'm done hiding from it (also done with being a crybaby).
Jan 22, 2025
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working from what may seem like very surface level cliches but stay w me here
((tldr: why not just believe that its all working out for the better, even if thats not what you planned? also, empathy and objectivity are a solid duo that id like to see in combination more frequently.))
putting this at the top because this is a dissertation, at best; psychosis, at the other end of the pendulum.
sooooooo the fact that u have no control over life liek At All. has been a consistently terrifying concept for FOREVER as a shorty who is Clinically a control freak, but realizing that the unpredictable essence that makes all of this shit unnerving is the very thing that can take the weight of life off of your shoulders has been pretty revolutionary.
im still digesting/integrating it one bite at a time, for sure, so call me a hypocrite ESPECIALLY if you know me personally. when in clarity, though, its been so pleasant to realize that since Nothing truly matters that much since nothing is set in stone anyway- w regard to action, approach, fulfilling temporary expectations of yourself, whether or not you reach short term goals, etc.- living life completely and utterly for yourself and whatever that means to you at any given moment will likely ultimately be the plan that brings you most fulfillment, when all is said and done.
whether that means taking the risk and changing your major, taking that freaky elective bc it sounds cool, moving in w some randos in a townhouse, quitting your job and starting something new- maybe it winds up being an epic fail, who knows? as long as youre setting goals that align with an ultimate sense of who you are and what youre looking to get out of life, which i presume can be solidified further by pursuing said experiences just for the sake of it? right? helps u figure out what u actually want? and as long as you keep bareback essential priorities straight (financial and emotional stability come to mind), then theres no reason for impermanence to work against you.
this also counts for people, as well. i feel like we hold others to critical standards, as we should, but contemporarily tend to neglect the fact that people DO change. morals/how you view the world are impacted by experience, and we are all fruits of very very different trees. completely dependent on circumstance, of course, empathy/understanding/consequential second chances are side-swept under the premise of respect/accountability. accountability is CRUCIAL, but i feel like so many of us (myself included) take that to heart and forget that figuring out how someone got to some place is a key aspect of understanding whether or not their position was truly from a place of lack of respect? if that makes any sense??
i also have been thinking about this a lot: my best friend throughout middle school and i fell out the summer before sophomore year over…nothing? idk, 3 years of seeing each other every single day (neighbors) to no contact until senior of high school- still weren’t talking regularly or anything though.
2 years ago, she turned 20. i posted an old photo of us because, despite everything, 20’s a big one.
this year, we’ve spent late nights on facetime, drove to watch the sunrise after hours of catching up on god knows what on the hill where we would listen to music while her mom cooked dinner, and she’s been my go to for any necessary bitching/ranting during whats been the worst year my mental health has ever seen??
time is your friend, if you let it be. connections arent a race in any dynamic, and it’s never over if it’s truly meant to happen.
let life change. i think.
Dec 5, 2024
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Got some news yesterday about someone I love
Suddenly a lot of things mattered less
Some wishy washy desires became goals
For a little while I had X-ray vision
The world sped up and slowed down at the same time
— I didn’t like the news but I’m glad I know it, because it was already a thing, so better to know
All at once without warning I’m living on a different planet: it is barren, hostile, rocky, and dry
But I know there are treasures here. I’m going to find them.
Dec 22, 2024
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… honestly just not it. I didn’t buy them but I knew something was up when my brother pawned a large jar of them onto me suddenly.. asking “do you like pickles?” of course I do what kind of question is that.. I now understand there are pickles that I dont like.
Jun 6, 2024
May 29, 2024
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i found two of them randomly listening to genres of music and artists i normally wouldnt be listening to right now :)
May 2, 2024