i am fully aware that i am thinking about her, and possibly, probably not the other way around. that's because she is not mine, the crush is mine!!! an important distinction: a crush is not the relationship, it is separate, however informed it may be by the actual relationship. a crush does not necessarily capture or define the woman of its desire. a crush does not concern itself with accuracy, however detailed it might be. my crush is an overgrown weed of curiosity and attention. it is my fantasy, my story to tell myself.
which is to say, it's my creation. i am behind it. though the attention and ideation is about her, i am responsible. it's important to take such responsibility, to understand i am the one generating feelings of possibility, romance, hope, butterflies, foolishness, self-consciousness, and to not only accept this responsibility, but claim ownership and to be in on it.
of course, this is my ham-fisted attempt at a semblance of control that derives from the agony and ecstasy of having no control.