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Life is really weird lately. I think I'm starting hrt soon, which is great. I miss doing graffiti more and more as winter gets colder, I would keep on but I can't risk getting arrested. My vape is dying. My birthday is soon and I'm vaguely excited, but it isn't the same as when I was little.
I love my life.
Jan 7, 2025
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I completely and utterly ruined my sleep schedule rather than fixing it this summer, which unfortunately goes against my goals. However I'm learning that not everything is a dire situation, life and death, and in that I can breathe.
To just be. That I can just exist; I don't have to be a prodigy at a certain something rather learn to sit and take a step back to assess. I had a stressful junior year especially in April, I've dug myself in a pit I've recently gotten out of.
I constantly have to remind myself that I will always have room for growth and an unmet goal doesn't equate to failure. The lenience I give myself after such a long time is thanks to my boyfriend, and I'm happy with everything he's taught me. Its been philosophy, love that is patient and gentle, Marty Robbins, being open about my passion or disdain, support. Some are things I've either hated or disliked yet I find myself smiling and paying attention because I love him dearly, and with that I show support and interests he adores.
I'm seeing him again tomorrow, and I'm super excited. We're going to buy things for an upcoming trip later this month, and its going to be our first time traveling out of the city together and having a roadtrip. He's going to make me partake in playing at a water pit, but I'll oblige because if there's anything I've learned it's that life is too short to not do anything.
He also told me that he's going to get me a sketchbook specifically for outings and dates, which is an idea he brought up at our last outing a couple of days ago. I've never been super proud of my artwork, but with him I want you try, at least see why he loves what I create. He's always super happy when I draw or sketch something for him, so that's something I'll do more often when I can.
That's another thing, I don't feel guilty anymore when he insists on buying and gifting things, taking me places; he spoils and indulges my whims and wants. It's sweet, truly, and I always find myself wondering how I got so lucky.
Jul 2, 2025
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I am right in the middle of a very big transitional period in my life. I've got 22 days left of my corporate job. In 30 days I will be arriving in Lisbon for a one month stay where I will finish my book, work on a collaborative project, go to the beach, meet new people, find new opportunities and heal (literally, I am 99% sure I am about to medically diagnosed with stress). This starts a journey of Becoming A Full Time Artist that is terrifying and precarious. I am about to move back home but I'm not seeing it as a step backwards even though I will miss sin house very much.
I've been dating for the first time in years after two back-to-back ill-advised long distance situationships lol. I feel more connected to who I am and what I want now. I like connecting with new people and learning about them. I like that people want to go on dates with me.
I've been making an extra effort to see my friends. I've missed them so much. Being with them makes me realise what life is all about.
I've been writing songs and recording old ones. I'm playing my first headline show in a really long time tomorrow. I've been reframing how I think of my music career to find validation in small successes and in developing my craft - rather than acquainting the number of plays I get to my worth. This is not easy and yet I persist.
I've been feeling better post-heartbreak. I've also been finding out I have to go for an MRI and a tilt table test to confirm once and for all my heart is okay. My heart has taken a battering in every possible way but it finally feels like I can see some light. I was told to avoid all strenuous activity and heavy lifting eight months ago but the other week I finally got the go ahead from the hospital that it's safe for me to do it again. I have been able to move again and I've started playing badminton and I really love it. I even did a little run on the treadmill last week whilst screaming along to Brat!! It felt euphoric and I can feel my body getting stronger.
Life is good/messy/chaotic/scary/exciting/still somehow peaceful
Aug 14, 2024
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hello!!!! i want to start making this blog weekly now.
- as some followers may know, i've committed to college at last. it's weird with things coming to an end, but with "ending" being a common theme in this blog/life, i'm actually kind of soft on it.
heres what i've been listening to:
Forever Howlong : Black Country, New Road
Squid (discography)
Total euphoria : caroline
as seen, my music taste has gotten more upbeat as of recent.
Total euphoria by caroline has been cemented as a staple in my go-to songs now, it's like your soul being ripped from your chest from the air and then breathing in. and then out. it's a wonderful experience with its own little production quirks. the prime suspect is its out-of-time instruments, where the guitars are actually playing different tempos. and then on top of all that the drums sort of wash in and out when they want to. then a bass drop? this isn't my folk band!
I highly recommend caroline, especially their debut self-titled album. some favorites off of those include IWR and Engine (eavesdropping). very spiritual and easing music.
aside from that, how have i been? i've been #exploring my wonders and interests. creating a rigid identity is something i've found to be important. who am i between switching personalities for certain people? one of the identifiers has been how i am awkward. many can attest to it, but i don't think it's something i'd just drop immediately for confidence. people find it amusing, i think it's a good source of kindness for myself; there's a way to materialize it into something that doesn't give other people second-hand embarrassment. i might talk too fast or too slow, take a while to respond, make too much or little eye contact,, it's random!!! but that's for the best!! we don't have to be rigid in specificity. it just matters that we see things in ourselves that generally describe who we are.
i've taken many trips, much too many trips to a specific town recently. the record store just calls my name and i always find myself being in the way between record crates while i kneel down looking at jazz cds. i'm getting a lot of cds! i always make sure to treat myself by getting at least one LP. some recent purchases have been:
Promises : Floating Points, Pharaoh Sanders, London Symphony Orchestra
Pink Moon : Nick Drake
Hellfire : black midi
all around wonderful finds. i know its good to buy things outside of my comfort zone... but let me get everything else first! i do my musical experimentation with cds.
some recent CD purchases include....
Sketches of Spain : Miles Davis
Discipline : King Crimson
Speak No Evil : Wayne Shorter
Giant Steps : John Coltrane
it's good to consume, well when you have the money. other times, maybe just imagine you're consuming? paint a picture. you'll usually have a matcha latte (btw new obsession) outside a bakery, on a bench in the rain. do you need the drink to savor the moment? if you're out of money, maybe try sitting in silence like that! a brain-lock into our outside moment might be important.
I think back to a quote from my notes in my notes from sept-oct 2024. i was in a rough patch then, still am, but more then. i hated myself, despised a lot of my own self-being, but one quote made its way out of my fingers:
idk maybe some on-spirit growth can happen
before any professional help, and honest support from those i had, i typed that for myself. i think it is in our innate desire to do better that we achieve our ideal selves. because i'm fulfilling that unsure "maybe", by truuuly taking time for myself.
it's wonderful, and i don't exactly have to love myself. but tolerating who i am and having respect for myself has done wonders . i mapped out who i want to be, and formed a list of things to do before college starts. and it's working so far! so take charge. it takes a long time; i'm only seeing the real vision about 6 months later after saying that, but you will make it, even without that direction.
good night! i hope to continue this weekly and hope you got something out of this post :)
Apr 29, 2025
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Never met anyone that doesn't like it, just a really good sample with solid everything else.
Jan 6, 2025
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Recently, I've been smoking less. On one hand, it's a great thing, but yk. Basically always having withdrawals. Climbing is the most fun and some of the best thrills I've had in years. Something I can really see myself doing long term.
Love you all.
Jan 6, 2025
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Nothing really happened today.
Im still thinking about just about everything I've done in the last while. I miss the life I used to have but hate the person I used to be. Unfortunately, I haven't changed much.
One step at a time.
Jan 8, 2025