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sometimes I feel like I live more in my dreams than in the physical- fabricating reality helps make the liminal space so flagrantly present in my twenties less unsettling
#growingpains
Jan 17, 2025
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Before I sleep I tend to imagine a future in which I meet the love of my life who just makes all the time I spent āwaitingā worth it. I fall asleep thinking on things that arenāt so out of reach still THEY ARE NOT HERE. Other times during the day I think about what has happened, all the things that have brought me to where I am. I just realized Iām never here! In the now, in the whatever is going on where Iām standing. I live in places that donāt exist with people that are not real! Yes in theory I might know them but in my head both in the memories and in my made up senarios they are not them. They are what I want them to beā¦ they are an extension of me and what I think they should be. I think the now requires me to lose the control I have in my made up worlds, and that might be too scary for me now.
Feb 7, 2025
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my dreams are always mega vivid. in terms of creating though itās a bit frustrating because i donāt always feel great when the product doesnāt match the obsessively detailed vision. my brain does make the cool creative decision of having a little vignette filter situation going on when i daydream.
i have a constantly bumbling, genderless internal monologue going at all times. it doesnāt exist to dictate my actions as a singular narrator. it may not even relate to whatās happening to me at the moment. just know itās Always Going.
Feb 15, 2025
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I have two reoccurring dreams, both where I'm trapped in unless "rooms".
In one of them I'm trapped in a white void filled with invisible objects that no matter how much I try, I cannot crush. I have woken up sick to my stomach a multitude of times from this. I remember oe specific instance was whenever I was having fever dreams in the back of my mom's car and was going in and out of consciousness, repeatedly having this dream over and over. It got to the point where I would repeatedly wake up screaming and sweating and ended up hurling in my mom's backseat.
My second dream is a room that consists of a neverending wall of moving gears. I cannot move and can only listen and watch the gears operate. I've woken up in a cold sweat every time I've had this dream.
I have no clue what that says about my psyche, but I'm choosing the path of "ignorance is bliss".
Feb 7, 2025
